The Grey Tower

Katrie's eyes drifted shut as she helplessly turned her face into his touch, feeling the exact moment when Dax's fingers pushed further up into her hair, his fingertips curling so very gently against her temple. How can I hate you when you're the only one who has ever given me freedom? Unbidden tears welled up behind closed eyelids, moisture catching on the curling fringe of long lashes. She was silent and still as twin trails of glistening wetness slipped down her cheeks.

The shattered pieces of her heart knitted back together so quickly that the tall Cairhienin felt herself jerk involuntarily in response to the sharp not-quite ache, only becoming aware of the occurrence by the sudden absence of pain that somehow managed to reach her through the layers of cold, ice, and confusion. Heat pulsed where he touched her, lines of fire spreading outwards. She felt dizzy... the world slowly beginning to spin.

He had said so much more, things that were important. She knew that but could not focus on them. She tucked the rest of his words away inside of her mind for her to think on later. For now... right now... all that mattered was that he didn't hate her.

“I gave you my word, Dakson Torellion,” she whispered, finding that the taste of salt coated her lips and tongue again. She was suddenly so very very tired, reeling and unsteady. She forced sable orbs open, struggling to focus on the perfect blue of his eyes through the haze of shimmering blurriness and sheer exhaustion.

She lifted shaky hands, her fingertips hovering hesitantly just above the point of contact with his skin. Their eyes met and Katrie made a little noise, a fresh wave of tears falling, and she began tracing over his jawline, her touch tentative. The time spent apart had done nothing to dull her memory, her mind following her fingers with haunting familiarity as she touched every angle and curve of Dax's face. Jaryd kept his promise. Again. That stray thought made the tears come faster and hotter.

The Accepted let her arms fall to her sides, her head bowing. “I'll never be free... I know that now. How could I make you suffer the same thing?”

Tears slid down Katrie's face, pooled in the corners of her mouth, and then dripped over her chin. The glistening tracks captured his attention, and his thumbs shifted to wipe them away. All the breath left his body as her fingers touched his jaw and slid over his face, grazing every line and feature. Lines of fire crept over his skin and he lost himself in that feeling, frozen in time by a touch he had only dreamed of since he went to the Citadel.

Her arms dropped and her head bowed against his hand. He looked down at her in concern, his mind still reeling from the feel of her fingers so delicately tracing his face. "I'll never be free... I know that now. How could I make you suffer the same thing?” Her voice had taken on an empty and hollow quality, her face hidden from him by a thin curtain of tangled black hair, and her shoulders slumped in defeat. His fingers tightened on her arm, but she did not respond, her thoughts turned so far in that even he could not follow. Not anymore.

Dax shifted until he could rest his back against the door she had been writing on, his arms crossing over his chest as he looked at her. "Never be free? Katrie, you will be Aes Sedai. You will have more freedom than most people can dream of."

"I will be bound forever, by Oaths graven in my bones," she whispered, finally looking up at him with haunted eyes. Her hands balled into fists, and she scowled. "I don't want to be Aes Sedai!"

The Gaidin tilted his head, his thoughts strayed back over the time he had known her. This is Katrie, he had told himself before she laid her hands on him that fateful night. Not a scheming Aes Sedai. He could no more imagine her with an Aes Sedai's serene face than he could imagine her wed to some placid nobleman in the backwoods of Cairhien, and suddenly the idea of her even trying to be that way seemed desperately wrong.

"So run away."

"What?"

"Run. Away." He tilted his head forward, his gaze on hers steady, but bright. "Leave the Tower behind.”

She stared back at him as if he had suddenly sprouted another head, her swaying becoming more pronounced and unsteady. What…? Katrie reached out, fingertips grasping the surface of the ruined closet to keep her balance. The well of tears abruptly dried out, her complete shock at Dax's words effectively squelching out every other negative emotion she felt.

She blinked several times, her eyes never leaving bright blue. “I don't want to be Aes Sedai,” she repeated softly, more for herself than anything else. There was a need… an overwhelming need to give voice to the thoughts that crashed against her skull. “I don't want to be bound by the Three Oaths. Jaryd said that... even as a weak channeler, I have power over those that can't, but I don't want that... I don’t care about any of that...”

Then what do you care about?

