The Grey Tower

Moving stiffly and ponderously, Ravak descended the staircases of the Grey Tower, feeling at a complete loss after the conversation with Kaia. There had been any multitude of outcomes from that meeting, and what had transpires was as close to the worse he had imagined. The sun-darkened Shienaran moved in a daze, his legs moving him mechanical without any thought behind it. His mind was blank, and felt so empty. For months, Kaia's presence had barely been more than a pinprick, but now he longed for that more than anything else.

The cadin'sor clad Gaidin merited a bit more attention than before as he ambled through the Indigo Ajah's halls towards the Novices' Quarters, but he was ignorant to the murmured conversations that sprung up around him. His eyes stared at the centre of the structure, where the offices of the Mistress of Novices and Master of Soldiers lay. It was to Mirin's door that he meandered towards, soft boots scuffing against the ground loudly.

Reaching her door, he paused, listening for voices on the other side. When he heard nothing, he knocked twice, and waited on Mirin's call to enter.

"Come in," she said. With a flourish of her pen, she signed her paperwork and looked up to see who had come to see her. The man who stepped in was vaguely familiar. Red hair, pale eyes. With the tanned skin and cadin'sor, he looked almost Aiel, though the coloring was not quite right. Tall, although nearly all men at the Grey Tower were tall compared to Mirin. He moved with the subtle grace of a warrior.

Mirin opened herself to saidar, not really knowing why she did so. Every detail of the room jumped into focus - the grains of wood flowing down the dark panels lining the walls, the flecks of white on the man’s cadin’sor, the wrinkle of his nose, the wryness of his smile. She blinked, so surprised that she nearly lost her hold on saidar.

“Ravak?”

The Master of Training nodded just once, and an answering smile spread across her own face. She stood and rounded her desk.

"Light, it is really you! It has been months! I am happy to see your safe return. How were your travels? Where is Sinead? ...well, Ravak? Ravak?"

Her expression abruptly shifted as she realized what must have happened. A long, terrible silence filled the room until it was broken by a slight shuffle as a chair shifted to hit the back of Ravak's knees, forcing him to sit. With another thread of Air, Mirin pulled a second chair behind her. She carefully arranged her dark silks over her legs.

"Please explain," she said. Her eyes did not leave his face, not even for a second, as though she feared that she would miss some crucial hint as to the whereabouts of her missing Accepted. Without the Oaths, her face appeared surprisingly young, but was still as smooth and calm as any Aes Sedai's.

Rav sat uncomfortably, facing the young woman that was the Mistress of Novices. It was a shock to see youth once more on Mirin's face, more than the mild shock of seeing Kaia's visage. There had been a brief, foolish moment where he thought this encounter may go smoothly, but having a chair abruptly hitting your knees. No, he didn't deserve a smooth ride. Today wasn't going to be one of those days, it was going to be the day. If Mirin didn't rip the fancloak off his back, Riahana likely would.

Rav shifted under the Mistress of Novices' gaze, and he dragged his thoughts back to the matter at hand. "Sinead remained in the Three-fold Land." That was the hardest part to get out, but also the simplest. There would be no tears this time, and he certainly wasn't seeking any sympathy from Mirin, although he would have appreciated. He continued in as level and calm as voice as he could manage. "I made a pledge that I would return with her, and I have failed to honour that pledge. I owe you toh, so yes, an explanation."

"The Wise Ones guided Sinead in her training as a Dreamwalker. I can't tell you anything of the specifics, beyond that the training was hard, constant, and for obvious reasons even sleep was not a respite. The Wise Ones called those training under them apprentices, and they had a few, including Sinead. She seemed to progress at the same speed as the rest of them, from what little I could tell. Anyways, that training last until two months ago roughly. "

"We went from Sinead's hold to Rhuidean, a place of ceremony for the Aiel. I know nothing more than that, but I assume it was part of the training." He frowned, a dark crease on his face. "Maybe not. I haven't puzzled the details out, precisely. But then they sent her off to this ceremony, sky-clad and... It seemed dangerous, even for an Aielwoman."

