Haunted Aftermath [Attn: Jaryd]

[Roan]

Tia Tomosan Sedai

The attack on Hama Valon had been thwarted. Those who’d been wounded were being tended to by Yellows who had been on patrol. Some of the wounded were taken back to the Tower Infirmary, but others were treated in the ‘field’, so to speak. Tia Tomosan and Lysira Gaidin parted ways long after the last attacker had been killed.

The Green Aes Sedai went to her quarters to clean up, and attempted to wind down and get some sleep. Her mind, though, would not give her any peace. Gav’s expression of terror when he realized he and his cohorts were to be executed haunted her. He hadn’t realized what his friends had gotten him into. Was he really an agent of the Shadow? Could he have been redeemed? What made Tia judge, jury and executioner?

Had she done the right thing? Thoughts swirled through her mind, and pushed any chance of sleep far away. Frustrated, Tia pushed herself from her bed and pulled on a clean pair of breeches, a loose blouse, and her boots before slipping out of her living quarters. She figured a walk might clear her head, and thus she walked without any apparent direction.

Before long, Tia realized she was approaching the wing of the Red Ajah, and a hand instinctively went up to the green pendant she wore. Part of her wasn’t surprised she found herself in front of Jaryd’s door. He’d become a confidant to her lately, and a cherished friend. She started to knock, but hesitated a moment, uncertain as to why.

News about what happened at the ball had reached her and everyone who’d been patrolling the city. The idea of a room full of people acting as if they were completely intoxicated sounded amusing in and of itself, but the cause behind it was disconcerting. Tia had few details, though she heard Lysira’s interpreter had been killed.

With a frown, the Aes Sedai finally gave a gentle knock to Jaryd’s door, and waited. She closed her eyes as she took in a deep breath, but saw Gav’s terrified face once more. Swearing under her breath, she looked off down the hallway. How long would his memory haunt her?

[Sunny]

Jaryd

Jaryd crouched in his open windowsill, balancing on the balls of his feet as he stared into the darkness outside. It could have been midday and his black eyes would have seen nothing; his thoughts were far away. The events of the day replayed in his mind again and again, the good and the bad combined. One moment he was drinking wine with Miahala. The next he was dancing. Then he was drunk, and spinning, spinning, lost in the feel of Jaren’s mouth against his, his hands shooting out to keep him from toppling entirely out the window at that heady memory.

Seira’s body. Her arm that had somehow been turned into a ter’angreal. Miahala had destroyed it, which had seemed like a good idea at the time, but the destruction had left him with very little to work with. He had joined a small circle of Yellows, lending his strength to their examination effort. Of course, all that had come from that was what he already knew: the Ji’val had died violently.

His efforts had kept him busy all evening, which was both a blessing and a curse as information from Vaidulo and Hama Valon streamed in. I could have died today. Would I have even understood why it was happening? Zeen had not so much as walked by to assure hid bondmate he was safe. That hurt more than Jaryd cared to think. And Tia...his contacts insisted she lived and yet the knot of worry he felt for his friend did not fade, and as time dragged on he had found no opportunity to slip away and check on her himself.

The Altaran turned and jumped back into his room with a sound of abject frustration. It was late; nothing new would be discovered that night. He He would- The tap of knuckles was so light he nearly missed it, but a moment later he had strode the few spans across the room and yanked the door open. He expected a messenger with more work; what he saw was a woman in breeches and blouse, her hair in disarray about her shoulders, partially obscuring the pendant she wore.

“Tia!” Jaryd drew her into his chambers with gentle hands as he spoke. He spared half a thought to kick the door shut before turning his full attention to the Saldaean, noting the tension in her shoulders and face, the lines of distress that crinkled about her green eyes. He put his arms around her, pulling her against his chest in much the same way he had on a certain day in Hama Valon some time before.

“What happened?” The words were simple, but his concern was sincere.

[Roan]

Tia Tomosan

Tia melted into the Red’s embrace, and found herself taking slow, deep breaths, breathing in his scent mixed with the heady scents of the incense she associated with him. The tension she carried in her neck and shoulders started to melt away, but not Gav’s face. When Jaryd asked what happened, it took her a few moments to find her voice.

“You know the city was attacked?” she asked. Once he answered, she continued, “Lysira Gaidin and I were together when. . .she must have heard something and pulled me against a wall. Not a second later, three arrows hit the ground where we were standing, and chaos unfolded around us.

“We found ourselves in an ally, and the attackers were trying to surround us. I...I didn’t even think about it when I used my abilities against those on the ground and warded us against those on the roof. Once the immediate threat was dealt with, I helped Lysget to the roof, and followed her,” Tia explained.

The Aes Sedai found herself untangling her arms from Jaryd and walked towards the window. She looked out over the Tower grounds as she considered her next words. “I was able to subdue the three attackers on the roof, and we questioned them. They didn’t know much or say much.”