Dax’s face filled her vision, Katrie rocking back on her heels. Her free hand went up to press against her forehead, the way her brain cramped behind her eyes distracting, and the pull towards him was broken as she was forced to drop her gaze. Then, she wiped hastily at her cheeks, her face tilting back up so she could look up at the man that had once been her lover and bondmate.

“I'd barely pass the Great Stair...” A furrow appeared between her brows, sable orbs wide as she peered searchingly over the Tairen's face, her lips parting slightly. “I can't just leave... can I...?” That last was asked with something that sounded very much like breathless hope. “Can’t I...?”

The grin that answered her was familiar. Katrie felt the corners of her mouth curve up in response, some of the shadows that lingered around her eyes lifting. Dax uncurled from his position across from her, his movements flowing and fluid in a way she had never seen before. He stretched out towards her, hand extended, palm up. “Take my hand. and. run.”

Katrie glanced uncertainly between his face and the callused palm he offered her. He was… serious. He meant it. Dax… The numbness she had been living behind cracked and split open in wake of the fire and golden light that twisted up to consume her. She inhaled sharply, wincing at the way it hurt her body to do so. That didn't matter.

“You'll come with me?” she asked him quietly, hesitantly, awed by the enormity of that revelation. Yet again, she tried to find him through the bond they no longer shared, a strange little lump coming to her throat when she failed to sense him.

“Yes, kitten.”

And somehow… the hollow ache in her chest lessened. She couldn't help but smile at his pet name for her, the tall Cairhienin slipping her hand into his.

Dax saw her bewilderment, and found himself grinning in response. He pushed himself away from the door and held his hand out. “Take my hand. and. run.” He said, his voice low and intense. He saw wild hope flare in her brown eyes, the light he knew so well bursting back to life.

“You’ll come with me?” she asked, eyes wide.

“Yes, kitten,” he said, his voice somehow steady despite the wave of hope that crashed over him. The Cairhienin put her hand in his, her unrestrained smile wider than any he had yet seen. Something flickered in her eyes as she looked at him, something greater than simple joy. He flinched away from that unknown feeling and dropped his gaze, but his fingers remained entwined in hers.

“We will- need to make plans,” he said haltingly as he tried to push through his shock. He had not actually expected her to take his hand, but now that she had...his mind raced ahead, examining every plausible course of action. Getting out of the Tower would be easy; getting out of Hama Valon, on the other hand...that presented a challenge. Lost in thought, he did not recognize her distress until she fell against him, eyes half-closed. “Katrie, what-” his mind reached again, searching for an answer it could not find.

“Tired,” she whispered.

The Gaidin shifted, guiding Katrie to the bed with careful hands. She winced as she sat, tears once again sliding down her cheeks as her movement jostled unseen hurts. Dax found himself cursing the Tower and every Aes Sedai in it, a relentless diatribe of profanity muttered under his breath as he helped her pull her legs up and lie down. The death grip she had on his hand only fueled his fury. What had such powerful women hoped to gain by beating one of their initiates half to death? Why hadn’t Liza asked him to speak to her before taking such a drastic step? At least when I got beaten in the Yards, I had the opportunity to defend myself!

He looked around once Katrie had settled, noticing again the disastrous mess she had created. “If this isn’t cleaned, they’re going to punish you again?” he asked, his mouth twisting around the words. Her eyes had already closed; his only answer was a slight increase in pressure from her fingers. As he waited for her to sleep, his raging thoughts turned again to the problem of getting a tall Accepted out of the city unseen….and the endless emptiness that stretched within him, devoid of Katrie’s presence.

Katrie held as still as she could as she was probed and prodded at, fussed over by one of the Aes Sedai not regularly on duty. Silently, the Accepted took in the yellow and gold jewelry glittering from neck, ears, fingers, the chestnut hair piled high, the resplendent gown of pale silk, the serene ageless face, and couldn't for the life of her fathom why Liza Sedai of the Yellow Ajah had taken such an interest in her.

Breathing and standing no longer hurt. Movement, such as walking, was tolerable so long as she was able to mentally prepare herself for it. It was slow going, but she no longer had to grope along the walls to propel herself forward. The idea of sitting was still unbearable; even with the handful of pillows stuffed beneath her, she had nearly dissolved into tears again. That she hadn't let herself cry... well small victories, she supposed, a slender coppery hand going to rub vigorously at her nose. Every so often, a hiss of pain escaped her as the welts and bruises and injured muscles twinged in raging protest, but with all that had happened in the last ten days -Dax... - she wisely kept her opinions to herself and did as Liza Sedai instructed.

