A Crisis of Conviction [Attn: Illyria]

[Bridget]

Rhykana Meran

Rhykana moved in a haze through the halls of the Indigo Ajah, exhaustion eating at her awareness. It felt as if the siege had just ended, as if she had spent just yesterday attempting to Heal mangled bodies, trying not to sob as she failed. For Halliene and Lydarian, it was as if the Seanchan attack had never happened- their instruction had continued, at the same relentless pace as before. She did not have a spare moment to think, not when there was an ever-growing list of ter’angreal to make, subjects to study, patients to Heal. Not when the price for failure was an increase in tasks, a slow eating away of time to sleep, to eat, to be alone with her thoughts.

It was as it had been for years. Years of arduous work, an endless array of tasks that put her dedication to the test. It had been simple, then; a price Rhykana was willing to pay to become an Aes Sedai, free of the Oaths, free to wreck her revenge on Derin and his ilk. But now the Oaths were gone, Black Ajah or no. Everything she had done since that day Lydarian had found her in the infirmary, every challenge she had forced herself through since Lydarian had turned her to the Black Ajah, was for nothing.

Rhykana knew what she had become in Lydarian’s crucible. She could not shield her eyes from that truth; she was a child of the Black Ajah. She hungered, even now, to pull power from Lydarian’s grasp, to make the Yellow pay for her casual possession. She had remade herself to fit Lydarian’s mold, just as she had done so for Derin, decades ago. It would be only fitting for the woman to suffer at the weapons of her own making.

She halted, graceful and unhurried, in front of Illyria’s door, and knocked without hesitation. It was time to take action, to give herself the space to think that Lydarian and Halliene would not allow. She had thought that she had the strength and perseverance to wait until she was Aes Sedai, to wait until she was a fully-fledged member of the Black Ajah. But Rhykana could not stomach another day scraping and curtsying to the women that she despised.

None of the confusion and wrath trickled past her mask of Aes Sedai calm as Illyria’s door swung open. Rhykana dipped into a curtsy, giving the Indigo sister every bit of the respect that she has resented as a novice. “Illyria Sedai,” Rhykana spoke, quiet, demure, and apologetic. “Do you have a spare moment?” She straightened, turning her face up for Illyria’s inspection. The woman had once been Mistress of Novices. She would see the exhaustion and pain lining Rhykana’s face; she would see the hazy nature of Rhykana’s gaze. There would be no need to level accusations, no need to speak Halliene’s name. She would see.

[Stasia]

Illyria Malkom

Illyria recognized a kindred soul in the hollow, exhausted face of Rhykana Meran.

She remembered decades ago when she too had idled as an aspiring Aes Sedai, caught in a seemingly endless life of classes, teaching, and private studies. Halliene Sedai had ignored her, as she had not been particularly gifted with ter'angreal, but she would not ignore Rhykana: it was perfectly clear that the young woman was receiving plenty of due attention for her Talent. Illyria had not seen the child since she had become an Accepted, and then overcome her temper: she had slapped another girl while in her whites, but Illyria had given her a banded hem once she had learned control. Her lack of a shawl seemed to suggest that Mirin did not think that she had learned enough.

Rhykana looked up from her curtsy - her gaze was piercing for an Accepted, but her voice was soft with compliance and respect: "Illyria Sedai, do you have a moment?" She dropped her skirts and returned from her stooping curtsy slowly, deliberately; already, the child was learning power games. I wonder, Illyria thought idly, If she believes that I am a fool. She was a grieving widow and had always been one of the softer, more matronly instructors - perhaps Rhykana sought shelter, here. Why doesn't she seek Mirin? If she had done something to put her out of favor with the Mistress of Novices, she should not have been running for coddling to another Aes Sedai. Illyria held the Accepted's gaze for a moment, with a blank, serene look - betraying nothing.

Finally, she consented - she nodded, and pushed back her door far enough to grant Rhykana entrance into her quarters. They were small, bare, and far too quiet without Emila's laughter or her husband's snoring, but they were hers. Her obsidian wedding band shone dully in the afternoon lighting, heavy and listless on her hand - heavier than the serpent swallowing its tail that resided beside it. Silently, she gestured to a chair, and began setting out the tea service. She's been setting out enough tea services that I'm sure she knows the task by heart, Illyria thought dryly as she channeled Fire and Water into a sea-folk porcelain tea-pot, And I've done it enough that I have no need for a servant.

She left the little parlor as her tea steeped, offering Rhykana a moment of silent reflection, and went to the small pantry in her cramped bedchambers: here she kept a few odds and ends that were not perishable, and dry, cripsy cookies were excellent when they were dipped in Amadician tea. Silas had always dipped his in Seanchan kaf. Illyria huffed softly, not quite laughing at the fond memory: kaf was awful stuff, but it had kept him on his feet for many more hours than the herbal tea that she favored would. Towards the back of the cabinet, there was still a little pot of the grounds...

"Rhykana?" she called softly, "Do you drink kaf? I have some left and I will not drink it myself." The child's reply was affirmative: Illyria wondered if Accepted were allowed to keep kaf in their private quarters, but Rhykana looked as though she had a need of it. She took the pot along with a cloth bundle filled with cookies, and strode back to where the child was waiting for her with cold and formal serenity. She settled into her chair with grace and ease, and set the gift and the cookies on the table between them with delicate hands.

