When the learning doesn't come [attn. Alianora]

[Adanys]

Mandira Mandi sneezed as a dust cloud rose into the air from her frenzied sweeping. Pausing her work she took a deep breath and tried to calm herself down. If she kept this up, they'd make her sweep this room all over again. More slowly this time, Mandi resumed her sweeping. Her thoughts, however, remained awhirl. She'd been at the Tower for 3 weeks now and still hadn't been able to channel even once. After endless interrogations - there was no other word for it - the Yellows had concluded that her block had something to do with Healing, but they weren't ready to bring her into the Infirmary because they had no idea if Mandi wouldn't end up killing the patients instead of helping them.

Sweeping the dirt into a pile, Mandi just stared at it. Three weeks, and she hadn't even Channeled once. She'd done the exercises, all of them, countless times and nothing had come to her. It seemed the only thing she'd gotten out these three weeks was a new life in a place she still didn't feel like she belonged in.

With a shake of her head Mandi swept the dirt and her feelings of self pity along with it into the dustpan. After disposing of the dirt, Mandi headed to the Library for some studying. At least there were some classes she enjoyed and could do something about. Finding the books she needed in a short amount of time - the Library had become a second home to her - Mandi went to a corner and sat in her favorite chair, her feet tucked beneath her. As she opened her books and buried herself in her studying, her cares seemed to melt away.

[Alianora]

Accepted Amaranie

Amaranie walked quickly towards the library with the latest book she needed to read tucked under an arm. It was a place she'd found herself spending far more time in since she'd earned the ring. Though she didn't have classes as novices did, the Accepted had quickly learned that the Aes Sedai she chose to study with were all too willing to provide her with what felt like an endless stream of assignments. As she reached the library doors, she sighed and reached up with her free hand, pushing her dark brown ponytail out of the way to dangle down her back. She wove through the aisles, heading for a back corner of the library where she preferred to sit to read. Being tucked in the back, it was usually quiet, and she was often able to be entirely alone so she could concentrate.

When she arrived, Amaranie was surprised to see that one of the chairs was already occupied by a novice she didn't recognize. I must not be the only one who likes it here. She said nothing to the girl, instead taking the chair beside her and settling in. Her long legs allowed her feet to rest flat on the floor beneath them, and she bent her head over the heavy book that laid in her lap. It was one Lisola Sedai had lent to her to read, about ter'angreal from the Age of Legends which were still in existence, and although the subject interested her, it was not a simple thing to study. Amaranie squinted at the book as she turned the pages, intently focused on it, and as time passed, the Accepted felt her head beginning to ache from concentration. She sighed, marked her place in the book, and picked her head up. She hoped that if she took a break from the reading, just for a few minutes, that the headache would stop so she could continue.

[Adanys]

Mandira Mandi's current topic, history on the Aiel War, was one that usually interested her, but today she just couldn't seem to focus. Her mind kept drifting back to her inability to channel. Why couldn't she do it? What was holding her back? Aes Sedai and Ashaman alike had told her she had a block, something in her mind that was keeping her from channeling at will. Mandi chewed her lower lip, her eyes still on her book but not seeing the words. Deep down, she knew where the block stemmed from, what it just had to be.

But why couldn't she bring herself to talk it through with anyone? Because it would mean opening an old, festering wound that she become an expert at hiding. And while her superiors were kind enough to her, and truly did want to help, Mandi held back. She didn't know if she still knew how to open her heart to someone, she hadn't done it in so long. All she knew was guarding herself and keeping the pieces of her heart together with an iron will.

With a shake, Mandi raised her head and tried to clear it. Glancing over, she saw that the Accepted who had joined her in the corner a while ago had just raised her own head. The woman had hair dark like her own, but blue eyes instead of brown. Hesitating only a moment, Mandi leaned forward slightly and offered her hand. "Hi, I'm Mandira. I became a novice a few weeks ago. You can call me Mandi." She wasn't sure if the other woman was up for talking, but Mandi was so unfocused on her studies at the moment, she decided to try anyway.

[Alianora]

Accepted Amaranie

Almost as soon as she'd raised her head, Amaranie was distracted by the sound of someone's voice. She blinked, surprised to be spoken to, then turned her head towards the other person. As they were quite alone back here, it was not nearly as much of a surprise to her to see that the voice belonged to the novice beside her. She must not have been here very long, Amaranie observed. Not many novices would have dared to speak first to an Accepted, but that wasn't something that bothered Amaranie.

