Heavier than a Mountain [Roan~]

The everyday life of the inhabitants of the Grey Tower. This board is for general daily roleplay around the Tower, in the corridors, rooms and halls that make up most of the building.
Elan
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Heavier than a Mountain [Roan~]

Post by Elan » January 6th, 2018, 6:48 pm

Marten Emry, Asha'man of the Red Ajah
There was something to be said for the Dragon pin on his collar; nobody was telling him to get back to copying notes for Almea Sedai, or to run along and serve tea to whomever Asha’man Derren was presently in a meeting with. The past months had been full of those kinds of seemingly random assignments, though now Marten more than suspected their purpose had been to help him find the Ajah he was interested in.

Well, none of it had worked and it had taken a Darkfriend to push him in the right direction… and what that said about him, he didn’t particularly want to think about. He had his Dragon pin now, and the Red cord on his shoulder, nobody was going to send him scurrying back to his chores, and that was what mattered right now.

He didn’t relish the thought of being back in the Infirmary, even as a visitor; he’d had enough of the place for one lifetime. He didn’t relish the thought of facing Marle again, either, and since Marle was a Yellow, chances of that were higher than average in the Infirmary. However, this was something he had to do, and so he pushed his discomfort aside, shoved it into the deepest corner of his mind and shut the door. Funny how that kept getting easier.

“Ji’val Paks Liard,” he told the Dedicated at the desk. “Where’s she?”

The Dedicated, a lanky fellow named Karl, looked up at him with open disbelief. “No way,” he said, an openly sullen note to his voice. “No way they raised you—”

”Ji’val Paks Liard,” Marten repeated, with such perfect, icy calm that he genuinely surprised himself. Karl, however, was even more surprised and gave the directions quickly enough, if not quite with the deference technically due a full-ranked Asha’man. Marten found that he didn’t give a shit. He nodded curtly and strode in the appointed direction.

She was held in a private room, which all things considered was probably wise. Marten wasn’t sure if the broken bond was common knowledge but someone as traumatised and grief-stricken as Paks must be was probably better off without other patients coming and going all around. It was also better for the conversation — or maybe encounter, if she wasn’t in the mood to talk — about to take place. Marten paused briefly outside the door, then knocked… and entered the room without waiting for a reply. “Paks?”

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Re: Heavier than a Mountain [Roan~]

Post by Roan » January 7th, 2018, 7:32 pm

Paks Liard
Paks Liard, Ji’Val of the Grey Tower may have a private room in the infirmary, but it by no means meant she had anything resembling privacy. Currently, she sat in a chair and was staring out the one window in the room, watching the wind play through the leaves of the shrubs and tree she could see. The bright blue sky suggested it would be a brisk day, but those who came in spoke of how unusually warm the weather had been of late. As if she cared?

Paks Liard, known to be the joker and clown of the Warder Yards hadn’t left the infirmary since she’d been carried there against her will the day when. . .well, when she lost Jesi and everything changed. Some came to visit her and said things, leaving her an opening she would normally not ignore, but then that was before. Now? She just didn’t respond.

Aes Sedai and Asha’man came to talk to her, but she’d said nothing. What was there to say? Jesi was gone, returned to the pattern by the Amyrlin Seat herself, and Paks, her bondmate, failed to protect her. What was the point of any of it? She’d been training to become a Warder, and she failed the ultimate test.

Paks heard the knock at the door, but ignored it. She knew whoever knocked would come in anyway. . .they always did. She resented each and every one of them for it and for coming to ‘talk’ to her. She didn’t want to talk. Didn’t even want to be in the infirmary. How many days had it been? It didn’t matter.

“Paks?”

She turned her head slightly, and angled her eyes in the direction of the voice without actually looking towards the speaker. She knew the voice, but didn’t know the man behind it. . .not really. She knew what he represented. . .what day he represented. Her lip twitched and she nearly snarled, but instead shook her head slightly, “If you are not with the Yellow, I have no desire to have visitors.” She also had no idea she was now addressing an Asha’man. It wouldn’t have changed how she responded.
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Elan
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Re: Heavier than a Mountain [Roan~]

Post by Elan » January 8th, 2018, 7:47 pm

Marten
Alright, so he’d expected this. Or if he hadn’t, he should have; he could see that much. He’d done his homework, he’d read about broken bonds, case studies of Warder rehabilitation (he might have gone into the Yellow archives for that stuff and he might have forgotten to ask for permission to access said Yellow archives but he hadn’t got caught so it should be fine), and what he’d found didn’t give him much cause for optimism. Of course, that was nothing he hadn’t expected, either.

Optimism was overrated, anyway.

