When the learning doesn't come [attn. Alianora]

[Adanys]

Mandira It was true Mandi had always been so absorbed in her own hurts that she didn't take time to notice others hurt too, even if she couldn't admit it. But she was not so far gone that Amaranie's struggles before her now went unnoticed. She had no idea what to do or say, but she did notice. And she was surprised at her desire to comfort the other woman, or at least be someone to talk to. She hadn't had a real friend in years, and always thought she didn't have a need for one.

Before she could dwell farther on it, Amaranie spoke again. Which each word the Accepted spoke, Mandi felt her heart clench tighter and tighter, until she thought it might burst. I can't do this! I can't! It hurts too much! She knew Amaranie was right, that all her pain would burst from its shallow grave at a moment when she wasn't ready if she didn't deal with it, but right now, right here, she just couldn't bring herself to do it.

With a deep breath that seemed to go all the way to her toes, Mandi managed to keep her eyes dry and her voice steady. "I know," she whispered. "But I'm not ready to bring it out now, not here. I just...can't." In spite of the kindness Amaranie was showing her by listening and offering advice, Mandi knew she didn't trust her, or herself for that matter, enough to let herself completely unravel. She just couldn't, not after guarding herself for so long.

She spotted tears on the woman sitting across from her. Glad for the opportunity to take her mind from herself, she asked in a soft voice, "Are you alright, Accepted Amaranie?"

[Alianora]

Accepted Amaranie

Looking down and blinking, eyes focused on her own white skirt, Amaranie finally forced the tears to stop. Unfortunately, it seemed that she had not managed it fast enough to escape Mandi's notice. Her pale skin was blotched with red when she reluctantly raised her head to look at the other girl. Her eyes met Mandi's, but Amaranie didn't know what to say. She thought Mandi meant well, and even felt an odd sort of empathy with the novice. Still, she didn't want to answer, not with the truth, and the hard memories this discussion had brought back to her.

Amaranie shrugged. "I will be fine," she said dismissively. "This conversation....it's just reminded me of....some events I'd rather not dwell on, that's all." She sounded much calmer than she felt, and her eyes left Mandi's to roam around the library. She shifted in her seat, unhappily thinking that everything she'd just said to Mandi applied to herself as well, and her own hidden pain. She shook her head and sighed, knowing she was no more capable of confronting her past than Mandi was, not now, here in the middle of the library. And when will you be ready? she asked herself. She didn't know the answer, only that now was not the right time.

She turned her head back towards Mandi, looking directly at her and saying softly, "You're not the only one who can't speak of her past." The words were accompanied by a small smile, though it quickly disappeared.

[Adanys]

Mandira Mandi was surprised to feel her heart go out to Amaranie, surprised to feel herself wanting to help or comfort. But just as she'd shut herself off, Mandi could tell the Accepted was doing the same thing. Her dismissive answer told Mandi prying and pushing the matter further would be useless and unwanted.

Besides, it's not like you have any right to ask more questions, considering how soundly you always shut people out. Mandi scowled inwardly and shoved the voice aside. Her focus was pulled back to the room when when Amaranie looked at her and spoke softly. "You're not the only one who can't speak of her past."

Mandi let the words hang between them for a few moments. She let herself just take a moment to consider that Amaranie had a past of her own, that she herself wasn't the only one with troubles in her past. The reminder stung. Not because she wanted to believe that her hurts were more important or that she held a monopoly on emotional trauma. No, it stung because she'd let herself come to a place where she had let herself believe that. She'd let herself think that no one would ever understand because no one had hurt like she had. The stinging was replaced with overwhelming shame.

She returned Amaranie's smile, doing her best not to whither as the mortification roiled within her. "I understand. I...Thank you for listening to me, even if I'm not a very good conversationalist. And if.." she hesitated, suddenly feeling awkward. Taking a breath, she continued. "And if you ever want to talk, I'd be willing to listen. I can't promise I'd be much help if you needed advice, but I can listen."

[Alianora]

Accepted Amaranie

Mandi's offer surprised Amaranie, who looked nervously away at the book in her lap. Rarely had anyone reached out to her that way, and she wasn't sure how to respond. She thought about it for a while, knowing that the novice meant well, looking back at her only when she thought she could manage to speak.

"I'm not very good at talking either," she admitted. To an extent, it had always been true, and Amaranie knew that the demands on her time as an Accepted had made her even more withdrawn from others. "But...I'm glad I could help you, and I don't mind listening to you again, if you ever need it." Her light eyes met Mandi's, contemplating what Mandi had said about listening to her. She couldn't face that today, nor did she think it would be soon, but Amaranie wondered if perhaps, in the future, she might be able to trust the other girl enough to speak of her past. She didn't know her nearly well enough yet, of course, but Amaranie thought it might just be a possibility someday.

The idea cheered her slightly, and the smile she gave Mandi was warmer than the previous one had been. Reluctantly, Amaranie rose, holding her book in her arms. "I have a lesson to attend shortly," she explained, " so I have to leave now. Light shine on you, Mandi." The Accepted turned and walked away, feeling more hopeful than she had in a very long time.

[Adanys]

Mandira Mandi returned the Accepted's smile with a small one of her own, small, but genuine. They might not have spent time gushing about boys or spilling their hearts or braiding each other's hair, but Mandi felt she might have just made a friend. "Light shine on you, Amaranie."

Mandi sat there for a while, contemplating the exchange and how she felt about it. Sure, habit was making her want to retreat to her room and not speak to anyone, but a part of her, a part she'd forgotten existed, was hopeful. Hopeful of a friend, of a chance to really talk to someone, of....change. She realized that she was tired of things as they were. She was ready for things to change and for life to become something she lived, not something she merely sleepwalked through.

But, not yet. She was tired and she was weary. She didn't know how to start this change, what she had to do next. For now, she'd study and focus on breaking though her bloody block. Then, friends.

Spoiler: show

OOC: Thanks for the thread, Amaranie.