My Life Flows on in Endless Song... [OPEN]

[Steven]

Keiran Taravin Keiran shuffled his feet uncomfortably, knowing that the girl, Flora, probably wouldn't appreciate him being witness to her outburst of emotion. He understood though, the feeling of having your life turned upside down in the blink of eye, the path of your future altered forever. With a glance, he dismissed Captain Mikael, nodding Kaci to follow. Perhaps he could ease her discomfort a little, not surrounding her with unknown faces.

Her sobs subsided, her eyes taking in Keiran as if she had forgotten he was there. He smiled at her reassuringly. Keiran gave a nod to her father as she introduced him. As she did, he could see her eyeing his clothes, analyzing his stance, straight backed standing tall and proud. He sighed. It was a look he had gotten many times before. Keiran watched her a moment, saw as her gaze turned inwards, sizing up herself in comparison.

"The Aes Sedai wishes to leave as soon as possible but she can do without me. I'm not going." Keiran stood in silence a moment. Light! If I return without her, Jordanna Sedai will make my life bloody miserable. For a moment, Keiran craned his neck, preparing to unleash a tirade of commands. He quickly dismissed that thought however. This was a girl, a scared girl, told in no kind words by the very definition of an unkind Aes Sedai that she was to abandon her home, her family, and her life.

Keiran stepped closer so he could speak softy, "Flora, I understand your apprehension. I do, I really do. I lost consciousness when I learned I could channel, and I was just told. No bolts of lightning streaked out of the sky then. Just the thought of channeling the One Power, of becoming Asha'man, was enough to overwhelm me." Keiran shrugged, he wasn't ashamed, it was merely fact.

"At the Tower, you and I would be no different. Aes Sedai and Asha'man don't care about titles. To them, we are just children." He extended his hand to her. "Come learn with me?"

[Estel]

For a moment, it seemed as if Keiran would unleash a few biting words to chastise the foolishness of her choice. Flora crossed her arms insolently. She stared him down defiantly, though puffy red eyes left much to be desired in the area of intimidation. The singer dared this young noble to order her to pack as he had so easily barked commands to his departing retainers. She began preparing her own choice retorts. Her family might be simple gleemen, but they owed nothing to any Lord – nor any tower, be it white, black, or grey.

Perhaps the boy registered her response because Keiran seemed to deflate, switching tactics. Briefly, Flora wondered if Asha’man had some hidden ability to read people’s mind – she had heard that Aes Sedai could know a man’s thoughts before he had conceived them, was this the same? Would she develop this same skill if trained in the Tower? Whether yes or no, the answer would not change hers. Flora had travelled too far down her current course to alter direction now.

The blond-haired boy stepped closer and colour again raced to Flora’s cheeks. In spite of her resolve to remain insubordinate, a nervous smile tugged at her lips. Light, now was not the time to be fawning over some wool-headed Asha’man-to-be, well above her station. Keiran spoke of being equals in the Tower, he invited her to come with him; Flora felt her cheeks glow. For a moment she considered taking his hand and running off toward the Grey Tower to become Asha’man and Aes Sedai. She imagined for a second this was his way of making a pass at her; that Keiran might be even marginally as attracted to her as she was to him.

Instead Flora took a step back, holding to her anxiety as reality. It was easy to assume equality from a higher position but like standing on a cliff, the distance seemed much higher from the bottom than from the top. Among the posh spawn of aristocrats, with their tutors and fine-manners, she would be out of place. Flora would be a rough wooden chair incongruous amidst furniture of the wealthy; they all had the same function but one simply did not belong. Besides, even if this handsome stranger were coquetting her, it would be in the same way that Tom chased after a girl for a few hours of company before forgetting her entirely.

She shook her head. “No. I am content with the life I have.” Flora turned to her father, believing the issue dealt with. Jon put a hand on her shoulder and smiled sadly.

“You are going.”

For the second time that day, a cornerstone upon which Flora had built her existence shifted, setting the plans she had worked so hard to build tumbling down. She shook Jon’s hand from her shoulder, stepping back from both of these men who had shattered the framework of her life. With three simple words, her father had stolen the impetus that rooted Flora in the path of which she had been so certain until now. It was this uncertainty that froze Flora in place, no longer moving forward but not yet able to give in to the path down which Keiran and the Aes Sedai were pushing her.

