Fancy Meeting You Here [Attn: Liaran Sedai]

[Bella]

[subtitle]Haeden Ives Gaidin[/subtitle]
Haeden had been spending more time than usual in the training yards.

There was much in his mind that he needed to work through, and he knew that it was better to bleed it out in training rather than in drinking. His self-control had become strong enough once again to overtake the urge for the second and pour it all into the first. As such, he was frequently missing mealtimes.

This fact brought him to the kitchens in between meals, and having grown up as a child of the Tower, the Mistress of the Kitchens--who had been there for decades and seemed as likely Aes Sedai as anyone else since she just kept going--took pity on him and would always sort out a meal for him.

He was only a little disheveled for this visit, having put his shirt back on after training but leaving it untucked. His long blond hair was hastily finger-combed and returned to its tie. With his stamina, he didn't look very winded although it was clear that he had been hard at work for some hours.

"Back to your irregular hours, I see," one of the kitchen servants said when they said him. The young woman smiled a little, and he smiled a little back.

"It is what it is," he said, taking a seat at one of the scattered stools before the large center counter. He watched the servant move off to fetch food for him and then looked around.

That was when he saw a face coming through the door that he had not expected. It had been a while--since the festival--that he had seen her at all, although she had been much in his thoughts. He hastily got to his feet, so hastily that another may have fallen but his Gaidin grace kept him upright.

"Aes Sedai," he said, bowing his head respectfully.

Spoiler: show

OOC: I hope this works for you!

[Alianora]

Liaran Sedai

Liaran stared blankly at the report in front of her. It had been sitting there for some time, but the Aes Sedai just couldn't seem to focus on what it said. She'd never enjoyed paperwork, and strongly suspected that she'd been assigned to sort through these just to keep her occupied. She attempted to force herself to her task, but was interrupted by the sound of her own stomach growling, loudly enough to make Shadow look up from where she sat across the room. Liaran sighed and shoved the report back into the folder she'd taken it from. She couldn't remember the last time she'd bothered to eat, and supposed she should at least attempt it.

She could have sent a servant, but instead Liaran decided to make herself leave her rooms, something she had determined to do once every day. She would have preferred never to leave them again, but she knew it wasn't good for her. At this hour, the kitchens should be nearly empty, so she wouldn't have to deal with too many people, or hear the gossip she was sure followed her everywhere she went. Insane. Violent. Dangerous. Untrustworthy. After what she'd done, Liaran couldn't honestly deny any of the accusations, and that scared her. She didn't know how to live with the memory, and on her worst days, wasn't sure that she deserved to live at all. It was a struggle just to place her hand on the door and walk out.

The path she took was long and winding, down little used stairways and mostly deserted halls. She couldn't face the stares and the whispers she was sure she'd receive if she traveled through the more commonly used parts of the Tower. It was a relief when she reached the kitchen without having to see anyone, but as soon as she entered, she couldn't help but notice the last possible person she wanted to see. Briefly, Liaran seriously considered turning and running all the way back to her rooms, where she wouldn't have to face him or anyone else.

Something made her stay put, even though she did not feel nearly ready to talk to him and wasn't sure she ever would. "Haeden." she said quietly. She couldn't bring herself to look at him. Instead, Liaran studied the floor, tangled black curls falling in front of her face. "Are you well?"

[Bella]

She does hate me, he thought with sudden dejection. She can't even look at me. I'm sure that she hasn't forgiven me for failing her and of course, I can't really blame her for that.

"I am well," he lied. He wasn't...not-well, precisely, but seeing her had spun up several emotions that he had been struggling against for some while now. And he felt like he might well be losing the fight, even though he knew that he couldn't let that happen. The situation felt impossible in that moment, but he knew he couldn't let it be.

Swallowing hard, he continued the words. "And you...Aes Sedai? How are you?" He hesitated, contemplating if he should leave the kitchen so that she could have peace without his presence...but he had food in front of him and did not want to abandon it. He had a right to eat as well. "If you have come for a late dinner, there is a wonderful lamb stew tonight."

He felt stupid saying it, but he said it anyways.

[Alianora]

Liaran Sedai

Liaran shrugged. "I'm...fine," she told him, grateful not to be bound to the Oaths. She was nowhere close to fine, and didn't think she ever would be again.Why is he talking to me? She could not understand why Haeden wanted anything more to do with her, and still couldn't make herself look up from the floor. Nervously, Liaran studied her fingers where they stuck out from the sleeves of a slightly dirty blouse, the same one she'd worn yesterday. Hunger had been forgotten as soon as she'd seen him, and though she desperately wanted to run, Liaran didn't. There was something she needed to tell him, and she did not expect to have another chance if she didn't speak now.

