Sleepless [attn: Cat]

[Elan]

Jaren

Jaren could have argued, a part of him wanted to argue when Johan called himself an idiot, but preserving his dignity was likely more important to the Ji’val than reassurance, and so Jaren let it lie. The night around them seemed more still all of a sudden, the silence deeper, and Jaren gazed up at the Tower to give Johan a chance to gather himself. Many windows were lit, even at this time of night, and the tall building was quite beautiful.

The question about Warders took Jaren by surprise, and he looked back at Johan. “I don’t know,” he said, shaking his head slowly. “It’s a great responsibility, to bond someone, and I’m not sure I want it.” He thought of Jaryd, and what he’d heard of the effects of a snapped bond, and also what he’d learnt about what happens to the bond-holder when a Warder dies.

“And anyway,” he went on, “I don’t think I’d feel comfortable placing someone else between me and mortal danger. I can channel. Gaidin can’t. It’s… it doesn’t feel fair.” Of course, Gaidin had been placing themselves between their Aes Sedai and external threats since centuries before there had ever been Asha’man; it stood to reason that they were used to it. And of course there was a reason why the Warders had become a tradition in the first place; even a channeller couldn’t always protect themselves with the Power. But that didn’t make Jaren feel any less weird about the dynamic. He smiled faintly. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to imply that Gaidin are not needed. I just, I guess it’s a complex relationship, a partnership, between a channeller and a Warder and you’d need to know each other well for it to work, and right now I can’t imagine being that close to someone.”

[Cat]

Johan

Johan didn’t know why he had asked the question. Well, that was a lie. He knew why he had asked the question, because he wanted to find out if there really were those who could treat someone else as if they were just a tool to be used, but he didn’t know why it should matter to him. He had no plan on becoming a Warder, on being bonded, but… but still… He wasn’t sure if he wanted to be around people who could so readily accept the level of sacrifice expected from Gaidin without even a hint of guilt. That thought was, in some ways, worse than the realisation that he had been able to sacrifice everything. He had had no choice in that, but an Aes Sedai and Asha’man certainly did when it came to what they demanded.

He glanced at Jaren, almost not daring to breathe, worried about what he would hear, and he couldn’t help the slight breath of relief that apparently there was at least one channeler who seemed to care about the people who had chosen to protect them. He remembered the Green he had seen being trailed by her three Warders, and wondered if she felt the same. Maybe he couldn’t expect the same for everyone, but at least it was a bit more bearable knowing that there was at least one channeler who seemed to care.

And now he had to think of a way to respond and explain why he had asked. He pushed a hand through his hair, more for something to do than anything else.

“They,” he said, the words spoken before the test going through his mind, “say we have to be able to put our charge’s needs and wants before our own. “Our pain,” and his lips twisted, “”comes before theirs. Our life comes before theirs.” It almost feels like being owned, and I’m not… I’m not really sure that I want that. I’m not sure I could be around someone who’d be fine with that.” He looked at Jaren again, and gave a small, awkward smile. “I’m sorry to have asked. I was just… curious.”

[Elan]

Jaren

“No worries at all,” Jaren said, returning the smile. He hadn’t missed the way something in the younger man’s demeanour had seemed to relax ever so slightly at his answer, though there was still — bitterness, resentment, hurt, something — in Johan’s voice as he spoke. The Warder’s creed was a harsh one, and Jaren wondered what made people want to choose that path. Did each Warder — each Gaidin who agreed to be bonded — love their bondmate, on some level if not romantically, so much that they would want lay down their life in their defence? Were there Warders for whom it was simply a matter of duty and honour? He couldn’t imagine it.

“I’m far from an expert on Warder things,” Jaren continued, trying to choose his words carefully, “but from what I’ve been taught, a Gaidin, or anyone for that matter, has to consent to the bond, and once they’re bonded, they still have the right to request being released. Bonding someone against their will is a crime, and…” He grimaced slightly; he didn’t remember the other part so well, he must have been distracted during the class. “And I believe that it’s severely frowned upon to forcibly keep a Warder who wants to be released. So it’s definitely not ownership… But I suppose you’re right in that tradition considers the channeller the more 'important' party in that relationship.”