Marten closed the door behind him and, after a moment’s indecision, dragged a stool next to the bed and sat. Paks looked… well, she looked like hell, short hair unkempt and dark shadows under her eyes. Eyes that stubbornly wouldn’t meet his. Fair enough. There was no reason why she should want to see him, or talk to him; even less so than most other visitors she might receive. After all, it was — and the thought was still difficult to face — his fault, in a way, that she was here in this condition. Ninya had been about to kill him and Jesi had interfered. Marten owed the Accepted a debt he’d never be able to pay back — for the simple reason that she was dead — but he could at least try to do something for her bondmate.

Oh, he harboured no romantic notions about saving Paks, dragging her kicking and screaming back to life, or anything of the sort. He might be a fool but not that kind of a fool. But he was of the Red Ajah, and Paks had a score to settle with a Darkfriend channeller; that equation was pretty basic arithmetic when it came down to it.

So here he was. “I’m not with the Yellow,” he said. “But it’s not a Yellow you want, anyway, is it?” It might be a bit of a stretch to expect that she wanted anything right now, but… details. “You want to go after Ninya. You’ll want a Red for that. And, guess what…”

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Re: Heavier than a Mountain [Roan~]

Post by Roan » January 9th, 2018, 10:15 pm

Paks
Reluctantly, Paks finally looked to Marten, her eyes drawn to the dragon pin first, and then the red cord on his shoulder. He’d been raised. Somehow, life carried on around the Tower as if nothing happened. Ninya escaped, but the learning ranks still went to class as if everything was normal. Aes Sedai, Asha’man and Gaidin went about their business as if a Darkfriend hadn’t killed one they were meant to protect.

Didn’t anyone care? Didn’t anyone give a damn that an Accepted had been murdered? That Ninya took Jesi from her?

He does, or he wouldn’t be here, ya self-pitying goat, a small voice somewhere within the depths of Paks’s mind made itself heard. She turned to look back out the window once more as she let go a defeated sigh. He was right. . .she needed a Red, and here he was. “I wanted to end that filthy Darkfriend that very day. She had no right to breath a moment longer than Jesi. . .no right to walk this world and inflict her black heart on it when she. . .” The Ji’val closed her eyes.

The heat of the fireball that hit Jesi in the chest flared across her face once again. The blinding flash from the lightning strike that killed her beloved filled her ‘vision’. The smell . . .the noise. Every single sense was overwhelmed, and then there was the sickening snap somewhere deep within not just her mind, but her soul of Jesi being ripped from her as the Accepted returned to the Pattern.

Anger, hurt and hatred welled up within Paks with such ferocity as memories of the fateful day slammed into her. The Yellows tried to talk to her about what happened. Every night, she screamed herself awake from the nightmare, and the Yellows came in to talk to her. . .to try and get her to share what she dreamed of, though most could guess. She refused. She already had to relive the memories in her dreams, and more often than she’d like during the day. Why relive them voluntarily when it was too easy to go in circles about them?

Her mind threatened to keep her trapped within the flashback, but she clenched her fists tight enough to feel her short nails dig into her skin, pulling her back to reality. It was all she could do to push back the images from that day. . .the images that haunted her and slammed into her without warning. She could do nothing to stop the self-criticism, I was meant to protect her, and I failed.

“What does it matter? They’re not letting me out of here any time soon, apparently. Not until I’m of sound mind, or some such,” the Ji’Val hissed.
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Elan
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Re: Heavier than a Mountain [Roan~]

Post by Elan » January 13th, 2018, 7:36 pm

Marten
The desolate emptiness in her eyes was devastating, but Marten didn’t flinch or look away. If he was uncomfortable, it was nothing compared to how she must be feeling, and he could leave this room and return to his own life after talking to her but she was stuck with herself for the rest of her life. So he listened as she spoke, watched her struggle between the all-consuming rage and debilitating apathy, both of which he’d read about — and not fully believed that such contradictory states of mind could co-exist — but never seen this close.

A traitorous, cowardly part of him wished he’d never had to witness it this close. He told it to go fuck itself.

He leaned forward a little, elbows on his knees. “You can make it matter,” he said, hoping to Light he sounded more convincing than he felt. Light, he’d been Asha’man for less than a week; what right had he to be talking to her like he knew the first damn thing about anything? But he was here, he was already involved, and he wasn’t going anywhere so he’d just have to be good enough.

“And I’m not talking about any of that ‘only you can make your life worth living again’ bullshit they’re probably feeding you here. I’m talking…” He shrugged, a little awkwardly. “They’re not letting you out until they’re satisfied you’re not going to hurt yourself, yeah? So work with them. Give them what they want; talk. It’s means to an end. You won’t be able to do anything about Ninya until you’re out of here, so get yourself out of here.” That sounded harsh, but he didn’t think she’d respond to a gentler approach right now; she wouldn’t feel she deserved it and nothing could convince her otherwise.