She took one deep breath, then forced herself to look up, directly at Haeden. It was almost as difficult for Liaran to address him as it had been when he'd caught up to her by the side of the Tar Valon road, but she made herself do it anyways, because she owed it to him. "I never did thank you for...finding me, and bringing me home," she said. "You didn't have to do that. You could have gone back after two days, and nobody would have blamed you." She wasn't sure she'd ever understand why he hadn't. He didn't know her, had no reason to care what became of her. The Aes Sedai took another breath. None of this was easy for her to say and she wasn't done yet. “And...I’m sorry...” she continued, feeling foolish, “for taking you away from your own life for that long, and....for being such a burden to you.” She wondered how pathetic she sounded, though considering what he’d already seen, there was little enough she could do to make him think any worse of her. Liaran was sure she was turning bright red just from the memory of how helpless she’d been, and there was nothing she could do about it. It didn’t help that her stomach chose that exact moment to start growling at her again. The Aes Sedai winced, wishing she could sink through the floor and disappear.

[Bella]

As she began to speak, he was sure she was about to tell him to leave. She was sickened just looking at the failure that he was, and having to be in the same room with him would make her lose her appetite... Haeden thought through all the words and braced himself, ready for whatever she was going to say...

...except, of course, for what she actually said.

The blond Gaidin stared at her, blinking his now widened green eyes. His mouth opened, then shut, then opened and shut again, like a fish on the bottom of a boat. Realizing he looked like a total moron, he kept his lips shut and tried to focus his thoughts. He couldn't believe that she thought such things.

"Aes Sedai..." he began, his voice quiet and tinged with some emotion he couldn't identify. "You were never a burden." He stepped around the table, beginning to approach her, but then stopped himself.

He held his hands out in supplication to her listening. "You have nothing to apologize for, least of all to me. It was no wrongdoing on your part that led to events as they were, and I would not have you take the blame for it. Please, believe me. No, no, I should be the one to apologize to you.

"I failed you terribly, and I have not been able to live with myself since. I was with you to protect you, and I let you fall into hostile hands and let you come to harm. That burden is entirely on me, not you. And I am...so sorry."

The words that he had wanted and needed to say in all this time finally poured out of him with deep, earnest feeling that he rarely allowed into his speech or acts. In the silence that followed his apology, he could actually hear her stomach. "Please, sit," he said gently, taking one step closer and gesturing to guide her to a stool at the small counter. "Let me fetch you some of this stew."

[Alianora]

Liaran Sedai

When Haeden was done speaking, Liaran was shocked into silence. She stood there, blinking, and wasn't sure what to say to him. Has he been blaming himself for what happened this whole time? Liaran couldn't imagine what he must have put himself through. She couldn't have known that without being told, but she still wished she'd said something sooner. The only thing she could think of to do now was to make it as clear as she could that she'd never held him responsible, neither at the time nor now.

The Aes Sedai shook her head, dark curls swinging. "You didn't fail me," she told him, firmly. She had never expected him to come looking for her as he had, and didn't understand how he could possibly think that."What else do you think you should have done? You did everything you could....and you did find me." Liaran's voice lowered, not really wanting to admit to what she said next, "If I'd been alone, on the road.......I don't think I would have made it back." She looked away from him then, not entirely comfortable with that statement, even though every word was true.

When he asked if he could get her dinner, Liaran hesitated. Though her stomach had made its demands quite clear, she wasn't sure she should allow him to be seen talking to her, now that she'd said what she had to say. Does he know what I did? If he hadn't heard the rumors, Liaran thought he was the last person in the entire Tower who hadn't. It wasn't something she wanted to talk about, or to remember, but she thought he deserved to know. He'll wish he'd let me die, she thought.

Liaran made herself step closer to him, not wanting to be overheard by anyone else in the kitchen, though she was sure everyone knew. "Are you sure that's a good idea?" she said quietly. "Don't you know what I've done?" When he didn't appear to understand, she proceeded to explain herself, eyes dropping back down to the floor. She didn't think she could stand to see the disgust she was sure would be in his expression if she let herself look up.

"I went back to the White Tower, during the war. I had to, I couldn't stay here and wait." Liaran knew he'd understand that much, if nothing else. "I was trying to find my way downstairs, but I ended up in some small courtyard....and I saw her, the Aes Sedai who.....held the whip, who led the circle...I don't think I've ever been so furious in my life." She hoped she never felt that intense emotion, ever again. "I didn't think. I found a rock, I hit her over the head with it, I don't know how many times and..... I killed her." She paused for a few seconds, fully expecting that Haeden would leave, but didn't think he had.Why? "I know I'll be caught, and if I'm not, that I have to tell the Hall. They'll probably execute me." And I deserve it.

[Bella]

Haeden listened.

It surprised him that she told him, but it looked like it was a heavy stone weighing upon her shoulders. As it should be. Death was always a heavy thing, and it should have been. His green eyes were sharp and keen, taking everything in and not interrupting her. Again, she would not look at him, but at least this was different...