He shook his head and gave a mildly self-deprecating smile. “I’m not making any of this sound any better, am I?” he said, a little ruefully. His sense of justice railed against the very idea of being considered more important than another human being, his life’s worth in any way superior to someone else’s, someone like Johan’s, but the Warder tradition was millennia old and any changes would likely take longer than even a channeller’s lifetime.

[Cat]

Johan

It wasn’t the thought of being bonded against his will that bothered Johan, because there was no way that he’d ever let anyone, but more the thought of what came after the bond. How well would you have to know the channeler before you committed? And, even then, would you know them enough? It was funny how quickly some people could change once they had gotten what they wanted. You could think you were walking into one thing, but discover something entirely different. It was also the channeler who had complete control over the bond. They were the only one who could break it. Yes, it might be frowned upon to not release a Warder who wanted to be, but it was ultimately down to them. If they chose not to? Tough luck for the Warder.

Beyond that, he still didn’t want to believe that he was being encouraged to think it was fine, more than fine, his duty to put an Aes Sedai or Asha’man’s life before his own. Maybe that was what was bothering him more than anything else; not that some channeler would be happy for him to do that, but that his teachers were telling him that that was how he should view things. Not just him, but every student.

He reached for his shirt, cold now, and shrugged it onto his shoulders, before he looked again at the Soldier. “Maybe I should quit the whole Ji’val thing and think about learning to channel instead.” He grinned a little. “And then I can remain the most important one in my life. I think that could probably work. So.” He raised his eyebrows, leaning forward ever so slightly, asking the question more because he didn’t want to think about Warders anymore. “How did you learn? I mean, how did you find out you could channel?”

[Elan]

Jaren

The shift in subject was probably a good thing, Jaren reflected; he should have left any deeper exploration of the Warder matter to someone more qualified, anyway. Johan’s question made him wish he had a more interesting story to relate, about how he’d come to study in the Grey Tower, but as it was, a boring one would have to do.

Jaren gave a lopsided shrug. “It’s not an interesting story, I’m afraid,” he said. “I just came here and asked to be tested for the ability.” He hesitated for a moment before continuing. “I guess I had reason to believe there could be a chance I could learn… My sister had the spark — that’s what it’s called when they start channelling without any training — she started channelling when she was seventeen. An Aes Sedai took her to the White Tower, to learn to control it.” Over the years, Erin had sent maybe a handful of letters; she had evidently taken to that particular Tower like fish to water and not looked back.

Looking up to the sky, Jaren chuckled, a little wryly. “I suppose she may be Aes Sedai by now, for all I know. Anyway, yeah. I just wanted to find out if I could learn as well, and here I am.”

He looked back at Johan. The natural thing, from a conversation point of view, would be to ask Johan in turn how he had landed in the Grey Tower… but something made him hesitate. Instead he said, “If you haven’t been tested yet, and if you really wanted to find out, I’m sure one of the Asha’man would be happy to do that.”

[Cat]

Johan

As Johan listened to Jaren speak, the thing he most wanted to ask was why. It was one thing to be born with the spark – you had no choice, then -, but why would anyone want to learn how to channel? He had heard that wielding saidin was like trying to wrestle with a raging torrent. Not a particularly appealing thought, at least not to him, but then he had always struggled with the idea of anyone coming to the Tower willingly, whether to channel or train as a Gaidin. It had been a means to an end for him; a sacrifice in order to hopefully make life better for his family. At home, whilst Aes Sedai and Asha’man were always welcome, they were always to be avoided.

And now he was surrounded by hundreds of them.

He glanced at the Tower before looking back at Jaren, and just shook his head. “I don’t think I really want to know,” he said. “I’m not sure I’d really want to channel. If I’m honest, I didn’t really want to come here in the first place, and, besides,” he smiled again, because it was always better to make light of things, “I don’t think I could go back to being a first rank and scrubbing all those floors. I’m lucky I didn’t even have to do it for a year. If your roommate’s been learning to channel for at least three…” Johan shuddered. “Knowing my luck, I’d be here for decades.”

