The Grey Tower

Ember had stopped folding as she listened to Caddoc as he began to speak. This was a frankness she had not expected, and in fact she never got from the others when they spoke of Ajah choosing. Not that it was encouraged at her age anyway. She could not imagine him as a Blue or a Green, he did not seem passionate enough to her mind, but then she did hardly know him. His reasons for choosing the Yellow, for having the Talent in Healing made her nod her head, though she was confused. WHat he was telling her went against everything she had been told in Classes. "But what if I am no good at anything?" Nothing had been discovered about her yet, maybe it never would be. But she was stopped from asking any more questions as he continued on, his words making her lips part in surprise and her eyes widen just a little. Light, he is one of those!" She had met people like Caddoc in her life, those that felt nothing but played along to keep everyone else at ease. He healed cause he could, and possibly be the best at it, not because he wanted to. She liked her lips, but before she could rein in her mind she was talking again. "You do not feel anything, do you. Not like you should. ot the way others describe it to you." She quickly covered her mouth, realising what she had said to someone who seemed to have no conscience. And then she took a step backwards, more than a little worried.

His eyes, which had been focused on the Infirmary as if inspecting it for error, returned to Ember quickly as she spoke, asking him a question many had surely wondered, but few had dared. His eyes flashed with something, but his face stayed ever so serious as he simply looked at her, brows tweaking ever so slightly. He didn’t look away as he answered her, and his body posture never changed from the way he always stood. “I feel.” he answered her before going on. “In particular, I believe I am incapable of expressing the emotion. It’s when it goes from the mind to the body that is where I find difficulty. However, as to what you are likely truly wondering… No.” He lifted his gaze to the patients again, looking them over. “They are nothing to me. Most of them will only waste the life they are given, even those that answer to their so called ‘calling’. I do not ‘feel’ for them. I do not care about them. There are certain emotions I’m rather sure I’ve never experienced, or I’ve experienced them dully. Guilt, I believe, is one. Compassion another. But I can certainly feel anger, amusement, and a dull sort of happiness. I’m even capable of companionship.” He returned his eyes back down to her, the greens in them flashing and dancing with a sort of madness that they always did, but now that her attention had been called to it she might realize what she was looking at. But more than that, despite her fear (and that amused him) his eyes seemed to be opening to more questioning, as if she hadn’t managed to offend him, yet…

Ember felt like she should run now, to leave the very scary not-quite-Ashah'man, and she nibbled her lower lip as she did, covering that with a hand as she covered her mouth. The look in his eyes scared her more than anything, and in that moment she knew that he had not taken the Oaths yet, and in that he was not bound to do no harm. Oh hells! She did not interrupt him as he explained what it was he felt, and how, and she did not know what exactly to say or do. It was his mention of companionship that made her eyes widen a little more, and she shook her head just a little. She had no idea how that happened, no idea at all. And while his green eyes made her want to run and hide, she did not look away. She did not break eye contact with him. "How? How can you be with someone? Make them feel...anything? How do you make them believe you care?" She licked her lips, still wanting to run but showing a hint of bravery that she never even knew she had.

He looked amused, his expression shifting just a little, his brows twitching up, his mouth lifting barely at the corners. “I think you mistake my meaning of companionship.” He told her. “A romance? Mmm..” He mused for a moment, “If I put my mind to it, perhaps I could indeed lead one to believe they were special to me, in some way at least. But women are…” he paused for the correct word. “Trying, at best. I find it much preferable to simply engage in what both of us truly desire, and then move on. I find no reason to linger. But companionship does not only mean romance.” He did not look in the direction of his Warder as he spoke, but stayed near the linens, once again looking over the Infirmary, keeping his ever watchful eye upon it. “There are a few, granted an extreme few, that seem less of a waste than others. And of course, there are some like myself, those that understand. They do not expect more than what they are due, and they understand their limitations, as well as mine own.” He glanced back down at her. “But as for your question; how is it I am not found out? How is it that someone isn’t locking me away and studying me?” This truly made him look amused. “In a society of Asha’man and Aes Sedai, a society that teaches you to always control yourself, to never express more than you absolutely must, and to never lose control… you’d be surprised how often those such as me are overlooked. It was harder when I was a soldier, or even a Dedicated. The longer I am here, however, the more others assume I am only...assimilating into what they desire I become.”

Ember was sure that for a moment he looked amused. Not happy, or laughy, but just amused. And she knew amused could turn two ways, and one would not be good for her. She was not some simpering girl who did not know what adults did together, her Father had tried to shag every woman between the Mountains of Mist to the Spine of the World after all, and she had walked in on him more than once. She knew he did not love them, but they had eased needs within themselves, needs that she was starting to understand as she got older. Though some random fumblings in haylofts did not show her all there was to know. When he moved on to talk about those he could tolerate or keep around, she wondered what category she fell into then. But she guessed she was more an annoyance than anything else. "Oh..." It was all she could think of saying. When he moved on to speak of how he fit in, she blinked, and she knew he was right. They were taught to be emotionless, calm, controlled and that was exactly what Caddoc seemed to appear. "So...you pretend to be like the others, though in reality they are pretending to be like you." Her voice had lost the edge of fear, but while she was still uneasy, she was more interested than anything else right now.

