The Grey Tower

Time seemed to move differently within the Tower. Her classes, and trying to prove her worth as Aes Sedai took most of her focus, and aside from the days schedule, she tried not to think too far ahead, or to far behind. Darkness still lurked there, things she hadn’t had the courage to deal with. Taylin was losing sight of herself, among all of the Tower requirements and petty dealings between rivals. The day was a fine one, and if she wasn’t able to get away and process alone, soon; things were going to get bad. She found her hawk in the aerie, and a horse from the training yards, intent to spend a bit of time out, allowing the animal to stretch its wings.

The path through the Towers grounds to the countryside was filled with different types of people, but the Guard was ever vigilant. She rode with a bit of difficulty in her Accepted’s dress, but side saddle was only nearly the worst thing in the world. Time of her own finally, no one around, no scheming or plotting or studying. The trees shade soon covered the path as she ventured farther. The hawk rode on a harness connected to the saddle, his eye hooded. She was in no great hurry, but the clouds seemed to hold a promise for future rain. Perhaps it would hold out long enough.

They passed into the countryside, houses sparse and large here. In a meadow she dismounted, letting the horse graze. She could see no one for any great distance, and unhooded the bird, giving to signal for it to fly. The great predator launched into the air, and Taylin was left alone in the tall grass. She embraced saidar, using air to flatten an area of ground to sit in. From here she could see the city laid out, but to the east of her. She propped her knees beneath her chin, wrapping her arms around them. From one sleeve she removed an item she had hidden in the ground long ago, upon coming to the Tower. It was the dagger her mother gave her, to mark her a woman of their blood. The gold was crusted with dirt now, but a quick weave cleaned it. It was everything representing the girl who had lived, the girl who had been her, a girl who no longer existed; a child who had died, and been reborn a different woman.

She fingered the dagger, running gentle hands over familiar scroll work gold. The image of her mother, working the bar and she would smile at Taylin, her face round and merry, her hair golden like Taylin’s; while she cleaned up for the night. That sacred quiet time they bonded over, cleaning the inn, and just basking in each others life force. How fiercely she missed that woman, her smell, her way of always knowing exactly how to handle any situation. That was what she wanted to be, a woman worthy of her mother. But the great women and men she had met at the Tower, there was honor here, and purpose. One worth giving her life to. The problem was the anger.

Always she battled a constant boiling rage within her, like something so powerful that should it ever fully be unleashed, there would be no undoing it. It was a kind of rage in her that made her fear loss of control. People called her icey, or cold; but that was for their protection. She was a bomb.

Her Arches had brought back memories. Of her Father being a Darkfriend, of her mother killing him in their barn. How could he? She loved him so much, he had been the strongest man in the world to her. But now, now she could only feel disgust, and betrayal, and rage. She didn’t want to stop the pain. The tears fell freely. These people, always calm and serene and in control. She was sick of it, sick of control. She needed to let them feel her pain, her rage. She needed someone to feel how she felt.

She still glowed with the Power, and as the rain fell, she embraced it. The tears mixed with the water from the sky until her white dress was see through. She cried until her insides hurt, until she felt physically ill. And then she knew white hot rage. Her mother had saved them, but their father damned them. He was an agent of the Dark One, a man without honor or a soul. And she had trusted him…loved him. She lashed out, lightning struck from a darkening sky. The ground erupted in warm wet soil, rich and aromatic. Burning smells followed on the winds. Taylin felt the rage inside of her building, and from the sky lightning rained again. Trees, rocks, and anything standing high enough near her seemed to become a target. The storm above began to swirl with clouds of black. The only man in her life, ever, and this was her example to go by? How would she ever know trust now? She channeled Fire, pure and true into the dagger, leaving a heap of gold and silver in its wake.

The winds howled around her, blond hair half hiding her face. She unleashed the anger, the rage, the hurt. She was lost to the storm. The clouds began to funnel above her, when things suddenly died down. Another woman was channeling. Gabrial found her on the hillside, soaked to the bone and in a mess of tears.

“He was a Darkfriend, all along. What I saw in that second arch, will they kill my mother and sister, because of his affiliations?” She fell into the older Aes Sedai’s embrace. The Power drained from her, she was broken inside, but not in any way Healing could fix. Her father had betrayed her, she’d nearly been raped in what she prayed to be a false world, and she’d betrayed a woman she knew to be her best friend, all to return through an Archway. She prayed Rhia was a future she could change. But after everything, she was truly beyond ever being the carefree child of an Innkeeper again.

Gabrial helped Taylin gather her horse, and said the bird had probably flown back to the Tower because of the weather. Once they made their way back, and Taylin had on dried clothes, she sat with Gabrial Sedai in front of the fire place in her study. Gabrial was quiet, thankfully, but open. Taylin knew she was waiting on an explanation, and yet, the older woman seemed to understand somehow. Taylin was embarrassed to have spoken of her arches to another, but she had to tell someone.

“They think I am cold, Gabrial Sedai. I hear what the other girls say. They think I am distant, or have some sort of superiority complex. But that’s not it. I have all of this anger inside, and it eats at me.” She placed her hands in front of her chest, as if something were eating at her from inside. “I want my father to pay, I want the Shadow to pay for what they did to him. I want to be able to do something. I don’t ever want to be helpless like that again.” The memory of the two men holding her down in the arches danced across her face.

“Let them think as they wish child, if they expect you to be a certain way, you will always have the element of surprise. As for the other…” The elder Aes Sedai grew quiet. “The Arches are never pleasant, but hear me in this girl. This world will show you the ugliest things it has to offer. We are who the people look to for leadership in these situations. You must find your way to deal with it, even if that way makes others see you as hard to get close to. But you do what an Aes Sedai does, you control the situation and make things right, personal feelings aside. Your emotions cannot rule you, you saw what sort of damage than can lead to. You could have burnt yourself out and taken us all with you. Do not lose yourself to the storm Taylin, be it the weather, or events.”

Gabrial sipped her tea, but Taylin took to heart the old woman’s words. Her rage would get her nowhere, she needed a way to direct it, to make it constructive, and she was forming just the plan. Perhaps by hunting Darlfriends she could find who had been in the barn with her father the night he died, bring true justice. They sat for a time, enjoying the quiet, sharing unspoken memories, before Taylin was dismissed for the night. She found herself in her rooms feeling as if she’d had an enormous weight lifted from her, and for the first time in weeks, she had a sound sleep.