The Art of Breathing [Attn: Jaryd Kosari Asha'man]

[Bella]

Her new roommate snored.

This wasn't like a delicate sound, either. The girl might as well have taken a saw out into the woods and gone full for it with the sounds coming out of her once she reached a point of deep slumber. The poor thing couldn't have been more than fifteen either, which made Andraste distinctly...uncomfortable. The girl's rough manners were difficult enough, but this was all too much.

In truth, Andra was hardly inclined to be generous to anyone. Why should she be happy with an arrangement such as this when she had already seen the life she chose, the life she wanted, ripped from her in a moment of violence.

Then, to be torn from following through with what she knew in her heart needed doing because of...what? Some strange affliction that would make her one of these women? But then, mayhap there would be a gift in that. She could do nothing for them in the moment of death, but maybe in the moments after... Well, it was a thought that festered.

For now, however, she simply could not sleep. Even if the girl was silent, she probably could not sleep. The room, its plain walls and uncomfortable bed, was so confining. The white dresses she was made to wear were no better, nor being told what to do every hour of her day. She had the taste of freedom upon her tongue still, and this... It was an insult.

Andra put a pillow over her head, trying to drown out the noise, but the memories chased her instead. Could she escape anything anywhere?

Slowly, those walls began to close in. Even when she squeezed her eyes shut against it all, she could feel them creeping steadily closer and knew that eventually they would subsume even her snoring roommate. The world would narrow to a point until that small circle of existence closed around her neck, and sucked dry whatever air was left in her.

She couldn't sleep here.

Pushing the pillow above her head, she opened her eyes and held her throat. It felt like it was closing and she struggled to not gasp against it. She swung her feet to the floor and got up, forgoing slippers and robe in her desperate rush. She looked but once at the ruddy, redheaded farmgirl slumbering in the other bed and moved to slip out the door.

Once outside, the air felt a little easier...but still too much. Andra darted a glance either way and, seeing no one, hurried down the hall. She ducked into alcoves twice to avoid wanderers in the hall, but was soon outside. The moon was full enough to guide her and the air just warm enough to not kill her, and somehow, she made her way to the gardens.

Here, she could breathe. She stopped beneath a giant, shading tree and looked up at the light peaking through. She took giant breaths, sucking as much air in as she could before she laid down between its massive roots. It was not comfortable, but there was comfort in the roots blocking her to either side and there, uncaring of the world around her, she began to drift off.

[Sunny]

Jaryd

Sleep never came easily to Jaryd, and after the Seanchan wreaked havoc on his life, achieving the sense of safety he required in order to rest became nearly impossible. Sometimes he found his solace indoors, but usually right around the time his eyes started to drift closed, the walls around him would begin to crash and crumble, crushing him beneath their weight. Then he would escape outdoors for a time, skulking along the walls of the grounds and garden, or even creeping over the rooftops of the city itself.

Sometimes he wondered what the good people of Hama Valon would think if they knew the wily night time visitor that occasionally exchanged their trinkets for gold marks or filled their empty cupboards with fresh food was their former M’Hael. The thought made him chuckle, and certainly did not discourage him from continuing.

One night after such a scavenge, The Asha’man sat atop the garden wall examining a necklace he had lifted from a merchant’s collection an hour before. The knuckle-sized green gem winked and sparkled in the moonlight, spinning beneath his fingers on a silver chain, but the sound of movement below pulled his attention away, and he snatched the necklace out of the air, shoving it in his pocket with nimble fingers. Then he looked down.

A dark-haired girl in a white shift moved through the Garden below with the guarded motions of someone afraid to be caught. The Red sat up a little straighter, watching her carefully. To his surprise, a few breaths later she paused beneath a large tree...then laid down beneath it. Jaryd watched the girl for some time, but she did not move. It seemed as if she had truly gone to sleep.