She turned away from both men and threw up her arms to shield herself from their influence. The singer was not yet ready to be reasonable or to make any decision she would undoubtedly regret later. Her world continued to spin out of control and it was all Flora could do not to collapse back to the ground in a miserable heap. Unable to put into words the distress she was feeling or the emotional exhaustion of the past hour, Flora could only whimper one forlorn word in response.

“No.”

[Steven]

Keiran Taravin Keiran ran his fingers through his hair. Light! Why can't this be easy? No, that wasn't fair. He silently admonished himself for the thought. With a glance to her father, "May we have a moment?" Her father nodded, gazed at Flora reluctantly, and walked away slowly, continuously peering over his shoulder at them.

Gesturing to Festival going on around them as if nothing was amiss, Keiran asked, "Walk with me?" After what seemed like an internal battle Flora fought with herself, she smiled her agreement. They walked for awhile. Passing jugglers and fire breathers, acrobats and dancers, they took in all the sights and sounds of merriment happening around them. For a moment, Keiran forgot his own apprehensions about the Tower, about becoming Asha'man. There wasn't a moment he could remember since learning he could channel that his stomach wasn't tied in knots. What if he wasn't any good at channeling? What if he wasn't brave enough? What if he lost his mind, being away from Kaci for so long?

As if summoned from his mind, Keiran heard Kaci's laughter over the din of the crowd. He spotted her some distance away, throwing knives at a wooden bullseye with Captain Mikael. Keiran smiled to himself, he doubted anyone could beat Mikael at knife throwing.

"Flora, I see the way you look at me. As if you think I'm somehow something better, something more." He laughed, if his Grandmother heard this next part, she'd lynch him in the middle of the Inner City. "Just because I was born to a noble family, does not make it so. Wealth and Power were given to me. You. You have had to earn your reputation through skill and hard work. Really I'm the one who should be impressed by you. Performing in a place like this, in front of huge crowds?" Keiran stopped, laying a hand on Flora's shoulder. "Flora, if you don't think you would make a good Aes Sedai, you're a fool."

[Estel]

A little way off, a group of children sang and danced while Flora gazed on wistfully. She stood, back to Keiran and her father as if being unable to see them would also put events of the day out of her mind. Instead, she watched as one boy played a small wooden flute. His horrendous shrilling on the tiny instrument would have normally set Flora’s teeth on edge, but considering she might soon be forced leave behind this tremendous portion of her life, the singer stared at them mournfully. It was as if she were sitting at the sickbed of a person close to death, aggrieved and unsure if now was the time to express her farewell.

She did not turn away from the youngsters when Keiran dismissed her father, though the action rankled Flora some; it was not as if the lordling had been brusque, if anything he had been gentle. The singer was not sure why this bothered her except perhaps that Jon had so easily left his daughter in the care of a stranger when Flora was obviously troubled by the tumult of the crossroads at her feet. It was much easier to resent the person she had just met in place of the man whose approval meant everything.

Despite the urgency everyone else seemed to feel, Flora was very much unprepared to form any sort of reasoned choice. At this moment, what she wanted most was distraction. The singer needed to set her mind on something else until she calmed down enough that one thought was no longer abruptly interrupted by another as her panicked brain tried desperately to sort through the dearth of reactions and imagined possibilities that assaulted it.

It was this conflict that tumbled through her head when she turned to face Keiran and his question. Truthfully, she wanted to be alone in organizing her thoughts without the constant pressure to conform an emotional response to the expectations of those with stakes in the outcome of her decision. Flora had little desire to hear the many reasons she should become an Aes Sedai or why the Grey Tower would improve on her current situation. All she wanted was a chance to mourn the potential future slipping beyond her grasp.

However, Flora did not wish to appear discourteous when it was plain that Keiran wanted only to help the singer come to terms with her new state of affairs. So, apprehension notwithstanding, she smiled feebly and fell in step with the young man.

They walked together in silence for some time and though the two of them passed all manner of divertissements, Flora noticed little. The singer remained hostage to her whirling mind, picturing umpteen possible Moirai for herself: celebrated poet and singer, legendary warrior of the Green Ajah, cosmopolitan troubadour, feted Brown Sister, eminent bard, accomplished Yellow, illustrious composer, the Grey Ajah’s leading conciliator. Given time to think, she traced each thread, considering the permutations of each decision from this point forward. Gradually, she felt less hatred toward the eventuality of becoming Aes Sedai; however, this in no way eased Flora’s confliction over leaving behind everything she had thus far ever known.