The Accepted turned her body sideways in her chair to more easily see the novice, though she was careful to keep her feet off of it. She extended her arm over the arm of the chair to shake the offered hand. "I'm Amaranie Tice," she said, her voice just a bit above a whisper. Amaranie pulled her arm back towards herself. With her head still pounding, she wasn't ready to return to her book yet. I may as well try to talk to her...and hope I don't say anything stupid. Nervously, she paused for a moment, thinking, before saying, "I thought you might be new. How do you like it so far?" She worried, too late, that that might have been the wrong thing to say, remembering how afraid she'd been during her own first weeks. She's talking to you, she can't be as scared as you were, Amaranie reasoned, and hoped that she was right.

[Adanys]

Mandira It never occurred to Mandi that starting a conversation with an Accepted was something most Novices would never think of doing. She just knew she'd rather talk to someone than keep staring at her book. The woman looked surprised to be spoken to, but soon turned towards Mandi and introduced herself as Amaranie.

"Amaranie," Mandi repeated, trying the name on her tongue. "That's a lovely name." She opened her mouth to reply that everything was fine as she usually did, but something stopped her. Instead, she said, "It's been a bit rough. I have a block, so I haven't Channeled once since I first arrived 3 weeks ago." She chewed at her lower lip. "They've been telling me the block is connected to some trauma in my past or something like that. So now everyone is tiptoeing around me, trying to get me to channel, but at the same time they don't know how to fix...whatever's wrong," she abbreviated.

This was more than she shared with most, but it also left out the nightmares she was having, her inability to discuss her past without breaking into a fit of sobs, or her ever growing frustration with herself, and lately, with the Aes Sedai and Asha'man who couldn't help her. She knew it wasn't their fault, but she was tired and weary and being upset with only herself no longer seemed enough.

[Alianora]

Accepted Amaranie

"Thank you," Amaranie said with a smile, surprised by the unexpected compliment. She folded her arms on the arm of the chair while Mandi spoke of her short time within the Tower. She hadn't thought the novice would say much to her, but since she couldn't concentrate on her book, she didn't mind listening. That was easy enough, but knowing what to say to Mandi about the difficulties she described was much harder. All she knew about blocks was that they existed, so she could offer no assistance there. It seemed strange to her that Mandi thought hers linked to some event in her past. Though she knew nothing of blocks, Amaranie knew far too much about forcing back memories that simply hurt too much to bear. She could not imagine how much worse it would be if her ability to channel had been linked to hers, and felt sorry for the other girl.

The Accepted raised her head, and her light eyes met Mandi's brown ones for a second before she looked away. "I don't know anything about blocks," she had to admit. Amaranie unfolded her arms, resting the left one on the chair and running the first finger of her right hand along the scar that lay under the white sleeve. As she did, she thought about what Mandi had said, and an idea came to her. "If you think your block is connected to something in your past....do you have any idea what might have happened to cause it? Maybe you could talk to one of your instructors about it." Her eyes lowered to where her fingers traced their path up and down her sleeve. While her suggestion sounded good in theory, the Accepted couldn't help but think that she had no right to make it, since she never spoke of the pain that lay within her own past.

[Adanys]

Mandira A part of Mandi instantly regretted starting a conversation with Amaranie, she just wasn't much good at conversing these days. However, at the same time, she found relief in talking, even if it was only temporary. Drawing her knees to her chest and wrapping her arms around her legs, she listened to the Accepted.

Mandi felt her throat constrict when Amaranie suggested talking about the memory causing the block, or at least where it had originated. Easier said than done, a voice in her head muttered. Lifting her chin, she replied, "I do know what started it, at least I'm pretty sure. Prior to coming here, I never touched that memory, not if I could help it. Now suddenly I'm supposed to talk about it all the time, and not only that, but they poke and they prod, and it's just too hard." Her voice came out more severe than she'd intended, but her eyes stayed dry so she didn't try to soften it.

"I don't know how to talk to them, and frankly, I don't see how dragging up painful memories is going to help my block. Doesn't it stand to reason that making me relive such a painful time will only make it worse? How am I expected to recover if all I'm supposed to do is talk about the worst thing that ever happened to me?"

A part of Mandi wanted to apologize profusely for the tone she was taking -and to an Accepted at that!!- but she knew if she did that, there was no way she wouldn't end up sobbing again. So she just desperately hopped Amaranie would understand that it wasn't directed at her personally.

[Alianora]

Accepted Amaranie

The sharpness in Mandi's voice startled Amaranie. She blinked, and the hand on her sleeve stilled, though her fingers began to twist the white fabric. She does know I could send her to the Mistress of Novices for how she's talking to me? Amaranie knew she could have, but the Accepted truly hated doing that, so instead of scolding her, Amaranie let Mandi keep talking. She didn't look up until the other girl stopped, and when she did, caught the novice's eyes with her own light ones. Her fingers never stopped picking at her sleeve as she wondered if she were imagining the hint of pain she thought she'd detected in Mandi's voice.

