Seems a Century / Tag Miahala

[Lou]

Tamora could feel the light of the day behind her closed eyes, but she refused to open them yet, she did not wish to face the day. If she did she would have to explain what had happened to Jenin, and she could not do that, not yet. The pain in her chest was still too raw for that, and it made her wish to scream and scream until the walls of the Grey Tower fell t dust around her ankles. She had been warned not to fall in love with her Warder, but she had let her heart decide this one aspect of her life. They had been together a decade, still so new compared to many others in the Grey Tower, but it had felt a life time for her. They had fought, lived, and loved, fighting the Dark Ones minions where they found them. And now it was just her. In the darkness behind her eyes she saw him, standing proud and tall as he made sure the Shadowspawn went for her, while she continued to hold the Gateway for the innocents of the Kandori town to get through. She held the Gateway and had managed to send weaves at their enemy, but it had not been enough. Jenin had face three Fades and countless Trollocs before he finally had gone down. She had felt the ripping pain as they stabbed him, the sorrow that his life was over, and his love for her before finally there was nothing, her Bonding weave snapped and she had felt the backlash of such. And had every day since.

Tamora eventually opened her eyes, unable to see that scene anymore. She could not take it, her heart was broken, but it still felt like it wanted to burst from her chest. In her bed in the Green Ajah quarters, in sheets she had lain in with Jenin the last time they had been here (though they had been laundered since) she realised that she could not smell him here. There was no sense of him here in the bed as there was not any sense in her heart. Oh Light, how am I supposed to go on? It was a question had been asking herself for days now. She had rested in the Kandori City where she had taken the towns folk to safety, to report the attack on their Blight Border, and then come back here. That had been a day ago, maybe two? She was not even sure how long she had slept and wept since she had come back. She knew that the servants had been in and out, bringing food and clean bathing water, but Tamora had laid there and ignored them. Talking to any right now was too hard. But she knew she would need to report to Miahala about what happened.

Thinking of the older woman, she tried t imagine her standing there now, and looking down at Tamora with disappointment at her piteous state. It helped, even if it would not have been true, to get Tam up and out of the bed. She went to the wash stand, seeing fresh lemon and mint soap and water. Embracing saidar, she used a little Fire to heat the water before she began to wash. She tried to wash the pain off her skin, leaving it pink and bright, but not one memory left her. She moved to her wardrobe, her hair damp from the wash. Picking out a black dress that seemed about right for her loss, she began to don it slowly. She embraced saidar to dry her long dark hair, but pulled it up into a knot at the back, something she never did.

Once she was sure she looked respectable enough, she made her way out into her sitting room, and saw her travelling items there, including Jenin's broken staff and axe. She had gone back the next day and rained hell down on the trollocs, finding no body but his equipment. She had brought them back to give to the Gaidin for their wall of remembrance. He would be honoured. She could see that everything had been cleaned, including his weapons of the black shadowspawn blood, and the red of his own. She touched the axe haft and felt another wave of grief ride through her body. It was the only thing he had taken more pride in than her, looking after his axe as well as he had her in their time together. Creator, help me.

Leaving his weapons there, along with his fan cloak, she made for her sitting room door, and headed out into the Green Ajah halls. She walked straight backed, her hands clasped at her waist, her face a mask that was barely holding in the emotions that were roiling through her body.

[Bella]

Miahala was, well, where Miahala usually was...

Iain had reached an age where he was attending lessons with the few other youngsters of the Grey Tower, beginning to learn his numbers and letters. It was a relief after having him in her office with her for the past few years to now have a little peace and quiet, even if her mother's heart still paradoxically missed his sweet face and curly red hair.

Now, it was quiet. She sat behind her great mahogany desk, reading and replying to correspondence...until there was a knock at the door. Without looking up, she un-knotted her protective weaves enough to let the door open. "Enter," she called. After all, shadowspawn usually didn't knock.

[Lou]

Tamora stood at the door, and she felt the weave around it drop, then hearing the woman inside call her to enter. She straightened herself up, and drew in a deep breath before touching a hand to the door knob and opening it. Miahala's office seemed much as it had been before she left, and she guessed it may well be the same for decades to come. She knew the Green Ajah was in good hands with the Battle General they had, and if Tarmon Gai'don broke out tomorrow, she knew they would be in safe hands. That made Tamora look down at her own hands, and the small shake seemed to mock her until she gripped them into fists. She would not break, she could not.

Closing the door behind her, she made her way forward and gave a curtsy that was right to ones head of Ajah in such times. She kept her eyes lowered, unable to meet Miahala's bright blues yet. "Battle General, I return to the Tower." She told her, her voice sounding flat even to her own ears. "I return from Kandor, the Blight Border." She said, the last word seeming to betray her and a small sob escaped in the form of a hiccup. Tamora pressed a hand to her middle, trying to contain herself, but knowing that she could not. She should have stayed in bed another day it seemed.

[Bella]

It was of course not the first time that Miahala had met her fellow Green, but there was something markedly...different. Mia frowned slightly with concern, taking in the look of the other woman. "Sit," she said, not unkindly, as she waved at the dark green and mahogany sofa on the wall beside the door.

Mia rose to her feet and crossed around to sit on the other end of the couch, weaving a flicker for Fire under the teapot on the center of the small table before the couch. She poured two cups. "It is good to see you again, Tamora. I am always glad to see a Sister return to the Tower, but I feel sure there is more to your return. Will you tell me of it?"