Her shoulders slumped, “I...I killed them. One of them was just barely old enough to be called a man, and he looked terrified. I. . .I don’t think he knew what his friends roped him into, but I sent him back to the Pattern with his mates. I. . .I knew we could leave them there and collect them later to stand trial, where they’d likely be executed. Though I also knew we ran the risk of them potentially escaping. I executed them.” She trailed off, her voice barely above a whisper. Bile threatened to come up, and she swallowed hard to keep herself from wretching yet again.

[Sunny]

Jaryd

Jaryd followed Tia to the window, listening quietly as the words poured from her mouth. At first he did not entirely understand, but as she continued, comprehension dawned. Creator, the Altaran thought, watching the expressions on his friend’s face shift and change, Her actions will eat her alive. He had been thirteen the first time he killed a human being. It had been self defense, but even knowing that the nightmares had plagued him for months. How much worse would it have been had he made that choice in cold blood?

Jaryd touched Tia’s shoulder reassuringly, his fingers trailing down her arm until he could take her hand. He lifted it between them and began to massage her fingers, looking up to meet her gaze steadily as he worked. It seemed more important to address her own nature than it did to speak of the exact events just yet, so that was where he began. “These fingers belong to a woman who brought warmth and beauty back to me when I thought life held nothing save pain,” he said quietly, “and for that I am eternally grateful. They belong to a woman who is kind, gentle, and loving, who would lay down her life in the defense of those she loves. That woman is a good woman. You are a good woman.”

He reached up, tucking a stray lock of hair behind the Saldaean’s ear, then let his palm rest against her cheek. “We are cursed to be leaders, you and I, and leaders have to make such difficult choices,” he told her gently. “Sometimes there is no right decision, but still we must choose, and make our peace with the Creator as best we can afterward. It doesn’t seem quite right for anyone to have such power, does it? And yet...here we stand.”

[Roan]

Tia Tomosan

The Aes Sedai found she could not take her eyes off of Jaryd’s as he spoke in soft, reassuring tones. His gentle and reassuring touch helped ease some of the tension from her shoulders, and she nuzzled her cheek into the palm of his hand. A long, deep sigh escaped her lips as she closed her eyes, but only for a moment. The man before her was not just a member of the Red, but Head of the Ajah, and had been making such decisions for many more years than Tia could fathom. In her heart, she knew he was right, but the burden of guilt she bore remained.

Tia offered a weak smile as she reached up and took his hand in hers, “I am not sure I see myself as a leader, not yet, but I understand what you are saying. I think. . .had it not been for the boy, Gav, the burden I carry might not feel quite so heavy, though perhaps I am fooling myself.

“I could have let Lysira Gaidin handle it, but I chose to execute them by my own hand. It seemed,” she paused, as if searching for words, “It seemed wrong to let someone else carry out a sentence I delivered. . .as if I were shirking responsibility.” She closed her eyes again, but only for a moment before looking away and shaking her head slowly, “His face haunts me when I close my eyes in the same manner the girl did. . .the one Aluana had me strike down.

“I can’t help but wonder. . .does it get any easier?” she asked. And what if it did get easier, she wondered. What would that say about her as a person?

[Sunny]

Jaryd

When Jayd spoke again, his tone was musing and the words he chose were spoken as if quoting from memory. “Are you willing and able to stand as judge, jury, and executioner?” He asked, eyes distant. “Will you be able to live with yourself afterwards?" The Altaran shook his head, fingers tightening around Tia’s.

“It was the honorable choice,” he said, and this time he spoke directly to the woman in front of him. “You made a decision and you took responsibility for it; in so doing, you allowed Gav to remain human, rather than being relegated to a simple distraction. He would likely have been executed regardless- at least this way he retained some small scrap of honor.”

Jaryd sighed softly as his mind shifted to her question. He pressed their palms together, studying her hand intently. “After your second or third kill your hands will stop shaking and the nausea will cease,” he said, his voice low and gentle. “If you must fight and kill frequently, your mind will find ways to cope; the nightmares may stop entirely or they may get worse; it is hard to say. I am quite certain you will never find joy in the death of another human, however, and I think that’s what you really meant by ‘easy’, isn’t it?”

[Roan]

Tia Tomosan

Tia looked to their hands, though she wasn’t really ‘seeing’ her hand on top of his, but looking past it as she listened to Jaryd’s answer. The moment she caught Gav with the others, he was a dead man walking, and what the Asha’man said made sense. . .felt right, even. Gav and his friends would not have given her or Lysira any quarter had their roles been reversed, and that one tidbit of information was worth its weight in gold.

...you will never find joy in the death of another human, however, and I think that’s what you really mean by ‘easy’, isn’t it?

Jaryd’s question resonated within the depths of Tia’s mind, though she didn’t answer, at least not right away. She realized the direction of the conversation she was having with Jaryd, and considered the path she’d walked thus far in her short life. She was a Green Aes Sedai who vowed to fight the Shadow wherever it might be found while waiting for Tarmon Gai’don.

