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Broken in Heart, Mind, Soul and Spirit [Attn: Craig]

Posted: January 12th, 2018, 4:12 pm
by Roan
Paks Liard



These were far from the only things Paks Liard felt. Her throat was raw from screaming the day before, or was it two days ago? Three? Time meant nothing to the Ji’Val. . .not any more. The private room she’d been given in the Infirmary was as good as a cell since she wasn’t allowed to leave. She tried. . .oh how she tried.

Perhaps the Ji’Val wasn’t meant to hear the Dedicated and Accepted talking about how Ninya had escaped her captors. The four who escorted her didn’t have a clue as to what happened. Paks wasn’t convinced, and was bound and determined to find the woman who took Jesi from her.

Maybe those in the infirmary didn’t think she’d wake from whatever it was that put her under. Why they hadn’t initially barred her door was lost on her (that it was actually a room in the infirmary and not a cell didn’t really cross her mind), but she saw an opening and went for it. Paks made it not even three full strides before she was caught and pulled back into the room. When the door closed, she threw herself at it, kicked at it, punched at it, screamed at it, but it didn’t budge.

After throwing herself at it one more time, she slumped to the floor, exhausted. Her eyes scanned the room. It wasn’t very big. There was a bed, a small bedside table, a chair and a window. She could pace the room in three strides, and looking at the floor, there seemed to be a well-worn path between the window and the other side of the room where other people paced as they waited.

Paks felt broken. . .more than that, she was broken, and she knew this to be fact. Eventually, she pulled herself off the floor and curled up on the bed, back to the door. Tears flowed freely as she stared out the window. Every now and then, she wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt. She couldn’t escape the memory of seeing Jesi as she crumpled to the ground, or the seemingly pleased look on Ninya’s face with what she’d done.

The Ji’Val set the former Amyrlin’s features to memory. One way or another, Paks was going to get out of the infirmary and track Ninya down. One way or another, the Ji’Val would bring an end to the Darkfriend who stole Jesi from her.

How long would they keep her in the infirmary? They’d have to let her go eventually, right?

Re: Broken in Heart, Mind, Soul and Spirit [Attn: Craig]

Posted: January 18th, 2018, 1:51 am
by Craig
Zarayne Sedai Sister of the Yellow Ajah
Zarayne was hunched over the small mirror above her washbowl. She was studying her face, reflecting on how sincere different expressions looked on her face. Aes Sedai were known, to the wider world, for being tricky creatures, never meaning what they were saying despite the fact they had to speak the truth. Well, those were the old stories. Without the White Tower, and without the requirement of the Three Oaths, few people opted to remain bound to them. Zarayne was an exception, and one she prayed was the correct choice for her vocation.

The reason for that choice was coming back full circle on her today.

Uncertain how genuine she appeared to the outside world, Zarayne drew herself up. She felt tall compared to the furniture in her rooms as none were made with her height in mind. That acted against her interests. It was hard to look at someone in the eye when you were a hand taller than they were. It was also hard to seem emphathic and familar when your face clearly marked you not just as an Aes Sedai but also as an Aiel. It didn't matter that her face wasn't yet truly ageless, nor that she wasn't fully Aiel.

A peel of bells started to ring somewhere in the distance, bringing Zarayne's mind back into the present. She was intentionally delaying herself, and she knew it was out of fear. The decision that made her go Yellow and made her choose to swear the Three Oaths was baring witness to a horrific event. More over, it was standing still whilst a life was ripped away from a young woman, yet not her physical life. The mind was just as important as the body, but the mind could not be so easily Healed.
- - - The Infirmary held the sterile air that Zarayne disliked. Her room was fragranced for her patients' comfort. Bleach and blood was about as far from that comfort as a place could get, without being a slaughterhouse. Fortunately her patient was in a private room, away from the worst of it. As she turned towards the room in question, her jade green eyes flashing wide for a moment. There were guards in attendance. A Yellow sister and her two Warders watched the door, as well as the room beyond. Zarayne cleared her throat as she approached.

"Joelle." Zarayne bowed her head in acknowledgement to the more senior Yellow, then in turn to the two Gaidin. "I'm here to see... her."

"Good luck, sister," was all the Amadician said. One of the Gaidin stepped aside as the other opened the door, permitting entry. Immediately after Zarayne stepped inside, the door closed swiftly.

Zarayne's gaze found its way to the bed and to the person laying upon it. It seemed at odds with the screaming and the fighting she recalled. Others may see it as acceptable as the Ji'val returned towards a normal mood, but Zarayne equated it to a heart ceasing to beat. Fortunately the figure on the bed wasn't still yet, but it seemed unlikely that she was far removed from dying inside.

"Paks?" The name came out croakily, trepidation making with concern. "Paks?" Zarayne replied clearly. "My name is Zarayne. I've come to talk to you, if that's alright?"