"I can't say what's going to help with your block," she began, choosing not to say anything about the tone the other girl had taken with her. "But if you think some incident in your past caused it, I can't imagine how you'll make any progress if you won't tell them about it." She believed every word she said, but it still surprised Amaranie to hear her own voice speaking them. You're telling someone else what she has to do? she scolded herself. You, who haven't even spoken Keegan's name in all these years? Perhaps what she'd said was what Mandi should do, but Amaranie knew very well that it just wasn't as simple as she'd made it sound.

Amaranie swallowed hard, trying not to let her own memories intrude when she was trying to help Mandi with her own problems. Without really thinking about it, she pushed her left sleeve up, letting her eyes fall on the pale scar there for several seconds. Spots of red rose on her cheeks, regretting having so easily suggested that the novice do something she herself couldn't do. When she looked back at the other girl and spoke again, her voice dropped into a quiet, haunted whisper. "I mean.....I know it isn't as easy as that. Some things just hurt too much to talk about," she said. She wanted to be more encouraging, more helpful, but Amaranie didn't know how.

[Adanys]

Mandira Mandi's guilt over her tone only intensified when Amaranie looked surprised but didn't say anything. But backpedaling now would only undo her, so she forged ahead. And when Amaranie spoke the simple, logical truth - that she needed to talk about it - Mandi felt the familiar desire to push the idea away, to tune it out, to ignore it. But this time she didn't.

She'd started this conversation herself, she'd approached the Accepted, she'd taken a very disrespectful tone with her....not listening now would be like slapping the woman in the face. So Mandi let the words in. "I can't imagine how you'll make any progress if you won't tell them about it." And how they cut! The defensive anger rose up in her again. How dare such simple words be the answer to this pain and misery I've carried with me for more than 2 years?

Mandi's mind quieted as she noticed the Accepted had stopped talking and was looking at her arm. Mandi thought she spotted a small scar and a part of her wondered what had happened to her. Scars didn't attract such preoccupation from their wearers unless there was significant pain behind them. For a moment, she forget her own troubles and wondered what Amaranie's story was, what hurts she was harboring.

The tears she'd managed to hold back until now finally sprang to Mandi's eyes at Amaranie's whisper. But she didn't weep, she just let the tears silently fall down her face. "Yes," she responded, her own voice not above a whisper, "sometimes things just hurt too much. But for the first time, I'm willing to admit that my approach isn't going to help me, that it's only making things harder. That I'm not helping myself at all, that burying everything isn't the path to healing. That I need...need to talk about it." She nearly surprised herself by not choking on the words. Closing her eyes to hide the vulnerability she felt had to be shining through, Mandi forced out the words. "But I don't know how."

[Alianora]

Accepted Amaranie

Amaranie took her eyes off her arm to look up at Mandi as the novice spoke, feeling vaguely guilty as she noticed the familiar shine in Mandi's eyes. She looked away then, trying to pretend she hadn't seen the tears begin to fall, but Amaranie's head remained up as she listened intently, trying to think of something to say. She didn't know what had brought the other girl to the point of tears, but somehow, Amaranie did not think any words from her were going to be much use. Her gaze moved around the room, avoiding looking at the novice as she talked of feelings that were so similar to Amaranie's own.

The Accepted sniffled and pulled her left sleeve back down her arm, knowing from long experience that she wasn't far from tears herself. "I don't know either," she said, very quietly. She sniffled again before continuing, "But...you're right that you can't keep burying it." She winced, knowing very well that her statement applied as much to herself as it did to Mandi. She'd done the same for many years, pushed down her memories of Keegan and the events that had brought her here, and while she could manage most days, there were still times when they threatened to break free. Thinking of that, Amaranie knew what to say next, what might help Mandi in some small way.

Her eyes closed for a moment, opening again as she willed herself to focus on the other girl and keep her mind off of her own pain for just a while longer. "Whatever happened to you....you probably had to bury it...just to get through, at first," she said, knowing this had been true for her and guessing it might apply to Mandi as well. "The problem is.....if you keep it to yourself for too long....well, a time will come when you can't do that anymore, and....it will all come back to you when you're not expecting it, when you're not ready for it." For her, that had happened right after her raising, bringing back the pain and loss just as fresh as it had been when she'd first come here. She blinked as she thought of that time, and the tears she'd been fighting finally began to fall. Amaranie lowered her head, hoping desperately that Mandi wouldn't notice.