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Re: Heavier than a Mountain [Roan~]

Post by Roan » January 15th, 2018, 4:47 pm

Paks
A war raged within the Ji’Val. She knew the man was right, but that didn’t mean she liked what he had to say or wanted to hear it. He put the plain hard truth before her without apology. It was something she’d done for Jesi not long after she’d been raised to Accepted, and Paks herself gained the rank of Ji’Val.

I know what we went through wasn’t pleasant, and neither of us liked what we saw, or experienced, but that’s the crux of it, right? We know what we don’t want to become and no one here can force us to be somethin’ we’re not. We do what we do. We live the way *we* live. Yeah ok, we’ve got to follow their rules, but now that we’re mid-rank, those rules aren’t nearly so restrictive. We give them what they want. . .for now. . . until we get out of here.

Give them what they want. The Asha’man struck a chord in that he unknowingly used her own words against her. Paks looked back to Marten as she let go a defeated sigh and nodded slowly, “Ok, fine. I’ll talk.” It won’t help. Won’t fix what’s missing. . .or what’s broken, she thought to herself.

She ran a hand through her unkempt hair, “And then what? You want to team up with me and track Ninya down?” She couldn’t help sounding skeptical because she was. He lived when Jesi died. Had he not been there, had he not opened his mouth, would things be different?
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Elan
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Re: Heavier than a Mountain [Roan~]

Post by Elan » January 21st, 2018, 11:59 am

Marten
‘And then what?’ was a valid question, one Marten wasn’t sure he had a satisfactory answer to. They had teamed up to hunt Ninya down, in his Asha’man test in the Great Stair ter’angreal reality, but Paks had been a Gaidin, there; he doubted he’d get away with taking a suicidal Ji’val out on a quest for vengeance. And they’d failed to take Ninya down, anyway. There had been too many innocent bystanders, he’d made the judgement call to avoid civilian casualties at the cost of letting Ninya get away, and apparently that had qualified him for the Dragon pin. Funny how passing a test could feel so much like failure.

He remembered his welcome into the Red Ajah — obviously, as it had only been days ago, but he didn’t think he’d ever forget it, not if he lived for centuries. ‘The Red Ajah is not a tool for your personal vengeance,’ the Sitter, Astoria, had said without preamble, every inch of her radiating disapproval. Of course she would have known of the events just before his raising; of course she would have drawn her conclusions. Marten had agreed readily enough, but she’d not seemed convinced, and the look she still gave him whenever they came face to face spoke volumes about her opinion on whether he should have been raised at all. Marten thought it telling that Jaryd had remained silent through the exchange, simply watching him with those unsettling, dark eyes.

“Teaming up would be easier if you were Gaidin,” he replied, pushing thoughts of both Astoria and Jaryd bloody Kosari aside for the moment. “And besides, ‘tracking down’ somebody like Ninya Evoneigh — someone who can Travel and presumably has access to Darkfriend minions — is easier said than done.” It was a pity he couldn’t remember how they’d managed that in the test, though he didn’t expect it to work the same way in real life, anyway. “But whatever I can do to help bring her down, with the resources I have at my disposal, I will.” And that really should go without saying.

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Re: Heavier than a Mountain [Roan~]

Post by Roan » January 25th, 2018, 2:20 am

Paks Liard
He wanted to team up. Paks didn’t know what to make of that. . .team up with the man who Jesi saved by sacrificing her own life.

Stop being such a pig-headed fool. Honor her by honoring her actions.

The thought resonated, and Paks wasn’t entirely sure where it’d come from. Perhaps it was simply that Marten wanted to DO something while others who’d come to visit thus far wanted to talk about what happened. They wanted her to talk about her feelings and what she was going through when it should have been completely obvious.

She’d had her heart ripped from her chest by the Shadow, yet Death hadn’t claimed her. She felt flat and empty aside from one driving purpose to find the bitch who ripped her heart and soul to shreds.

Paks realized the Asha’man across from her had the same drive to track down Ninya. He was offering to help her. All she needed to do was get out of the infirmary. She couldn’t help but scoff at his comment, “I don’t think they are going to raise me to Gaidin any time soon after all of this.