[Elan]

Jaren

Jaren chuckled and tipped an imaginary hat at the comment about the chores heaped upon the first ranks to keep them busy. “Fair enough,” he said. “I won’t look back with any particular fondness once I’m done with it, either. If I never saw the inside of a laundry room again, that would make me happy.” He more than suspected that the delay in his roommate getting raised was because of the kid’s poor attitude, not ability, but in the end it came down to the same thing.

“But I admit I’m curious now,” he went on, figuring that the topic had to be safe enough since Johan himself had brought it up. “How did you end up here if you didn’t want to come?” Johan wasn’t a channeller, and didn’t want to be one as he’d made very clear; Jaren couldn’t imagine the Tower Gaidin going around abducting recruits. “Unless you’d rather not talk about it,” he added quickly. “In which case, forget I asked.”

[Cat]

Johan

Johan shrugged his shoulders, his gaze back on the Tower. He’d never been particularly keen on talking about where he was from, afraid that people would judge him, but sometimes it was better to go with the truth. Lies could swiftly get out of hand, and he couldn’t think of anything believable anyway. He didn’t exactly sound like he had just walked out of some palace. He sounded like he had been born and brought up in the streets of the Rahad, which he had.

“No, no,” he said quickly, shaking his head and turning his attention back to Jaren, and making sure to grin. “It wasn’t like I was brought here in chains. I just… I… An Aes Sedai and her Warder caught me fighting.” He didn’t mention that he’d just killed someone. There’d been a duel, he’d won, but they’d tried to stab him in the back the moment he’d turn away. “They thought I showed potential and suggested I should come here. I didn’t want to, but...” Again he shrugged his shoulders. “They said they’d help provide for my brothers and sisters if I did.

“I’m from the Rahad,” he added, as if that would explain everything. “You don’t ignore those types of offers.”

[Elan]

Jaren

It did, in fact, explain a fair bit. Johan might not have been dragged to the Tower in chains but there were choices that, if you looked closely enough, were not really choices at all. “Yeah, I suppose you don’t,” Jaren replied. His knowledge of life in the Rahad was second- or probably more like third-hand at best, but he’d seen glimpses of the place and he had a good imagination.

It was also something of a reminder of perspective; Jaren had come to the Grey Tower to avoid a duty marriage and because he was bored and wanted something more out of life than working for a family business that he wouldn’t even inherit because he wasn’t the firstborn. He’d hardly looked back, he certainly didn’t have to worry about the wellbeing of his family and he didn’t even particularly miss them. Johan, however, had come out of duty to his family. A somewhat more noble reason than Jaren’s.

“Do you plan to return to your family once you’ve completed your training?” Jaren asked. “Do you have a way to keep in touch with them?” He chuckled, a little wryly. “I’ve received two letters from my brother since I failed to return home on my father’s orders, and the message was largely that I’ve been disowned and I shouldn’t bother writing back unless I was going to return and fall back in line.” He had no regrets, at least not yet; he supposed that might still change.

[Cat]

Johan

He arched an eyebrow as he looked back at Jaren. It seemed that the ‘not very interesting story’ was a little more interesting than Jaren had described, if only for the fact that apparently the man’s father had been against him coming to Tower to the point of disowning him. That wasn’t exactly something you just ignored, and Johan couldn’t help but look a little harder at the other man, trying to figure out just how old he was. Jaren was clearly older than him, but he wasn’t sure by just how much. He supposed it was something that could be asked later.

And so “I hope so,” was all he said instead, idly pulling at a loose thread, again for wont of something to do. “That is the plan. Train here, gain enough skill, find myself decent work with said skill, and move somewhere nicer.” And then he shrugged his shoulders, feeling suddenly awkward. He couldn’t quite meet Jaren’s eyes. It always came up, but it never got any easier to explain. He was sure that because of it people assumed that he was stupid; he most certainly did. How could you not? Most people at the Tower already knew how to, and he felt like a child in comparison.

“I…” He stopped and then started again. “Letters aren’t really possible. I don’t know how to… Well, I do, but not well. I only started learning here, but they... They… My brothers and sisters… They can’t read either. It’d be useless sending letters.”