Blue-grey eyes briefly glanced away, but honour demanded that he held Mirin's gaze. "The Wise Ones gave me little reason to trust them, and I wasn't convinced of their intentions. Furthermore, the weight of their words were more strident than they had been previously. As this was all in the waking world, I didn't see the connection with Dreamwalking, so... I followed her. For her protection."

Rav's right hand was balled up into a fist on his lap, but he seemed not to notice. "I tracked her as best as I could, but I got turned around in this Rhuidean. I searched for a time, but I could not find her. So I returned to the Wise Ones, ready to demand answers, but Sinead was already with them. With Tiena and the other Wise Ones. I had broken some tradition by going after Sinead, and so they expelled me from the Waste. When I told Sinead to follow, she... refused."

The Shienaran was staring into the middle distance, his vision no longer on Mirin. That last meeting with the Wise Ones, he still couldn't understand. What had changed so much in that place that made Sinead stay? There was no love lost between Sinead and Tiena, and yet she wanted to stay on as her apprentice. Tiena was a monster, by all accounts. It simply made no sense.

Blinking, Rav returned his focus to Mirin. He straightened, but not in an attempt to make himself larger compared to the Cairhienin. With a meekness he hadn't known since childhood, he folded his hands on his lap, and waited for Mirin's punishment.

As Ravak told his tale, the stillness that had settled over Mirin blossomed into anger. She felt mildly irritated when he spoke of toh as though he were Aiel. Her temper flared again when he followed the Accepted into what she suspected was a sacred ceremony. And when she learned that Sinead refused to return to the Tower, she nearly blew her top.

And even so, she might have been able to control her rage except that Ravak folded his hands in his lap and bowed his head like an errant novice. That display of false modesty was the last straw. If he was going to act like one of her young charges, then she bloody well was going to treat him like one. She leapt out of her chair with a cry.

"You say that you owe me toh, yet don't respect Aiel tradition enough to listen when they warn you not to meddle! You wear the fancloak, yet can't understand when a woman must face danger alone without the 'protection' of your bloody sword! And when the woman you love decides not to follow you home, then you come to my office asking for... what, Ravak? What, precisely, do you want from me?"

His problem, she suddenly realized, was that he still chased the fantasies of youth. He had chosen to leave his duties as the Master of Training and follow a beautiful woman into the Aiel Waste. He mimicked the honor-bound culture of the Aiel, perhaps find them to be romantic, not realizing that his imitation made a mockery of them. He had gone seeking adventure and sentiment for the sake of love and pride - and come home, not realizing that these things already existed within him.

Once, not so long ago, she had held similar dreams. Dreams that never came to fruition. She felt very little sympathy for the man.

"I hope you've learned from this," she said, coldly. "It is not Sinead that angers me. The woman can make her own choices. It is that you have behaved in a manner quite reprehensible for a man of your character. I thought you had a better head on your shoulders, Ravak."

His face held an odd expression. She narrowed her eyes. "What, did you think I didn't know of the little dalliance between you and Sinead? Light, my head isn't buried in sand, you know."

It was hard to hear Mirin's words. Not for the vehemence behind it, not that he could fault her on that. It was that everything she said was true. Oaths or no Oaths, Ravak recognised each flaw she highlighted and couldn't disagree. Well, almost. He rolled up his right sleeve, revealing a sinuous golden-maned form scaled in scarlet and gold. Despite the appearance of polished metal, it felt no different from the rest of his arm. Staring at it, like he had for almost every night since he had obtained it in Rhuidean, he questioned once again his actions in his last days with Sinead, and what the odd tattoo meant.

"Have a heart, Mirin." He didn't know where that surge of resistance had come from, but he held onto it. "I don't expect your approval, but you know what I risked for that 'dalliance'. Don't goad me about what I've lost."

Ravak's throat constricted after saying that, thoughts of Kaia whirling through his head, and it took him a moment before he could force himself to carry on with the tale. He pulled up the sleeve, covering the golden creature emblazoned on his arm. "I did everything I could to integrate with the Aiel. I didn't spend those months sitting on my hands. But when it came to that ceremony, I made a rational choice. They were digging their claws into her one day at a time, and for the first time since we entered the Three-fold Land, she was alone. It was an opportunity to get away, return to the Tower before the inevitable happened. That it did happen due to my 'meddling' is neither here nor there. That conclusion seemed predetermined if I didn't act."