Tia was a Sha’hal by blood, and knew of her Great Great Grandmother’s legacy. She’d grown up hearing many of Miahala’s stories, never mind those of her mother. While Riahana might be the Warder to a Yellow Asha’man, it didn’t mean she was immune from drawing blood or ending another human’s life. Neither Ria nor Mia talked about such things, as the stories rarely went into detail.

When Tia so desperately wanted to follow in her mother’s footsteps, she didn’t fully appreciate what that meant. When she then followed in Mia’s footsteps, she hadn’t given much thought to the idea of killing anyone. . .at least anyone human. Trollocs, Myrddraal, Draghkar or other beasts of the Shadow? Sure, but the idea of killing humans hadn’t crossed her mind.

It was easier to think of killing beasts than humans, yet there were humans who served the Shadow just as she served the Tower and the Light. Now a fully raised Aes Sedai, Tia found herself struggling with her actions earlier that night, but at the same time realized it likely would not be the last time she’d have to kill by her choice.

Realizing the silence had stretched out between her and Jaryd, Tia looked up to meet his dark gaze. She felt so small in that moment, and vulnerable. “I don’t know what I mean, Jaryd,” she finally admitted. After another moment or two she forced a wry smile, “It is likely good I did not decide to join your Ajah if tonight has given me such doubt, eh?” It was an attempt to lighten the mood, and deflect focus from her, at least for the moment.

[Sunny]

Jaryd

The Green’s attempt to deflect conversation did not escape Jaryd’s attention. He peered at her, eyebrows slightly lifted, then tugged gently on her hands. “Come sit with me,” he said softly, his feet already turning toward the divan. Fine flows of Fire swept through the air before them as he moved; by the time he sat, the temperature had increased just enough to be noticeable- and hopefully to smooth the edge from Tia’s unhappiness.

As he settled the Red pulled his friend down after him, one arm looping around her shoulders. “If I take a life, I record what happened in my journal as soon as possible after,” he said in a musing tone, his gaze straying to the shelves above his desk where those leather-bound volumes were kept. “I include the person’s name if I have it. What they look like, what I know of their life How they died and why. The records are useful for many reasons, but I find the simple black and white reminder that even the worst of us are human to be the most poignant."

The Altaran turned his dark eyes back to the Saldaean. “I have wondered sometimes what your life might be like, had you chosen a different path,” he told her. “I don’t think you would have been such a misfit in my Ajah as you think.” Jaryd smiled slightly, his fingers lacing with Tia’s once more. “I am proud of you,” he said quietly. “You put the Tower’s safety over your own peace of mind, and that is more than I can claim to have done in similar circumstance.”

[Roan]

Tia Tomosan

Tia listened, and followed Jaryd’s gaze as he looked to the shelves above his desk. She’d noticed the bound volumes before, but never asked of them. To learn they were a diary, of a sort, to the Red surprised her, though perhaps it shouldn’t given how prone to introspection Jaryd could be. Perhaps writing down the details of what happened would help her work through the emotions that seemed to weigh her down. . .give her a new or different perspective.

She held his gaze when he looked back to her, but looked down when he said he was proud of her. She studied how his fingers intertwined with her intently as she felt heat on her cheeks. He’d been proud of her?

The Aes Sedai almost did a double take, though, when she realized what else he’d said. Snapping her gaze back to his, with an arched brow making her look very much like her mother in that moment, she asked, “What do you mean it is more than you can claim?” Her tone matched her expression, both suggesting confusion. Jaryd seemed so sure of himself since the two of them had become close. She knew he’d traveled a rough road after losing Kaia, but Tia felt as if she’d only ever seen a man so confident in who he was and decisions he made.

[Sunny]

Jaryd

Jaryd stiffened before he could stop himself, his face visibly flushing in the lamp light. The incident he had been thinking of...the one he always thought of when Tia showed signs of distress...was the Seanchan invasion. There were many other ways to answer the Aes Sedai’s question, of course, but the Green would hear the untruth on his tongue if he did. That would only make it worse.

“I-” he started, then realized he had no idea how to continue. He swallowed, took a breath, and started over. “I abandoned my duty, the Tower, and Hama Valon when I learned that the Seanchan had captured you and Zeen,” he said unsteadily, not quite daring to meet Tia’s eyes. “I felt personally responsible for your safety for reasons I cannot share, and thus I came after you myself. I didn’t even tell anyone I was leaving; who knows how long it took the Tower to find Miahala or Riahana in my absence? It was not the appropriate choice for the M'Hael to make, and yet I cannot imagine making any other.”

He sighed softly, his fingers tightening a little. It occurred to him, perhaps more slowly than it should have, that his encounter with Jaren might fall into the same category of decision. “There is much to talk about, but given the day you have had and the subject I just brought up, I want to be sure you are well before I go off on any further tangents. Can I get you anything to help you relax?”