"Now," she said softly, looking across their brewing tea with an unwavering gaze, grey eyes unrelenting and cold, yet hinting of a thaw, "What may I do for you, Rhykana?"

[Bridget]

Rhykana Meran

She did not let her expression change while Illyria considered her, her ageless face blank, but it was a near thing. Already, Rhykana was regretting coming to the Indigo in this way; she should have come after a little more sleep, and feigned her tiredness instead of showing it in truth. Her thoughts were slow, and Rhykana could not stifle her unease, no matter the fact that she had prepared for days for this meeting. If Illyria turned her away, then there was nothing to be done but find another Aes Sedai or Asha’man to approach, or simply weather Halliene’s ‘instruction’ as best she could.

Illyria nodded and opened the door a crack, just as Rhykana’s disappointment curdled her stomach. She nodded her thanks as she squeezed past, aware enough to know that this was not a wholehearted welcome on Illyria’s part. There was work to be done here, careful calculation and conversation, and Rhykana was not certain she was up to the task. “Thank you, Illyria Sedai,” she murmured, feigned contriteness and true fatigue coloring her tone. Rhykana took a seat at Illyria’s silent gesture, and twitched her skirts into place with more nervousness than she had anticipated feeling. It was quickly becoming clear that Illyria was a greater opponent than she had expected. If she had not been as tired as she was, perhaps she would have expected as much- after all, it was hardly wise to accept the judgments she had made when she was nothing more than a fool girl in whites.

She watched, hands still and folded in her lap, as Illyria began to prepare tea. It was a job that was rightfully hers, and Rhykana watched with unease. What did the Aes Sedai mean to treat her with such favor, when she had hardly opened her door enough for Rhykana to enter? It was not hard to keep her consternation from her face, not after seven years in the banded dress, but Rhykana was no closer to understanding the manipulations of Aes Sedai.

“Yes, Illyria Sedai.” Rhykana called, her voice as quiet as she could make it and still reach the other woman’s ear, when Illyria asked if she would take kaf. Again, such kindness for a mere Accepted. She did not know what to say, except… “Thank you.” She had had kaf only a handful of times, when she had pleased Halliene particularly well. When she had performed beyond expectations, despite obvious exhaustion. Rhykana could not help but find a parallel here; perhaps this was simply that Illyria recognized that a stimulant would be necessary to make it through this conversation.

Blood and ashes, she was tired.

Rhykana could do nothing but meet Illyira’s icy serenity with her own. It was lucky that the woman could not see Rhykana’s hands under the table, for they clutched at each other, the skin turning white with the strain. There was no direction but forward. “I’ve come to ask you about your research, Illyria Sedai.” She began, after a short pause. She had rehearsed this speech for two nights, but her confidence had evaporated at the Aes Sedai’s welcome. “I have found a great deal of fulfillment learning to craft ter’angreal, from mathematics to the natural sciences and how they relate to the One Power.” It was best not to mention Halliene Sedai; the woman was a formidable force in the Indigo Ajah, from what Rhykana could discern. It would not be wise to remind Illyria of the woman that she would perhaps anger by agreeing to Rhykana’s request.

She met Illyria’s eyes across the table, and then continued to speak as she reached forward to first pour Illyria’s tea and then her own kaf. “I find my interest growing outside the bounds of ter’angreal.” She told the Aes Sedai, her hands busy pouring cream and stirring sugar as she spoke. “How the One Power relates to itself and the outside world is perhaps the most theoretical part of making ter’angreal, and is often unnecessary beyond understanding mathematic constants and the selection of the most appropriate equation.” Rhykana had no real understanding of Illyria’s skill and knowledge of ter’angreal. Halliene had dismissed Illyria when Rhykana had inquired about other Aes Sedai of the Indigo, but that said little; Halliene dismissed the skills of most. It was better to err on the side of expecting more than less, for it would be a terrible miscalculation to speak down to an Aes Sedai.

Rhykana did not allow a natural pause in her words, for fear that Illyria would step in, and all of her hope would be lost in a single sentence. Instead she spoke, as rapidly as she dared, of her interest in Illyria’s research. She prattled at some length of her skill in physical sciences, and her desire to develop her skills and learn more of the workings of the One Power. She was not so crass to ask outright if Illyria would be willing to take her on as an apprentice of sorts, and instead switched from speaking of her academic interest to her applicable education and accomplishments. She continued without pause, her face and tone relaxing more and more as she touched on familiar ground. Rhykana told Illyria of her extensive study of mathematics, of her more ingenious applications of that knowledge to ter’angreal. She was not so tired to outright say that she would be more than willing to create ter’angreal on Illyria’s behalf, or even teach if the Aes Sedai so desired, but she did her best to hint at that fact while saying nothing of the sort.

“I would be very gratified if there could be a place for me to assist in your research.” Rhykana finished, finally reaching for her cup of kaf. It was a cold sip, but it was helpfully bracing. She met the Aes Sedai’s gaze over her cup, hopeful. Hopeful that the woman would think favorably of her interest, of the skills that she could offer. Hopeful that Illyria would recognize Halliene as the source of her exhaustion, that the Aes Sedai knew that her apprenticeship with the other Indigo had become nothing more than a farce. There was nothing to do but hope that she could use the power of another to escape the trap that she had so blindly let herself become entangled in.