The Grey Tower

The pall that descended upon them and the rest of the Mistress of Novices' office as Jaryd finished explaining the situation should have frozen Katrie to the spot. The barest flicker of amusement came at that, her breath hitching in her throat. The thought of ice was oddly appropriate. She felt cold. She had not stopped feeling it since that moment she and Dax had stumbled across the Asha'man in Deachal Green. She didn't know if she would stop feeling it. Her waist felt oddly naked. Before she had once again been summarily separated from her Warder, she had shoved her belt pouch into his hands. He would keep all that was inside safe.

It was a frightening testament to her precarious state that she could barely sense the Tairen at all, the bond twisting strangely through the closed off curtain of the brutal emotions that assaulted her from nowhere and everywhere all at once. Katrie felt as if her skull was going to crack from the strain, yet her chest felt empty and hollow, the warmth and gold that once inhabited there distorted and frayed by the jagged cold of betrayal and hurt. She felt those two things the most, each feeling like a spike firmly lodged inside of her heart.

The tall Cairhienin stared at Jaryd for as long as she could, her hands clenched into fists at her side. She couldn't breathe, no matter how many breaths she took. She didn't flinch as she brought her gaze forward, meeting the eyes that glittered like grey ice. The Mistress of Novices. Mirin. The smaller woman had been Katrie's mentor once, seemingly a lifetime ago, and had been kind to her. One look on the ageless face showed her that there would be no kindness to be found today. She was a runaway.

The pain inside of her flexed, and it was all she could do not to double over from it.

From the very edges of her peripheral vision, she saw Jaryd give Mirin a slight bow. Katrie's mind was curiously blank, each touch from Dax against her awareness burning as a red-hot brand as his overwhelming guilt, regret, remorse - Light, please... please make it stop - flayed away pieces of her soul. The sound of the door shutting was the loudest noise in the room.

"Explain." That single word, said in that familiar clipped accent, made her quail inwardly.

Katrie tried to speak, but her throat would not let her. She shook her head and tried again, her voice sounding hoarse and weak, even to her own ears. "It's as Asha'man Jaryd said. I ran away." She eloborated as vaguely as she could, knowing that if she didn't at least try, then Mirin was likely to figure out everything. The Mistress of Novices might very well figure it out anyway, but Katrie was fully prepared to lie her backside off.

"Dakson Gaidin was in the process of bringing me back to the Grey Tower when we were intercepted at Deachal Green. I don't know why he went after me. Maybe he feels responsible for me since that incident in Hama Valon." Brown eyes finally dropped to stare at the desk in front of her. "I ran because... I don't... want to be Aes Sedai. I don't want to be bound by the Oaths. I thought... since I'm so weak in the Power that it wouldn't matter... that the Tower would just let me go."

"I ran because... I don't... want to be Aes Sedai."

That was reasonable, thought Mirin. She had heard it all before. Many novices, or even Accepted, came to her office, sobbing their hearts out, when the pressures of the Tower became too much. And nearly everyone who passed through the Arches came out hating the Tower - at least for a little while.

But then Katrie continued. "I don't want to be bound by the Oaths," she said.

These words shocked the Mistress of Novices. She gasped, and then slammed her hand on the desk in a rare display of temper.

"Light... child! The Oaths are what defines Aes Sedai! To shirk the Oaths is to shirk responsibility! Who put this foolish idea in your mind? If you had wanted to go..."

Mirin bit her tongue, hesitating. Some of the Accepted who no longer wished to train at the Tower were allowed to leave. It was rare since the arches weeded out those who did not have the forbearance to return. Still, it was allowed. But Katrie was not a regular Accepted. Briefly, Mirin wondered if something had happened between the girl and her mother. She did not know Kaia Sedai well enough to know how the Keeper would react if Mirin had dismissed her daughter from the Tower.

Mirin took a deep breath and forced herself to calm down. She needed patience to tease out Katrie's motivations.