[Lou]

Tamora knew Miahala well enough to know that she told her to sit, it was not a request, but an order. A politely given, caring order, but an order nonetheless. A hand still pressed to her middle, Tamora made her way to the green settee that had been indicated, and settled down t one end, staring at the floor at the other woman made her way to the other one. Tam felt her weave, but she did not need to read any weave to know she may well be lighting a fire under her tea pot, or wrapping the room in silence. It did not matter to her which it was. Little mattered much at the moment.

As she poured two cups, Miahala began to speak, and Tamora looked up at that, her eyes were red rimmed, shiny with tears that she seemed to be stopping from falling with her sheer force of will. She knew this woman's kindness would be her undoing at this rate, and she drew in a deep breath, to steel herself for the telling. She spoke of tracking a large band of Shadow Spawn from the Blight Border towards a Kandori town. They had come upon them mid attack, so she had opened a Gateway to the Capital, and got the townsfolk to head through it, while Jenin had faced the brunt to buy her time. She had sent wave after wave of what weaves she could, but holding such a large gateway was taxing indeed.

And finally after so much abuse and pain, he had fallen, his final feelings one of love for her before the weave had snapped and she had been hit with the backlash of it. She was sure she had sent a wave of fire at the Shadowspawn then as the last person made it through the gateway, and she had stumbled in afterwards. By the time she had reached the part where she had gone back for his body the next morning, but only part having been left, she had had buried him, and brought his battle axe to go to the Warder Halls as proper, Tamora's composure had long since shattered, and she could not help by snivelling into her small handkerchief.

[Bella]

Miahala listened to Tamora's story without interruption, and with her full attention. Only the occasional nod or encouraging sound to assure her fellow Green that she was following along. It was a tragic story, and even more tragic was how... Well, it wasn't a 'common' story, but it was a tale too oft told all the same.

"Oh, Tamora," she said when the story was done. Being one who did not welcome physical touch from anyone not, well, not married to her or birthed from her, her expression in this area was limited, but she did briefly, kindly rest a slender hand on Tamora's shoulder. "There are few pains to one's heart and one's soul that can compare to such a loss. I am so sorry for it, dear."

[Lou]

Tamora felt a fool as she told her tale, the words slipping from her lips as the tears slipped down her cheeks. She knew that falling in love with her Warder was a foolish move, but not unheard of in these times. But while many other Ajah's could enjoy that love for as long as either part lived, for those of the Green it often ended this way. Though of course that did not make things any easier, just meant that those of the Green often became harder in battle, after all what did they have to loose?

The hand on her shoulder made her jump, but she did not shrug away either. The words were kind, and she laid a hand onto the other woman's hand, as much touch touching as she could take right then. She wished she knew what to say to her, to apologise for not being strong enough to save him, for losing one of the precious Gaidin. But no words wanted to come. She could only nod her head as her free hand curled around her cup, not even bothering with the saucer, a terrible mark of etiquette, but right then she did not care.

"I should be glad that they left his axe behind for me to bring to the Gaidin's hall." She said softly, looking into her tea when not sipping it, letting the steam slide up and over her face. She closed her eyes, trying to stop any more tears from slipping free. "I guess I am a sad cliche of a Green Sister." She said, a bitter laugh on her lips.

[Bella]

"Hush now," Miahala said with a rueful smile, giving the younger Aes Sedai's one small shrug before taking her hand back and folding them in her lap. "This is sadly a common tale for us, yes, but that does not speak less of you. Your own captain-general here before you has, well, married almost every warder I ever had. Loved the one I didn't marry.

"And I've lost them too. Ravak is my fifth bond-mate. The four before all passed. It's a tragedy every time, but we are not lesser for the love that we have felt. I believe, truly believe, that even with the loss and the guilt and the pain that we feel when it happens, we and they and the world are truly all stronger for it.

"Grieve him as much as your heart needs to, but never let guilt and grief diminish the power and the love of the time you shared, the battles you fought together, the sacrifices made."

[Lou]

Tamora did not know what she wanted more in that moment, confort or tough love, but she also knew she would take whichever was offered. And it was comfort and understanding, which she was sure would undo her more than she was already done, but no, she simply dried her eyes and tried to compose herself. Maybe an Aes Sedai was not meant to love. Maybe there was simply too much expected of them to allow them to give over their hearts. Maybe it was a lesson she should well learn.

She listened as Miahala spoke of her own experiences, and of taking her time to grieve but not feel guilt for his passing and her living. She knew it was what he would have wanted, after all, it was why he had sacrificed himself so she could continue on her duty, it was why the Gaidin trained. But it did not make it any easier.

"I know you are right," she said, as she smoothed out a winkle that was not truly there in her dark skirt. "But tell me, does it get easier?" She asked her Captain General, her eyes focusing on the table and the tea pot before her, and not at the other woman's gaze. She was far too scared to hear that it wouldn't, and while she could not lie outright, she could always try and lie to herself.

[Bella]

"Easier?"

Miahala repeated the word with a wry smile, and she wished that she had better words for the younger woman. She'd suffered this pain many a time herself now over the course of her long life, and suffered the further pain of outliving children...although that detail she did not see a need to include in this moment.

"I don't know that I can say it gets easier," she admitted quietly, picking up her cup and taking a sip. "It is...different when it happens again. The pain is perhaps not lessened, but it is less unfamiliar. You know how it feels and what to expect, and you know what steps you took before to heal. Who helped you on the way. It does become easier to heal, I suppose you could say. That part gets easier."