“You are close enough to correct.” He agreed, adding. “I ‘pretend’ nothing. They simply accept, and most do not ask further questions. Some have higher senses of preservation and sense that I am different… But even then they rarely question.” He lifted a hand, gesturing to the Infirmary. “I am useful, I have a niche, and there is no evidence of me being out of control. Perhaps, if they sense anything at all amiss about me, they only assume that I am leashed and controlled. A dog with it’s teeth pulled, so to speak.” He returned his gaze to her again. “In reality, it is not fear of punishment that keeps me from breaking inane rules. It is that there is no *reason* to break them. Why should I harm one that has not brought threat to myself? This, of course, is what all fear. That I am what is called a psychopath. I am not. A psychopath feels the urge to hurt for the sake of control. They need to prove to themselves that they are dominate in their lives, and some are sadists. I have no reason to prove what I already know. And I am far from a sadist. If I am threatened, of course I would deal with the threat, and damn the laws or rules or socially accepted actions. But for the most part, to me at least, 90% of those I encounter are harmless to me, and so I am to them.” He cocked his head to the side, seeming curious as he asked. “Does that put you at ease? The whites of your eyes have grown quite large in the last few moments. And from the artery in your neck, it’s easy to see your heart has sped up. Perhaps you should sit…” It was hard to tell if he was mocking her, or actually giving advice.

His answers held a strange kind of logic that she could not argue with, it did make sense. A strange, weird sense. He healed cause he could, because he cliffs do it well, and if he acted detached from his patients then maybe he was just keeping himself from the pressures of carrying to much. And if anyone above him noticed, well why should they care? He did as was told, as what was expected, and was a boon to the infirmary. It was unbelievable, and it made her fear how many people in the Grey Tower were like Caddoc. She got that he wasn't a psychopath, she had heard of them, of what they could do, even witnessed a trial or two in her travels. But did he know that she knew the difference? She nodded her head to him, showing that she got the differences between the two, really not wanting to make him angry. If he really felt anger that is. But it wasn't until he cocked his head to the side, and spoke of get eyes and her pulse that she swallowed a hard lump in her throat. Was he messing with her? Patronising? Maybe trying to scare her on purpose. She had no idea. Her hand move to her neck, as if she was trying to shield her arteries from sight, and she blinked as she looked away. "I won't say anything, to anyone. Who would believe a ein away novice anyway." She still found him amazingly attractive, but he did not seem to be the right person for her lusts, let alone feelings. "I Um... I should..." She did feel faint in that moment, and she swayed just a little on hey feet. Fear, exhaustion, lack of breakfast, take your pick.

His head cocked to the side when she promised to tell no one, looking...interested? Amused? It was hard to say. Then he gave that small smile. “I don’t care if you do tell anyone.” He answered her, honestly. “Your spreading of my...lack of ability would gather with the others that avoid me.” He watched as she began to stutter, seeming to be searching for a reason to run, as they so often did. In his mind, the show of this fear dismissed her from his thoughts, and he nodded, “Of course. Run along.” However, as he turned to head back towards the Infirmary, he *did* of course catch the way she swayed. He had reversed his shoulders in an instant, and instead of walking away from her, his hand slipped behind her back, holding her up on a way that was physically close, but not personal or flirtatious. “You should sit.” He said again, and this time it was not a suggestion, but instruction. He lead her to one of the Infirmary beds, and his hand slipped from her back down her shoulder, and to her wrist where he measured her pulse. “You’re paler than you should be.” He commented as he did this, now in full Healer mode.

Was she shocked that he didn't care, a little bit but she knew she shouldn't be. But really. Why had she stopped to talk to him, why had she asked him anything? She should have just treated him like an Asha'man and left it as that. And his dismissal angered her, but she already felt way to out of sorts to do much about that. She flinched as he came towards her, but in her moment of light-headedness she was in no way quick enough to pull away. He was standing close to her, closer than she wanted (though she was not admitting that to herself) and being escorted to a bed. His time brooked no argument and she didn't try. Oh hell, she needed to get away. He had obviously judged her lacking. His hand moving down her arm made her shiver and once again she was looking up into those green eyes. "I didn't sleep much and had chores and missed breakfast..." And found out a guy I kind of fancied has no feelings and could kill me if he thought me a threat. Luckily she didn't add that last bit as she dropped her gaze.

Caddoc’s fingers held with a firm grip as he measured her pulse in her wrist. Listening to her, he nodded to what she told him, brow seeming more serious than it had been a moment before, eyes ever so slightly drawn together in concentration as he heard her reasonings and took her vitals. He checked her eyes, holding down the lid of one and then the other for a moment, and then looked at the pallor of her skin before speaking again. “I cannot do much about your sleep for the most part.” He said, knowing that often the chores of a trainee kept one awake long and waking early. “And you are not in danger. Healing would do you little good. However…” He lifted a pad nearby and looked at her. “Tell me the Aes Sedai you serve the most in the mornings. I shall have a personal word with them about making sure you eat when you should. And you will spend the next hour here resting. Who are you supposed to be reporting to soon? I will send them a missive through one of the Novices or Soldiers in attendance…” The look on his face, for all the fact that his expressions were minute, brooked no argument. If she didn’t tell him, he very well might go to the Mistress of Novices herself and request the information from her.