It had been minutes since she had last acknowledged Keiran’s presence. When he broke the silence between them, Flora had to shake herself from the depths of her reverie. She was taken aback by his perceptiveness – no doubt this would serve him well shortly as an Asha’man. The singer doubted she could ever decode a person’s expression as well as Keiran was able to read her. Flora found deciphering her own sentiments difficult enough, never mind trying to interpret another’s.

The young man rested a hand on Flora’s shoulder but she was too focused on finding words to express her overwhelming sense of disquietude to feel shy or inept. While she appreciated his confidence in her strength of character, insecurity was not the foremost concern at which she was balking. Biting her lip, the singer struggled to string together more than two cohesive sentences to explain the trepidation she felt. Keiran stared at her expectantly awaiting a response she could not properly phrase.

“It is not that I fear failure… at least, not entirely. I just…” she trailed off, frustrated by her inability to sufficiently articulate the nebulousness of her agitation. Flora opened her mouth to speak several times, failing to find an adequate explanation. Finally, she tried another approach.

“Singing defines me; it is the first word that comes to mind when I am asked to describe myself. Every person that has ever mattered to me or made any impact on my life has been a musician – it is what binds my family together, our livelihood. To be recognized for this has been my only goal since I was a child. It is as much a part of me as my arms and legs. The thought of somehow damaging my voice and being unable to sing… it is devastating – being unable to sing is torture. That someone might say I have less than an exceptional voice… I would rather be considered thoughtless, plain or homely.

“This is my identity: I am a singer. Asking me to walk away from that… it is as if I am burying a member of my family. To not continue performing at the level I am now… Imagine the ability to fly and then having one’s wings clipped – forced to watch others do as you once could, but no longer able to more than flap your wings.

“My only means of allaying anxiety, or any acute emotion, is through music; I can express myself far better in song than through words.” Flora sighed in exasperation, unsatisfied with her ineloquence. “I cannot fully explain what the Grey Tower is asking of me.”

Brow furrowed, she turned to Keiran and attempted to discern his reaction, willing him to understand her discomfiture but as yet unable to properly elucidate the amorphous angst that defied her meagre vocabulary. Instead, she turned the question around on him. “What about you? Would you say that you are defined by any one thing?”

[Steven]

Keiran pursed his lips in thought, and then nodded his understanding. "Actually Flora, I think I do. My sister." He pointed to her, still throwing knives with Captain Mikael. "I have never been apart from her a single night in my entire life. Never." Keiran watched her, laughing with Mikael. Happy. But for how long? It would be just as hard for her, being apart. It was Keiran's fault, he was the one who could channel.

He let out the breath he didn't realize he was holding in. "We are twins, but she can't channel. The Tower will keep me locked inside until I've learned enough to control it. Who knows how long that will be? Months? Years? One night is too long for me to not see her. I won't lie and say the thought of it does not terrify me." He leaned on a metal pole driven in to the ground to hold up a nearby tent.

"What choice do we have, Flora? We can't outrun the One Power. Once I'm an Asha'man, I can see Kaci as much as I want. She even intends on training to be a Gaidar so I can bond her one day, though not at first." The thought of Kaci in that color shifting cloak, standing guard for him at all times, brought back memories from when they used to play in the countryside as children. She had already protected him dozens of times, mostly with her fists though. The reminiscence brought a smile to his face.

"I am bringing my Lute, and I fully intend to play it in whatever free time I may be able to find. You could surely do the same? It wouldn't rule your life as it does now, but you wouldn't be separated from it forever. Does no part of you desire to be Aes Sedai? Have you never thought of the good you could bring to the world? I know that daydreaming as a child of marching around the Grey Tower channeling the One Power, is different than learning you could actually become Aes Sedai, but surely you've at least thought of it?" He posed the question with a raised eyebrow and a teasing expression.