Katrie tried to ignore the way the overpowering scents of disinfectant and cleanser tickled at her sense of smell. If she sneezed now... she wouldn't be able tolerate the way it would jolt her body. She rubbed at her nose again. The pretty Cairhienin kept her confusion contained, but questions still beat against her thoughts. Dax cleaned my room... why? Why did he let me sleep? A quick, uneasy glance around, sable eyes taking in the narrow beds, the crisp white linens, the jars of herbs and salves that lined one of the far walls. Why am I even here? She was fairly certain that she was still under the no Healing stipulation set forth by the Mistress of Novices.

The tall Accepted very purposefully did not think about the last time she had been here… over seven months ago… with Dax... crimson fire and golden light... and had woken alone without him – abruptly, she slammed down on the memories threatening to erupt and overwhelm her.

“And how are you feeling today, Aikaterine?”

Suddenly, fiercely, Katrie hated the Infirmary. Almond shaped brown eyes swung up to glare at the Aes Sedai before she remembered what was at stake. Her face relaxed, her expression immediately smoothing out. The Yellow noticed, but said nothing, the Aes Sedai's displeasure being made known in the form of a faint sniff.

“I am fine, Liza Sedai,” the Cairhienin answered finally, in the blandest, most neutral tone she could.

A noncommittal noise. “It is good that you cleaned up your room.” As if Katrie was a wayward disobedient child. As if the wretched woman hadn’t set her up to fail. “I was not looking forward to having to administer the consequences again if you had not.” The pause of silence that came between them was significant. “How did you manage?”

“I had help,” the Cairhienin answered simply, offering out a small tantalizing kernel of truth. Too much, and it would be as bad as offering up none. If her chin was lifted a little higher than usual to match the stubborn set of her mouth and lips… well, that wasn’t entirely intentional.

“Help?” That was not what the Aes Sedai had been expecting.

“Yes.”

“Dakson Gaidin?” Liza's gaze grew sharp and measuring.

“Yes,” Katrie answered again without batting an eye. There was something about that night that made her valuable to the Aes Sedai… but she couldn’t figure out what, exactly. She recalled Dax's rage and his impressive tirade of profanities. It took every ounce of self control she had not to grin outright at the memory. She'd never heard most of the words and phrases before.

Long moments passed, the Aes Sedai and the Accepted staring at the other. Katrie said nothing more, wondering if the Yellow would press. The other woman didn't.

Abruptly, the glow of saidar appeared around the Aes Sedai and as fingertips touched the sides of her temples, Katrie stiffened, her blood freezing in her veins and becoming ice that flowed and wove through her. She gasped, choking on the sound, her mind reeling. In that moment of blind panic, she stretched out towards Dax instinctively... remembering too late that he no longer shared her awareness or her mind. The cold faded far too slowly for her liking, Katrie realizing belatedly that she had been Healed. She shifted against the pillows that cushioned her hurt-free backside, unable to keep from wiggling a little in delight, and then looked at the Aes Sedai questioningly.

The Yellow was very pointedly ignoring that look. When Liza Sedai deigned to finally acknowledge her again, it was only to say: “Embrace, Accepted.”

Katrie obeyed, opening herself to the rush of warmth and sweetness. The world around her jumped into focus with startling detail, the smell of disinfectant and cleanser nearly overpowering. She sneezed, somehow keeping a hold of the Source. A minute passed, then two, almond shape sable eyes meeting those of the Yellow that judged and measured. The nimbus of light that surrounded the tall Cairhienin was unwavering and steady. She couldn't say how much time passed, exactly, only that when when she released saidar at Liza's unspoken command, almost a quarter of the candle that the Aes Sedai had been using to track time had melted. Exhaustion slammed into her and she wilted, slumping over to the side. Her back was slick with sweat, the pristine white wool sticking in the most uncomfortable way.

“Good, Aikaterine, very good.” The Aes Sedai smiled at her, gold and yellow jewels glittering and winking. “You may take the remainder of today to rest and recover.”

Dax stood in the Yards, arms crossed over his chest as he watched his students practice. He had been working with them for just five days, and he already saw an improvement in their attitude and the effort they put into their practice. “Check your elbow, Kelle,” he commented, noticing the Amadician’s arms had drooped. She gave him a startled look, but the next time she swung at Desaine, she held her arm correctly.