Re: Broken in Heart, Mind, Soul and Spirit [Attn: Craig]

Posted: January 21st, 2018, 5:19 am
by Roan
The Ji’Val had been on the verge of drifting off when she heard the door open and close. The tears had stopped flowing, though she reached up and wiped off her cheek anyway. She was reluctant to turn and face her visitor, but she pushed herself up and turned to lean against the headboard of the bed as she looked to the woman who said her name was Zarayne.

Zarayne, the woman who came to ‘talk.’

Paks couldn’t help the skeptical look she gave to the woman. An Aes Sedai, and likely a Yellow if she’d come to talk. Turning her gaze away, she folded her arms across her chest, “You can talk all you want. I’m a captive audience, as you might say.

“Doesn’t mean I’ll reply,” she added, unable to keep the bitterness she felt from her tone.
Spoiler: show
This is shorter than I hoped but she's being a bit stubborn. Let me know if you need more to work with.

Re: Broken in Heart, Mind, Soul and Spirit [Attn: Craig]

Posted: February 5th, 2018, 12:00 pm
by Craig
Spoiler: show
OOC: Sorry, no excuse for the delay.
Zarayne held back a wince, but the comment about being a captive was spot-on. It was a cell with a view, but that view would only be a reminder to how Paks was being segregated from the rest of the world, and also how life continued even as her own had been torn asunder. It was a bleak thought, but it was fortunate that the Tower's windows were all impenetrable ter'angreal. If it were mere glass, Paks may have tried to escape; there was only a sheer drop to greet such an attempt.

She was procrastinating again, even if only within her thoughts. The Yellow forced herself to take a step deeper into the room and drew in a deep breath before speaking. "I am sorry for your loss. Your friend... it was an act of evil that took her. I know what it is like to lose a friend, but I have never lost a bondmate." Zarayne watched carefully for a reaction to that. "That is what you were to each other, correct? I'm not asking to judge or punish you, just simply to understand what you are going through."

Re: Broken in Heart, Mind, Soul and Spirit [Attn: Craig]

Posted: February 6th, 2018, 8:55 pm
by Roan
Your friend. . .

Paks heard what Zarayne said, though her mind was hung up on those two words. She cast a sidelong look at the Aes Sedai before looking out the window. “Jesi was more than my friend, Aes Sedai,” she replied after several tense seconds and in a tone filled with bitterness. “More than a friend, more than my bondmate. She was my lover, and the love of my life.

“And if you knew anything about me, you’d know. . .” She paused and forced herself to take a deep breath, “You’d know how significant that last sentence was. She was my bondmate, my lover and my love. She held my heart and the key to my soul in her hands.”

She was one of the few who actually believed in me, she thought to herself. And she was gone. Returned to the pattern by filth who walked free when she should have been wiped clean from the Pattern. I failed you, Jesi. I should have saved you, and I failed.

“And now she’s gone,” she said in a shaky voice, barely above a whisper.
Spoiler: show
No worries. My brain has been a bit scattered lately, so it's all good.

Re: Broken in Heart, Mind, Soul and Spirit [Attn: Craig]

Posted: February 21st, 2018, 12:26 am
by Craig
Zarayne parted her lips, paused for a couple of seconds, then closed her mouth. Her jade-hued eyes glanced around the room, looking for something other than Paks to focus upon. She settled on the clouds outside the window, but her attention was consumed by the words jerkily whispered.

"She held my heart and the key to my soul in her hands."

The Aiel inwardly tussled for words of consequence, but she ran afoul of her own limited experience. Her deepest participation of love was confined by what she had seen from others. Now I have a patient dying from heartbreak, and I don't know what heartbreak is. It was tempting to stick with a tried yet meaningless phrase like "the Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills, and we are only the thread of the Pattern." Tempting yet Zarayne constrained herself to (and was constrained by) the truth.

Zarayne's distant gaze returned once again to the woman on the bed. A bile rose in the Aes Sedai's gut as she accepted and voiced her own ignorance. "I am sorry, Paks Liard. I know not what you are going through." She swallowed before pressing a hand into her stomach. "However, in whatever way it is possible, I am here to help you... recover."

I cannot stand by and watch another life vanish before my eyes.

Re: Broken in Heart, Mind, Soul and Spirit [Attn: Craig]

Posted: February 23rd, 2018, 9:33 pm
by Roan
Paks Liard
“How are you supposed to help?” Paks snapped, unable to keep the bitterness from her tone. Part of her knew she’d been a bit harsh, and if things had been different, she’d realize the Yellow didn’t deserve her anger. She wasn’t the one who ripped Jesi from her. She would have apologized. Things were what they were, though, and she just looked away from Zarayne and let go a defeated sigh.

“Am I just supposed to talk about how I feel? That’s what one of your Sisters wanted me to do and got frustrated when I wouldn’t answer her questions. Are you going to get frustrated too, and leave when I don’t tell you what you want to hear?” she asked as she stared at her feet.