[Estel]

Flora followed Keiran’s finger to a girl throwing knives with some of the soldiers she had seen earlier; they were undoubtedly twins with the same golden hair and similar facial features. The lordling confirmed her suspicions moments later and she listened with half an ear as he continued on; instead, Flora continued to watch the young woman laugh easily surrounded by so many impressively outfitted men. An Aes Sedai should be comfortable enough in her own skin that she felt no need to make comparisons to other women but the singer could not stop herself from staring at Kaci with some amount of jealousy. Where Flora was plain and reserved in the company of strangers, Kaci was gorgeous and appeared at ease, even nonchalant, with the attention she received from those around her.

Surely these two blond paragons were the ideal candidates for the Grey Tower: the brooding, brilliant channeller and the brave, beautiful warrior. Flora was so simple in comparison. She would be the perfect bard to set their odysseys to music and at this, she could succeed – the singer would never be their equal. Was this her fear then? Was this the reason she balked at becoming Aes Sedai? Was she afraid of leaving behind her semi-prodigious talent and running the risk that she would be only mediocre as a channeller? These two were sure their grandeur lay in the Grey Tower but Flora had tasted the fruits of her labour and was not sure this new path offered a better opportunity – it was certainly less sure than her current situation.

What she would not give now for her harp, silence – and alcohol. The roiling anxiety overwhelming her would not abate until she found some way of releasing it. This was what Flora had tried to explain to Kieran but there were few who could ever understand her inexplicable need to express the tension that was rendering her near catatonic. Only those whose lives were so deeply drowned in their art could comprehend the blandness of living without it – or living in it less. This was her torture. Keiran spoke of playing his lute and assumed that she too could simply… play less and survive. That music might not forever be the centre of her life, it was like a master poet confined to use only the vocabulary of a young child.

Without knowing when she had done so, Flora had turned away from the young warrior girl, closed green eyes, and dropped her head to hands clenched tight in grief. She leaned opposite the lordling against a stack of leathergoods crates, heedless of their stench. Barely audible beneath her breath came a hum; it was an old funeral dirge the singer had learned long ago and as close a musical expression of sorrow as she had ever heard. In truth, Flora was only half-conscious of the melody resonating within her chest as she listened to Keiran’s words that made it too clear she had little choice in the matter of her future now.

The soft elegy earned Flora conspicuous glances from passers-by and it was this that alerted the singer to her tic. She reddened again but now her embarrassment had little to do with the handsome man staring. Family had often informed the young woman that she would sometimes sing or hum beneath her breath without realizing. This song was different though, almost as if she had been taken by a fit; like a madwoman out of touch with the world and mumbling incoherent thoughts based only in her own reality. Becoming uncomfortably aware now of her surroundings, Flora returned to the conversation that had remained silent for what was, to her, an indeterminate amount of time – moments, minutes, she could not say.

Despite the brief catalepsy it caused, the lament had served its purpose; while Flora could not experience relief from current misery, it did allow her to return fully to the present. She reran Keiran’s half-remembered words through her brain and responded with the crushing realization of which she was now cognizant. “So, what the Aes Sedai meant was that I had no choice in the matter. I can channel, apparently, and whether I come willingly or not, I will be going to the Grey Tower.”

The singer sighed but tears remained, thankfully at bay. She continued on before the future Asha’man could reply. “It’s not that I haven’t dreamed of it before – but they were the idle fantasies of a child who then thought they were entirely impossible. I am a commoner: to be a bard someday was the highest future I could possibly achieve before today – and I had planned to be the best. I have done nothing but think of becoming an Aes Sedai since I met you yet despite the… honour of being able to channel, this… great privilege does not suddenly usurp my passion for the foundation I have already laid for myself.

“Despite what you may think of me or yourself and the advantages you have had in life, you are a far better person than I. You speak of the good I could do and I can only assume you have long considered the good you might do after your training. However that thought did not once cross my mind as I have struggled with the decision that is not even mine.” There was some bitterness in her voice but it had nothing to do with her obviously base character. “I have thought only of how my going to the Grey Tower will affect me and what I am leaving behind to do so. I have not spent a moment thinking of how I might affect others.”

Flora challenged the young man now, not angry with him insofar as she was frustrated with her lack of control over recent events. Her tone was not exactly venomous but the singer showed now a darker side of herself. “Do you still think I will make a good Aes Sedai, selfish and self-absorbed as I am?”