Rav ran a hand through his wild mane of hair, a tired sigh escaping his lips. He sunk back into the seat, feeling depleted. "I owe you more than I have to give, Mirin. I cannot return Sinead to you any more than I can channel saidar and become one of your Novices. But if you have need of me, I am yours to direct. If you rather I went straight to Riahana and informed her of my actions, including my dalliance with Sinead, I shall do so. Otherwise, I expect nothing. I'm not worth the effort." That last part was self-pity, pure and simple, despite the promise to himself not to look for sympathy. He prodded at the space in his mind that Kaia had occupied, and once again felt heartbroken when there was no tugging sensation in response.

As quickly as it had come, her anger faded and she was left slightly amused. "Have a heart?" Ha! Surely he knew better than to come to her for pretty words. Then Ravak pulled up his sleeve and her mind went completely blank.

What was that?

Instinct told her to back away from the strangeness of it all, but curiosity forced her to approach. She stepped swiftly towards him and touched his arm. His skin was warm and smooth. It was a gold metallic tattoo. He quickly covered it again before she got a closer look.

As he continued speaking, Mirin realized that her angry outburst had been premature. Ravak had never been an exceedingly cheerful man, but his sunken posture, listless manner, and obvious self-pity hinted at some of his internal turmoil. She did not feel regret for her words - the blasted man deserved it! - but her years of training as a counselor kicked in and she returned to her chair.

She tilted her head to the side and looked at him curiously.

“It seems to me that you have something on your mind. Would you like to talk about it?”

His last words hung heavy in the air. It felt like a death knell, the silence deafening in how completely it enveloped the room. Although he wasn't looking directly at her, Ravak saw that Mirin simply stood still, possibly considering what to do next, probably agreeing with how worthless he was.

When she did move, eventually, it was to take her place back behind her desk, once more the Mistress of Novices reprimanding an errant student. Although Rav had gone far beyond a simple prank gone wrong. No doubt her command would be to go to Riahana, explain to the Mistress of Arms everything that had occurred in painful details, and await further punishment from her. So convinced was he of a response along those lines, he didn't process what it was that Mirin actually said at first.

Grey-blue eyes looked up, blinking in an attempt to clear his mind. The absence of Kaia's presence was as pointed as the silence a moment ago had been. He tried shuffling off the malaise that had settled over him, rolling his shoulders as if squaring up for a fight. His lips parted, and he had to work his mouth before saying what truly was on his mind. No more lies.

"I am no longer a Warder." His brows knitted together, making his face look hard. It was only through concentration that he was able to talk without his voice breaking. "The Keeper of the Chronicles released me from her service." Steel grey eyes narrowed. "'Actions have consequences', apparently." There was no 'apparently' about it, but saying it lessened the blow. "So whatever it is you want me to do, just say it Mirin. I think you may have had the right of it, when you said you never wanted to Bond. I can't imagine anything worse."

Mirin nearly stopped breathing. Was this to be a day filled with surprises? No wonder Ravak was in such a mood. Kaia must have been quite angry - actually, angry probably couldn't even begin to the extent of her fury - to have released Ravak from the bond.

"I am sorry," she said.

His grey-blue stare seemed to bore right through her. Those eyes - when had they become so cold? She traced the lines of his face. When had his features become so hard? If she didn't know better, she would have nearly taken him for Aiel.

No, she reminded herself, he is not Aiel and will never be Aiel, no matter the markings on his arm or the oddness of his manner. Mirin could not let go of the memories of the young man whom she had watched earn his way up the ranks of the Tower. How long had it been since they met in the Library all those years ago? With a shock, she realized that it had only been five, maybe six years. He was so very young. As am I, she thought. Although it certainly didn't feel that way.