"Aes Sedai," he said softly. He was tempted to call her by her given name, but that was a liberty he could not grant himself.

He tried to put himself in her place, and to understand what she must have gone through. He thought back over his own life, and the lives that he had taken...although none had been in the same way she had, he knew his body count outweighed hers. And growing up with a mother like his... Well. He wasn't fast to judge.

Another step closer to her and he took a chance and very lightly touched her shoulder, gently steering her toward the seat at the table he had already invited her to.

"Many terrible things happened that day," he finally said, his voice low. "I went to the White Tower that day myself, and I'm willing to bet I killed more people than you did." His voice sounded heavy as he sighed. "That woman...tortured you." He did not all the details of what she'd endured, but it hadn't been hard to figure much of it out.

He pressed his lips together and thought it through. "There were parts of you that she broke, and that is hard for a mind to get past. I've seen it happen in my fellow Gaidin, and I've seen it happen in my family. When you see the source of your torment... Well, it's human." He rubbed the back of his neck, looking at her again. "Right and wrong can be very grey in our lives, Liaran Sedai.

"If you think I will judge you, I will not. And I don't think the Hall will have your executed for this either. Not with what happened to you, and not from actions on a terrible, tragic day like that was."

[Alianora]

Liaran Sedai

When Liaran fell quiet, Haeden was still there, and she couldn't help but wonder if he'd been listening at all. Didn't you hear me? I'm a killer. A murderer. You can't want to be seen with someone like me. There was a pressure on her shoulder, and the Aes Sedai flinched, head snapping up, before she realized that it was just Haeden. She relaxed a little then, allowing him to guide her, and sat, though she still didn't look at him. She was sure he wanted nothing more than to make sure she knew what a terrible thing she had done. Her head dropped lower, and she waited for the harsh words she knew she was about to hear.

They never came. Instead, he almost sounded as if he understood the pain and fear that had driven her to the act. When she finally allowed herself to look up, she did not even see the condemnation she had been so sure was all she could expect from him. Liaran was silent while she listened to him, though to herself, she rejected nearly everything he said. She thought he meant well, but there was no excuse for murder. It did not matter what had been done to her, nor that the woman had intended to see Liaran herself dead. "I was still wrong," she whispered, not entirely sure whether she was talking to Haeden or just to herself.

[Bella]

"I didn't call it...right..." Haeden said thoughtfully.

He hooked the stool he'd been sitting on with his foot and pulled it closer, almost without thinking, so he was sitting on the same side of the table as she was. Putting his arms on the tabletop, he leaned forward slightly as thought drew his pale brows closer together. Words swirled around in his head that he tried to form into a proper response.

"No, it doesn't make it right," he said again, "but maybe it makes it...a little less wrong." He paused. "Aes Sedai, I've lived enough and seen enough of this world to know that few things are drawn in starkly clear, clean lines. There are people, not even those sworn to the Shadow, who take pleasure in hurting and killing other people. Animals." He swallowed hard. "Children.

"The fact that you sit here filled with guilt for killing a woman who caused you great pain speaks well of your character, whether you realize it or not."

He knew that others would turn her over to whatever authority would see to it, but he did not have that in his heart; not in these circumstances. And he didn't wonder if what she was doing to herself was actually worse than anything they would hand out. Well, maybe not quite, but close.

"What I'm saying is that I will not be your judge," he finally said. "And I will not condemn you for it. Not after things, and people, I've seen and heard of in this world."

[Alianora]

Liaran

It was difficult for Liaran to understand Haeden's calm acceptance of what she'd done. She knew she'd been in the wrong, knew she deserved whatever fate the Hall had in store for her. She was quiet for a long time, staring down at her own hands as she tried to comprehend what he had said and how he could possibly believe it. Perhaps he was correct that she was not as bad as some, but that did not make her any less guilty of the crime she'd committed. Reluctantly, she thought back to the moment when she'd seen the woman, and everything she'd felt at the time. She'd been angry, of course, angry beyond all reason, but as she considered it, Liaran also recalled the fear she'd had for the others who were held, and the desire, the need to stop the woman from doing to them what had been done to her.Was that what he meant? Liaran had no way of knowing, and didn't expect to make sense of it in an evening, no matter how she tried.

She felt awkward and shy as she finally made herself stop thinking about it and pay attention to the man who had moved to sit beside her. It was hard for her to find the words to answer him. "I.....thank you. For not judging me," she said. The Aes Sedai wondered if she sounded like a small child, because she certainly felt like one. It was an effort for her to keep her head up and not look away from Haeden. Several seconds passed before she felt capable of speaking again. "If you want, you can call me Liaran," she told him. "You're not a servant or a learning rank, you don't need to use my title."