“One of the Yellow Aes Sedai lectured me endlessly about how being bonded as a Ji’val went against the rules and that I should worry what kind of punishment the Mistress of Training might deliver. I’ve not heard a thing from her,” Paks realized she was rambling. “Though I guess she’d been busy with the mess with the White Tower. Why would she concern herself with a Ji’Val with a record like mine?” she asked rhetorically before heaving a sigh and looking away. “I will do what I can to get out of here. Perhaps they don’t need to know we’re off on a hunt for Ninya,” with this last comment, she looked back to him.
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Soooooo I'm going to track you down in Discord cuz I haz ideaz.
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Elan
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Re: Heavier than a Mountain [Roan~]

Post by Elan » January 30th, 2018, 8:31 pm

Marten
Punishment? They don’t think the broken bond is punishment enough? Sometimes Marten wasn’t sure whether it was he or the rest of the world that was absolutely batshit insane. And speaking of insane, Paks’ last remark, what it implied, didn’t exactly fall anywhere within the realm of sanity, and neither did the fact that Marten was actually considering it.

He sighed, forcing himself to mentally take a step back and look at the situation like a responsible adult. “I told you,” he said, though only part of the frustration in his voice was aimed at the woman before him, “it won’t be as simple as tracking down an ordinary criminal. She’s Black Ajah, maybe even high up in whatever passes for hierarchy among those vermin. She won’t leave a neat trail for us to follow. Light, I’ve seen the reports of sightings that come in.” Thanks for that, boss. The thought wasn’t entirely resentful, though; being stuck reading those reports had been enlightening in its way. “She’s been seen in a dozen locations, in several countries, within three days. We won’t find her just like that, I can guarantee that. We need a better plan.”

And of course there was the other thing, the part where taking a suicidal Ji’val out on a hunt for Darkfriends couldn’t possibly end well. Marten met the woman’s eyes and it was all he could do to not flinch from the cold, lifeless emptiness in their depths. Paks had lost so much more than a lover, which in itself would have been bad enough; the loss of a bondmate, bond-holder, was something few survived.

“Anyway. Plans can be figured out,” he said, shaking his head slightly. “And when we do, figure it out I mean, I need—” He cut off, looking for the right words, but hells, there was no good way to say what he had to say. “Paks, you’re standing on a cliff edge. Figuratively. I know what a broken bond means.” Generally speaking; as much as he ever wanted to know. “If we’re going to work together, I need to know you’re not going to— to step off that cliff. Or, shit, if that cliff crumbles, I need to know you’ll grab something, anything, that you won’t just let yourself fall.

“It’s going to be tempting to just… end it.” Even if she wasn’t actively suicidal, lacking the drive to stay alive could be just as dangerous in the Red Ajah business. He kept talking, faster, almost stumbling over the words. “And it’s going to be worse some days than others. And if we’re out there, hunting a Darkfriend, there’s going to be so many opportunities to die. Good, easy opportunities, ones you won’t even have to seek out, where all you have to do is just be a little slow to react, to hesitate a second too long before defending yourself. And I need to know you’re not going to give in to that. I need to know you’re going to do your damnedest to stay the fuck alive. Can you promise me that?”

There were ways to ensure her obedience, but such methods he wasn’t going to touch with a five foot pole. Many still maintained that the best way to rehabilitate a Warder was to get them a new bondmate, but Paks was not a Warder, she was Ji’val and she should never have been bonded in the first place. Even if the Yellows could get the appropriate authorities to agree that a new bond was her best chance, she’d need to consent and that, Marten suspected, was not going to happen. She’d just have to decide to live, and keep making that decision anew every day if she was going to be trusted with weapons.

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Re: Heavier than a Mountain [Roan~]

Post by Roan » February 5th, 2018, 10:40 pm

Paks
Paks wanted to look away, wanted to tell Marten to go fuck himself, wanted to . . . well, he knew what was deep down within her soul. It was why they had her confined in the Infirmary. They wanted to know she wouldn’t be a danger to herself, but there were never any guarantees, right?

The Asha’man was right, though. . . there would be many chances to just let it all come to an end. He was pleading with her to grasp at something to stay alive, asking her to promise she would. The Ji’Val closed her eyes and let out a long sigh as she hung her head, “I don’t make promises I can’t keep, Asha’man. I feel like a Trolloc has a hook through my soul and is standing on my chest trying to rip it right out of me, yet you want me to promise to try and stay alive.”

Running a hand through her short cropped, currently unkempt hair, “I know finding that Black Ajah bitch isn’t going to be a walk in the park. Somehow she became Amyrlin without anyone being any the wiser. I don’t care if it takes me to the end of my days, I want to end her.” With this, she looked back to Marten, “I will do my best to stay alive.”

A tear fell to her cheek and she looked away as she wiped it away, but more followed. She cursed inwardly as she tried to swallow away the knot at the back of her throat. “It’s hard for me not to resent you,” she finally admitted. “We shouldn’t have even been there. We were supposed to be gone, but she wanted one more dance, and then we couldn’t leave,” she spoke softly, her fists clenched tight.
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