Gentleness did not come easily to her. Neither did compassion. But years working in the infirmary had helped Mirin develop some semblance of warmth. She spoke softly and with as much kindness as she could muster. The man sitting in front of her was far more fragile than he appeared.

"If you want me to tell you what to do, then I am sorry," she said. "You are your own man, Ravak. I will not tell you what to do, and you owe me nothing. My recommendation, however, is to take some time off. I think you need time to heal. Ferran Gaidin has already covered for you for a year. Although he may grumble and complain, he can afford to serve the Tower for a few more months.

"I never wanted to bond. But I am not you. You are a Gaidin, sworn to serve the Tower. And we both know that the bond of a sister - or a brother - provides you with many advantages that help you do your duty. I don't think you truly mean that you never wish you were bonded, Ravak. Otherwise, you wouldn't have come to me. Ravak, listen. I'm not saying that you need to forget your troubles. No, not at all. But I think that you need some time to yourself. You need to refocus and learn who you are and what you want. Without Kaia. Without Sinead.

"And you can't do that if you're running around after your trainees like a headless chicken."

The corners of her eyes crinkled in amusement.

"Does that sound acceptable?"

There were a few things in what Mirin had said that should have brought some warmth to the Shienaran's face, but none of it made any difference to the pained look Rav wore. Kaia's absence was drawing away any positive thoughts or feelings, not that there were many after the litany of failures he had reaped. Rav had somehow forgotten about Ferran, lost in the list of everyone else he felt duty-bound to see upon his return. There'll be hell to pay for that. Ferran was a hard man.

Running his good hand through his hair, Rav sat up straight, levelling his gaze at the Mistress of Novices. He recognised that she was trying to help, although why was a different question. I've earned your ire Mirin, not your sympathies. Studying her face, he tried to deduce her true intentions here. There was little chance she meant any of that, was there? But her eyes told a story the rest of her face hid. The truth was always hidden in an Aes Sedai's eyes.

"Maybe," was the unsatisfactory reply. Rav could see it was such by the way her eyes tightened, although whether in disappointment or disapproval, he couldn't say. The Cairhienin had always been mercurial, which had always mildly confused him. His own temperament moved quite logically, as did Elia's or Kaia's or- He winced. Let's just say myself and Elia, then. He could read his sister well, and most people seemed straightforward enough. But not Mirin.

Scratching at his beard, he considered her advice. Taking more time away from being the Master of Training was not his call to make. That would be Riahana's, although if Ferran was still in the role, she hadn't found a new permanent Master of Training. Ferran would never go for that. Maybe I'll be sent off to the Citadel, like Dax was. That wouldn't have surprised him. The Citadel wasn't a punishment, but being banished there was. At least he'd be home, in Shienar. When had he lost the right to think of the Grey Tower as home? Probably the same time he scampered off to the Three-fold Land.

"We'll see," he said softly. That was hardly much better. "Whether I get to return to training, whether I get to be Master of Training... That's not for me to decide." All that Ravak wanted to do, not that he would, was to go to his room and curl up on his bed. He was holding together well, but he just wanted to weep into a pillow. That brought a new stabbing pain. His room was in the basement, with the Red Ajah. Only Warders stay in Ajah quarters. He would need a new room, back in the Warder Hall.

He sunk back down, elbows on his knees, as he gripped the back of his neck with both hands. Light how he just wanted to cry. Despite everything, he almost considered it, barely caring what Mirin would make of it. It's not like things can get worse. Something solid connected with his forehead. From the feel of it, he had planted his head on her desk.

And with that, so started the tears.

Mirin stared at him, not quite knowing what to say. She hadn’t intended to make him cry. She reached around her desk and plucked out two white handkerchiefs that she kept for novices. A nudge resulted in him moving off her desk and burying his head in his hands instead.

“Here,” she said, handing him the first square cloth. With the second, she wiped her desk. She enjoyed its smooth finish and did not want it to warp. “It will be alright, Ravak. It will. Trust me. Look at me."

He did not seem to be listening. She knelt on the ground by his knee.

"I am here," she whispered. "I am here for you. Take as long as you need."

She placed her hand over his, covering the cold metallic glint of his tattoo.