“Or are you going to tell me you can fix me, because I’m pretty certain I’m beyond broken. I knew what would happen if she died. I didn’t go into the bond ignorant of what it meant. I’ve heard people talking outside my door, feeling pity for me because there’s little hope.

The poor Ji’val. How awful it must be for her. . .’ What the fuck do they know?” she nearly hissed as she pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. “So how are you supposed to help?” she asked again, this time in a more meek, less defensive tone.
Spoiler: show
OOC: She doesn't mean to be belligerent.

Re: Broken in Heart, Mind, Soul and Spirit [Attn: Craig]

Posted: May 28th, 2018, 12:59 pm
by Craig
She knew Paks' words weren't a personal attack, yet Zarayne did feel... justifiably belittled. This wasn't like Healing. There were no weaves to lay over Paks. The Ji'val wouldn't leap out of bed with a smile on her face, signifying that all was well.

Zarayne was silently grateful that Paks wasn't staring in her direction. An expression of doubt had appeared on the Aiel's face as she thought about how to respond. It was a wonder to many that she'd chosen the Yellow Ajah, and at this moment Zarayne wondered if she should have taken a path with clear and tangible results.

She took a deep breath, then spoke softly. "In whatever way I can," Zarayne answered. "If you wish to talk, I am here to listen. If you wish to stay silent, then I can sit by your side quietly."

Zarayne moved away from the door until she was five feet away from the bed. She had no intention of looming over Paks, but she wasn't judging her from afar either.

"I am here for you in whatever capacity you need me for, for as long as you need me. There is a way through this bleakness, Paks. There is life after loss."

Re: Broken in Heart, Mind, Soul and Spirit [Attn: Craig]

Posted: May 28th, 2018, 2:52 pm
by Roan
I am here for you in whatever capacity you need me for, for as long as you need me.

The words resonated within the Ji’val. . .they were similar to something Jesi had once said not all that long ago. Paks closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the wall.

Light, Jesi. I don’t know that I can do this without you.

“You know you can, Paks. You know you have to for yourself, and if you can’t do it for you, do it for me. Don’t take it all out on her. She wasn’t the one who killed me,” Jesi answered.

Paks opened her eyes and looked to her lost bondmate standing against the wall opposite her. Part of her knew Zarayne couldn’t see Jesi, that Jesi wasn’t really there, but it was real enough for her.

I know, but. . .they all want me to move on, like nothing happened. Like you. . .your life doesn't matter to them the way it does to me.

Pushing herself off the wall, Jesi moved to sit beside Paks, “You know that’s not true. They are concerned for you. If they let you, you’d have tried to take that filthy bitch down yourself, and she would have wiped you from the Pattern.” She took Paks’s hand in her own, “One of us has to go on, my heart. Live for me if you can’t do it for yourself. Let her help you.”

I will. . .I will try..

“Do more than try, my rogue,” Jesi replied. “And know you are never truly alone,” she added as she placed her hand over Paks’s heart, “I’m always here with you.”

The Ji’val took a shuddered breath as tears started falling once more. She looked to Zarayne, “I don’t know how to get through this. I’ve never. . .never loved so deeply, and to have her ripped from me. How do I get through this?”
Spoiler: show
OOC: I hope the stuff in the box makes sense. . .she won’t let on about the vision of Jesi.

Re: Broken in Heart, Mind, Soul and Spirit [Attn: Craig]

Posted: May 28th, 2018, 4:06 pm
by Craig
Zarayne moved closer and kneeled beside the bed. She tried placing a comforting smile on her face, but she hadn't yet obtained either Aes Sedai confidence nor Aes Sedai serenity.

"Together," Zarayne stated. "We get you through this together."
- - - Paks was held, for lack of a more accurate term, in the Infirmary for a number of days. Zarayne would arrive during or just after breakfast until before lunch, then from the Late bell for a few hours. If Paks was asleep, she wouldn't disturb her, even though the Ji'val's dreams only fixated on one thing. Sleep was vital, no matter how restless.

Zarayne had no overarching plan. There was no well-reasoned guidance on how to ensure the physical and mental survival of a Warder after their bond was broken. She approached it day-by-day, tackling each question or problem as it came. Her goal was to gradually guide Paks towards a semblance of normality without any expectations of the time it would take. Forever was a reasonable guess.

Zarayne was being observed herself. Some of her peers suggested that severing her ties with the past, much as an Aes Sedai was expected to do, was a prudent approach. Not once did the Yellow suggest or hint that Paks should forget about Jesi. Jesi had been, and still was, integral to Paks. The question was how to move forward from Jesi without leaving Jesi behind. Not in the slightest bit contradictory.
- - - "Paks?" It was just after breakfast and Zarayne stood in the doorway to the Ji'val's room. Paks turned towards her, no doubt anticipating that the Yellow had more to say. Zarayne looked out of the doorway into the Infirmary, then back to Paks. "I think it's time you got some fresh air," she smiled. "Would you like to walk? We can go wherever you like."