"Nevermind. We both know that your strength in the Power does not matter," she said evenly. Was that a lie? Sometimes it was hard to tell. Light, she was getting sloppy. "At least not much," she amended, gritting her teeth.

"You have certain talents and skills that the Tower could use, and one day I hope to welcome you as a sister. But to be Aes Sedai is to be a servant to the Tower, and a sister would not abandon the Tower of her own volition. As an Accepted, you should know better. Are the Oaths truly the only reason you left? Did you really think the Tower would be so cruel as to test you if you did not want to be tested, and to bind you to when you did not want to be bound? The Tower is strict, not cruel, Aikaterine. What do you dislike about the Oaths?"

The Tower might not be cruel, but some of the people were. Katrie kept still beneath Mirin's gaze, her breathing shallow and uneven, totally unsure with how she should answer. She had to protect Dax... she had to keep their bond. She couldn't bear it if she lost him again.

What about Jaryd? Try as she might, couldn't pretend that she didn't care about him. That very same care was as a double edged sword; it was what made the hurt and betrayal twist like a knife inside her chest. What would happen to the Asha'man if it became known that he had helped her all those many months ago? He would suffer worse than she. Burn me to ash, I can't let that happen either.

Light, what could she say? What would possibly convince the Mistress of Novices to drop the subject and send her to penance?

"What don't I dislike about the Oaths?" she replied, hating how her voice trembled. Katrie straightened to her full height, shoulders rolling back. "I've had a long time to think on it, Mirin Sedai." Not... entirely true, but not a lie either.

She repeated the same words she had told Jaryd, the emotion in them genuine. "All my life, I've lived in a gilded cage. I just want to be free. I've been told, 'you will be free to come and go once you are Aes Sedai.' which isn't true. I'll have to swear the Oaths, and then I be leashed. I've been told that I'll be free to come and go as I please, except it's not really freedom. I'll still be trapped until the day I die." Dark eyes met gray. "A cage is a cage. It doesn't matter if I can leave it sometimes. And the Oaths are still a leash, one that will be graven into my bones."

The pretty Cairhienin shook her head slightly. "I don't understand why the Oaths are even still necessary. Most people, if not all, don't trust Aes Sedai anyway. The people know that Aes Sedai wiggle around the truth when they want to. We're not the White Tower, so why are we following in their footsteps? I don't think it's working out so well for them. I just... I don't want to be leashed, or bound, or trapped. Why doesn't anyone understand, Mirin Sedai?"

Jaryd did. But Jaryd had brought her back. The knife twisted. To save my life. The knife twisted again.

As the girl spoke, Mirin felt her temper rising. How dared the girl question the tradition of the Oaths, the tradition that had been part of the Tower for over a hundred years? Who did she think she was, to dream of freedom while she wasn't even a fully raised sister? How presumptuous, to judge the ranks of whom she had not yet joined?

Despite her efforts to convince herself to the contrary, Mirin was a passionate woman with strong prejudices. What part of her anger was her own visceral reaction at being trapped in the Tower so soon after her own raising? What part of it was her own resentment of being bound, not by the Three Oaths, but by another trinity far darker than she had ever imagined? But despite her unhappiness, Mirin had never once considered running away. She loved the comforts of the Tower and the power of her position far too much. And so she remained, stewing in her discomfort.

Only long years of training kept her face smooth and her voice level.

"You say that you've had a long time to think on it, so I'm surprised you haven't come up with better arguments, Aikaterine. Let's start from the beginning. You ran because you wanted to be free. You did not want to be an Aes Sedai... because of the Oaths."

She watched the Accepted expressionlessly. Her inner fury grow colder with every word.

"Well, child, it seems that here lies the real question. Would you want to be an Aes Sedai without the Oaths?"