His thoughts drifted as they sparred, going over the list of things that needed to be done before he and Katrie could leave for good. Acquiring horses and supplies would be difficult, but the hardest part would be getting Katrie out of Hama Valon. He knew from judicious inquiry that she spent most of her time in the presence of at least one Aes Sedai, which rendered it virtually impossible to talk to her. However...he had found success against such odds before. He could do so again.

We are leaving. The giddy thought interrupted his musings, and he found himself smiling. The needless restrictions of life in the Tower galled him, even with a return to Riahana’s good graces...and if one more person asked him why he had stopped going to the market district, that person would find themselves short a mouthful of teeth. He simply did not have the desire to explain what had happened at the Citadel to everyone in the Grey Tower. Couldn’t they see something had shifted for themselves, and leave the ‘why’ well enough alone?

The bell tolled, and he waved his students away, turning to the fence where he had left a mug of water. As he drank, he saw a figure in yellow approach from the south. The ko’di enfolded him in a moment and he dropped into Cat Crosses the Courtyard as he replaced the cup where it had been. Then he turned to face Liza Sedai, his face graven in stone.

“Good afternoon,” the Yellow said in her clear tones. As far as he could tell, she wore the same dress she had the last time he saw her, though today her hair fell in thick ringlets halfway down her back, and a cream-colored gossamer scarf draped over her shoulders. He bowed silently. “I trust you are well?”

“You hurt Accepted Aikaterine,” Dax responded, his voice cold and distant. He could feel his fury outside the void, but inside, his mind remained cold and deadly, focused on the Aes Sedai in front of him. “She could not defend herself, she had no choice but to submit to your authority, and your method of exercising it was to beat her?”

“Some matters, they are best to leave to the Aes Sedai, Dakson Gaidin,” Liza said calmly, her ageless face perfectly serene. “How we discipline our initiates can be none of your affair.” The Tairen tilted his head to the side, blue eyes cold as winter’s heart as he stared at her in silence. The Aes Sedai met his gaze steadily, neither blinking nor looking away for long minutes. I hate Aes Sedai, he thought passionately.

“That is not what I came to speak of,” Liza said finally, turning to look out across the field. “The Accepted, when she came to me, she told me something rather peculiar. I wanted to determine the accuracy of her statement.” She would not look at him.

“I can’t imagine what motivation she might have to lie to you,” Dax said, sarcasm dripping from every word. “You have been so kind to her.”

The Yellow whirled, raising her hand, and Dax felt the undeniable touch of the One Power as he rose in the air, arms bound to his sides. “Have a care with that mouth, Dakson,” Liza told him, still in that calm voice. “You tread a narrow path these days, and your options are growing fewer. You do not wish to anger Aes Sedai as well as your fellow Gaidin.” He tried to speak, and found she had bound his lips as well.

Let me go! Panic clawed at the edge of the Void. He clung to that stillness and forced himself not to struggle against those invisible bindings. He could not give her the satisfaction of witnessing his reaction. When she finally released him, she dropped him to the ground without benefit of warning. “She said you helped her clean her room,” the Yellow said as his feet hit the ground. “Why?”

Abruptly he longed for Katrie’s presence in his mind with such overwhelming force that he closed his eyes, counting slowly to keep his breath even. He wanted to feel her body against his, to hear her laugh, to- just to talk. Anything but the silence. “She told me what you did to her,” he said, his voice frigid. “She could not move without crying from pain.”

“You are not exactly known for granting selfless assistance to those in need,” Liza commented dryly.

He crossed his arms and studied her for a long moment, one eyebrow cocked. “Ask Riahana Gaidar what I am capable of before you judge me,” he said finally, his words clipped and chilly. “I did what I thought was right to do; my past has nothing to do with this.”

Pastel lips quirked on an ageless face, and blue eyes looking him up and down appraisingly. “I don’t suppose you will tell me what happened that night, either?” she asked, one hand pulling her scarf a little closer.

“That is not my story to tell,” he responded, eyes glittering. “The man who assaulted Accepted Aikaterine deserved to die, and that is all I am at liberty to say.” Chew on that in your pretty yellow dress, he thought acidically. “If you please, Aes Sedai, my watch is not yet done.” He bowed with a smile that was almost mocking, then turned to leave.

How DO I get an Accepted out of Hama Valon…?