The First Crack (fic)

[Adanys]

Novice Mandira Cantlin...and Janelle Sedai Mandi tried not to pout about her upcoming lesson, but given that she already knew it was going to be fruitless, it was proving difficult not to have a sour expression. Over the past few weeks she'd learned just how creative people at the Grey Tower could be when trying to crack a puzzle that no one seemed able to solve. They'd forced her through hours of probing and talking about what she'd been through, but all that ever did was leave her upset and in tears. Every single time. She hoped they'd soon tire of that route, but it kept coming up. She was weary of talking about her parents, tired of dragging up the pain again and again.

They'd even let her into the infirmary a few times, but under very close supervision. That hadn't helped of course, because tending minor cuts and bruises just wasn't enough to make her feel desperate to help. And no matter what she did, she couldn't fake it. It hadn't taken them much probing to learn that she needed a life or death situation to channel, but they weren't ready to let her near a dying patient.

Today, Janelle Sedai of the Green Ajah was going to give her a lesson while Mandi painted. The Aes Sedai thought maybe if the novice could relax and do something she enjoyed, she might let her guard down. Maybe something would slip, all she needed was a crack.

Mandi didn't question why they were having their lesson in a dimly lit room in the sublevels of the Tower, in fact, she didn't even find it that odd. After all, they were trying to break her block. If her teachers gave a normal lesson she'd likely faint in surprise. As she reached the dusty room, Janelle Sedai instructed her to set herself up and start painting. Mandi did so, taking a moment to consider her colors. She splashed some grey, black, brown, and a deep purple onto her palette, along with a small squirt of white in case she wanted to lighten up any of the colors.

"What are you going to paint, child?" the Aes Sedai asked in a light tone, watching the novice place the colors on her palette. A very dark selection. Maybe the ambiance of the dark room had something to do with it, maybe it was something more. She also noticed the girl hadn't brought any paintbrushes. Did she merely forget? She stored this information away while she prepared a few weaves around the room. It was a good thing the girl couldn't see what she was preparing for her.

"I'm not sure yet, I never really know until I start. The picture just kind of...happens." Mandi did what she always did before starting a painting, she cleared her mind. She didn't like to think about what she was painting or how she was going to do it. She just painted. Sometimes there was no clear image on the canvas, but she knew she always painted her emotions. Now she dipped one finger in the grey and another in the purple, then swiped them across the bottom of the canvas, blending them together. She painted a few strokes in silence, losing herself in the rhythm.

Janelle watched in fascination as the girl began painting with her fingers, seeing the girl relax and lose awareness of her surroundings. Perfect, just what she wanted. She took a few more seconds to set her weaves into place, and one to protect her young student..she wasn't trying to hurt the girl after all. Suddenly, a chair in the room burst into flames and flew at Mandi with the roaring of a great beast.

Mandi screamed and raised her hands in front of her, palette and all, as something bright, loud, and fiery suddenly came flying at her. Her feet remained frozen in place and her heart leapt into her throat, sure she was about to be incinerated. But as suddenly as it had come, it was gone. Now there was only a chair on the floor in front of her, no scorch marks anywhere to be seen. Panting, she turned to her teacher and opened her mouth to ask what had just happened. But she stopped short when she saw a puzzled look on the woman's face...like this hadn't been what she'd expected. Mandi's eyes went wide.

Before the girl could cry out in outrage at the assault, Janelle spoke. "Are you alright, child?" At the girl's nod, she quickly continued. "Not to worry, I had a shield around you, you wouldn't have been hurt. I know that was a bit unorthodox, but I thought maybe a moment of fright would do something for you, help you touch the Source, but it appears that wasn't the case. Hmm.." she thought a moment. "I guess you either weren't frightened enough, or...you only care enough when another’s life hangs in the balance... She didn't voice that last out loud. The truth was, she was worried about the girl, more so now.

"Keep painting dear," she gestured toward the easel. Many had tried to help the girl, but until she was willing to accept it, Janelle feared they’d never be able to do anything for her, and the girl’s bitterness would deepen. She watched the novice paint a dizzying swirl of colors that seemed to flow into the center of the canvas. “What are you thinking, child? While you paint?”

“I don’t, Aes Sedai. That’s really the only way I can paint. Just clear my thoughts and let my hands and heart do the work. It’s...it’s always seemed to be a visual image of what I’m feeling, or it’s something I saw that day that stuck with me.” She’d painted quickly and with broad strokes, her picture finishing quickly. She stepped back and stared at it.

Janelle nodded softly at the girl’s words and the image she’d painted: a swirl of colors flowing towards the center, a black empty center. Towards nothingness. With a gentle kindness, she spoke. “You know what I see on that canvas, Mandira? I see you. A mix and swirl of colors and feelings falling into emptiness. You have so much going on inside you, but you won’t let anyone or any light inside, so instead it just falls into a void. And it will never stop until you close that gaping hole.” She touched the girl’s cheek. “Don’t let that gaping emptiness swallow you whole.”

Mandi’s heart twisted at the Aes Sedai’s words and the genuine caring she saw on the woman’s face. A part of her wanted to throw herself on the woman’s shoulders and sob until she washed the hurt away. But she merely nodded meekly, not daring to open the door to her heart. The Aes Sedai laid a hand on Mandi’s cheek, then left her alone in the dimly lit room.

Janelle Sedai's words echoed in Mandi's head, over and over and over. Don't let that gaping emptiness swallow you whole. The breaking of her heart was nearly audible, she was sure of it. Crumpling to her knees, Mandi wept. She wept for the pain she still carried, she wept at the ache of not having a mother's touch or a father's strong shoulder to lean on. But mostly she wept for the empty shell of a woman she had let herself become.