Curiosity got the better of him; the Altaran crept some ways off before he dropped off the wall, and made his way, silent step by silent step, back to the novice. He was not terribly surprised to see her eyes fly open as he approached; he held his hands palms out with fingers spread to show he meant no harm, then settled against a large root nearby.

“The Tower can get awfully heavy at night, can’t it?” He asked softly. “Throw in personal concerns, and it becomes unbearable.”

[Bella]

When she had woken to realize there was someone coming near her, Andraste felt her heart race and her breath grow shallow. For a moment, the world narrowed to just the point around the intruder. Anger and fear mixed in her in an instant, and she almost felt herself slip into that tidal pool they called Saidar. Like she had...

Andra listened to him as he spoke, seeing the way he held his hands. The gesture said he did not intend her harm, and he did not move too close, so she would trust him...for now. Her dark eyes were wary, glinting in the night's light.

"It can," she agreed slowly. "It is pretty heavy during the day as well, although one can distract one's self more easily." She paused, blinking and wondering why he had come here to sit and talk. Why wasn't he dragging her back into the Tower, or to the office of the Mistress of Novices? Who was he, anyways? "I couldn't breathe...in my room...tonight. I had to get out. Find air.

"I've spent the past few years sleeping outside more often than not. I like it here." She tilted her head, her gaze a touch less wary and now curious as she looked him over. She did not ask, but the question--and why are you out here--was obvious.

[Sunny]

On closer examination, the girl -woman, really- reminded Jaryd a little of Kaia, though he couldn’t have said exactly why. Perhaps it was the way in which she held herself, or the look in her eyes when she met his gaze. Oddly, thought of his lover did not bring the usual spike of grief; only a muted memory of a pleasant time passed that faded quickly as the Asha’man listened to the stranger speak. His eyes crinkled in a wry smile at the truth of the novice’s words. Heavy indeed. There were reasons upon reasons that the Red preferred to spend his time as far from the glass structure as possible. I couldn’t breathe… He fled the Tower for freedom and space; he had not expected to find someone who could so succinctly summarize why on its very doorstep.

“I am told I have perfectly acceptable bed indoors,” he commented, amusement tinging his voice. “To the perturbed despair of many, I don’t use it much, either.” The Altaran settled back on his bottom, legs crossed before him. “I grew up in a place where sleeping closed in could mean my death. Nothing I have seen since coming here has convinced me that lesson should be forgotten.” Four walls had surrounded him the day Kaia died, after all. That did bring pain, though he closed his eyes and forced it away.

When he opened them again, he said, “My name is Jaryd. I am an Asha’man, and I suppose that means I should take you to see Velanya.” His new companion stiffened, and he laughed softly. “I am not, and will not, do anything of the sort. You would simply sneak out again, and we would both lose the opportunity to make a friend. Sometimes it’s better to ignore the rules as written, don’t you think?”

The Red didn’t wait for a response. “I have told you a little about myself. It is only fair you tell me a little about you, mysterious lady in white.”

[Bella]

She still couldn't help but watch him with wariness. Why would he spare her a trip to the Mistress of Novices? He had no attachment to her, nor even knowledge... He was Asha'man. Was it not the place of all the full ranks to seek out wayward children and report them for their penance? Yet, he said he wasn't and was sitting before her...not rushing off.

He could always report her later, but for now, he was talking. He was interested in talking to her.

"My name is Andraste," she replied slowly. "Andraste Alhandra." She always introduced herself with her last name as well, because it was a small reminder of her husband but one that did not cause as much pain as others. "I have not been here very long, and I am still not used to it." Well, that was obvious, wasn't it? She rubbed her hands together slightly.

What else to tell? She hardly felt like divulging the painful catalyst to being here... "I'm from Kandor," she finally decided on, "though I traveled often before being here."

[Sunny]

The woman’s voice was hesitant, as well she might be. How often did an Asha’man appear out of nowhere in the middle of the night, after all? Jaryd’s lips twitched up. No, she had not been at the Tower long or they would have met before. Arad Doman did not quite count as a Borderland, but there was still a certain air about those from the north. Perhaps that was why she had a reminded him of Kaia.