For long moments, Katrie stood there in silence, her gaze fixated on the desk between herself and the Mistress of Novices. When had the room started swaying? Several heartbeats passed before she realized that it was not the room; it was her. Almond shaped eyes closed, and she abruptly became aware of the exhaustion that dragged at her limbs, that dulled the edges of her vision, that made her mind feel as if it was jelly floating around in her skull.

Dax. Kitten. Deachal Green. Seanchan. Serenla! The collared woman in grey. Just get over it. The soldier with the bug-faced helmet. She had broken his nose. She had probably blinded him. She had killed him. Her stomach gave a slow, nauseating turn.

She suddenly, very desperately, wanted Dax.

An Aes Sedai without the Oaths. Why be Aes Sedai at all then? Why not just run away? Take my hand. and. run. Wasn't... wasn't that what she had been doing? With Dax. He asked me to marry him! Her brow furrowed slightly as her thoughts buzzed around nonsensically in spinning dizzying patterns that made no sense.

"I don't know, Mirin Sedai," came the soft answer. The Accepted did not have to pretend, her misery and despair genuine as she finally looked up. She didn't have enough presence of mind left to attempt to hide what she felt, and Katrie met cold grey eyes unhappily for a moment before dropping her face down to stare at the desk again. "Maybe I would want to be an Aes Sedai without the Oaths, but it's not really possible."

The pretty Cairhienin hesitated, the line of her shoulders slumping. "My mama casts a very large shadow," she grimaced at the quiet admission, not entirely sure why she was telling Mirin this at all. The Mistress of Novices wanted believable reasons; this reason was true. And it was so very uncomfortable. "I... wanted to know what it felt like to be out from under it." It sounded so... hollow as she spoke it out loud. Katrie made a helpless little gesture and lapsed into silence.

Mirin, too, sat in silence after Katrie's confession. Her anger faded as quickly as it came, and she found herself sympathizing with the child. Perhaps the girl did not mean to offend, she thought. Perhaps she simply needed time, and focus, and work. Now that Aikaterine was not attacking the Oaths, Mirin felt kinder towards her.

She tapped her lip thoughtfully.

"I think some distance will do you good, child," she said, finally. "To be an Aes Sedai is to be responsible for things that may not be comfortable. To work for causes that you may not agree with. To stand tall on your own two feet, even when others wish for you to bow. I think... yes, I think that some time on the farm will do you good. I think you will find the farm a far cry from the - what was that you said? Ah yes, a 'gilded cage'."

Aikaterine's expression was unreadable. Mirin wondered for a moment whether this was the right decision, and then quickly dismissed the thought. The Accepted had run away, without any intention of ever returning. And she had ran away with a man, a Gaidin no less! Essays, or chores, or any other penance would do the Accepted little good if that still put her in contact with that man.

Yes, the child needed some distance, away from the distractions of the Tower. Mirin attempted to smile kindly, but failed. No matter how she tried, she could never come off as a warm woman.

"When will you come back, you ask? When the sisters at the farm judge you are ready to return, child. Well, Aikaterine, do you have any questions?"

The farm!

No no no...

She was being sent to the farm. Probing fingertips went to the naked place on her finger where the band of simple gold should have been. Dax... Light, she couldn't even find him to tell him; there would be no warning, no way to let him know where she was going. It took everything she had to keep her face from contorting. Dax!

Katrie's breath hitched in her throat and her chest rose and fell in uneven cadence. It... she had to pretend it was okay. Like it didn't bother her as much as it did. She couldn't let them know... couldn't let them know about their bond. If they found out, they would take him away from her.

She paled beneath the coppery hue of her skin, brown eyes flying up to Mirin's face. Her former mentor was looking back at her expectantly. Questions? No... the tall Accepted had no questions. None that she could ask out loud at any rate. She shook her head, trying to summon up enough of her voice so she could answer.

"Just one, Mirin Sedai." A hoarse whisper was the best she could do, her bottom lip trembling. "When do I leave?"

In response, a nimbus of soft light surrounded the Mistress of Novices. A silvery slash appeared and began to rotate open.