He did not miss that all she had shared was name and origin; cautious indeed. “Not all those who wander are lost,” he said with a small smile. “I also traveled for some time before I found my way to the Tower, though my journey began in Ebou Dar. Kandor, as I recall it, was beautiful.” Silence fell for a moment, but then he peered at with inquisitive curiosity. “Everyone has a reason for leaving their home, whether willingly or otherwise,” he said. “What was yours?”

[Bella]

His question was interesting to her. The people she had met so far had always asked what brought her to the Tower, which she wasn't keen to answer. He, however, asked why she left home. That, on the other hand, was a little bit safer...except that it would have to lead to the things she was less pleased with speaking on.

How could she forever dance around it, though?

"I grew up in a merchant family," she said. "A good one. It was in the blood. However, most of the business went to my older brothers. I'm the youngest of the family." She paused thoughtfully, rolling her bottom lip under her teeth. "When I got married, we decided to continue being merchants but went on the road instead of remaining just in the country.

"We traveled much of the Westlands, although returned to Kandor more than a few times. It was home, after all, and we did not leave because it was unpleasant for us. We just had...wanderlust, I guess." She paused and smiled slightly. "It is beautiful," she added, agreeing with his comment. "I saw Ebou Dar, but not often. We tended to country villages."

[Sunny]

A merchant family. Did Alhandra do business with Laine and Ariasca? It seemed likely. Something else tickled in the back of his mind, a story Velanya shared in the Hall of a novice who had been a merchant. Jaryd couldn't remember the details; he had been only half-listening, his mind consumed with his own business as it so frequently was. He pushed the stray thought away. It might not have even been this woman the Aes Sedai spoke of, after all; there were many novices.

"Villages do appreciate the wandering merchant types," he said with a smile. "New things, new stories, new faces to talk about. In the southern lands especially, I am certain you were a marvel, and kept their firesides entertained for months after you departed." He picked up a stick, and began drawing in the dirt in front of him idly.

"I do not mean to pry," he said thoughtfully, "but if you are married, then you had to have left your husband behind when you came here. That....can't have been easy. How are you faring?"

[Bella]

Her dark eyes flashed in the moonlight and she swallowed hard. It was not a question she had avoided entirely, but it seemed like it was so much easier to control her reaction to it in the daylight. Now that it was night, more emotions rose unbidden and unwanted at the reminder, but she viciously fought them off in her own bloody internal battle.

"I...was married," she clarified carefully. The past tense tasted like ashes on her tongue as she spoke it.

Andra inhaled and exhaled slowly. "I was married for roughly seven years, working and traveling together, but he died. He was killed." She wiped at the corner of her eye, angry at the moisture there. "Their deaths were what led me to be here. I happened to channel, and was found by two Aes Sedai of this Tower who could not save them but saved me and brought me here."

She swallowed hard and thought of the question. "I'm...managing. It's not easy, but I'll do what I must."

[Sunny]

I was married.

Jaryd rocked backward, unprepared for what Andraste had shared. Her story echoed painfully in his own memory, stirring up images and events he had tried to put behind him. He found himself unable to speak, his usual reserve of words and wisdom failing in the face of the pain he had unknowingly bared.

One breath. Two. On the third breath he thought he was ready, and then found he still could not speak. “I am sorry for your loss,” he said finally, his voice uncharacteristically muted. Instinct informed him the Kandori woman would not appreciate an embrace, but he turned his hand palm upward and extended it toward her, inviting her to take comfort in touch if she desired. “I am sorry, too, that my curiosity brought you pain. I- I understand what it’s like to lose loved ones to senseless violence.”

The Altaran chewed on his lower lip, fully aware that what he wanted to say might be odd coming from a total stranger who had appeared out of nowhere to interrupt her sleep. “Grieving is….a very heavy burden,” he said. “Is there anything I can do to help you?”