Elia barely registered the flavour of the wine, more curious what Dax's intentions were behind having her drink. She meekly drank the soft, light-bodied red.
Her eyebrows rose when he stated that he knew about her loyalties before asking to be with her. Keeping that secret had been far and away her biggest strength, even amongst members of the Supreme Council. She could literally count on one hand the number of people who knew about that secret. Two had just tried to kill her on the commands of a third, then there was Murdock, and now also Dax. Six now, including Fiona.
She'd ceased questioning the why of Dax's commitment to her on the same day they bonded. The truth of his devotion to her was seated in her head. He never needed to say anything, but he had said and done plenty to confirm that fact beyond any hint of doubt. Seeing Dax playing with their children was far and beyond her happiest moments.
Looking up at Dax from the couch, she knew her answer didn't matter. Regardless of what words passed through her lips, Dax would remain devoted to her. He's mad, a small voice whispered. But love was a madness of sorts. Dax had placed love higher in his list of priorities than his oath to the Grey Tower, or even his allegiance in the eternal war between the Dark One and the Creator. Light or Shadow, he would follow her to the end.
Elia rubbed at her eyes, then scrubbed the back of her hands over her cheeks. She didn't deserve Dax's loyalty or his love. The right thing for any sane person to do was to shield her and lock her up to await a trial. She deserved to be stilled for certain, then put in front of a hundred questioners to squeeze out every scrap of information she had about the Black Ajah. She could see them in her mind's eye. Jaryd with his stupid knife; the fires of fanatical hatred behind Miahala's eyes. Murdock would take a turn, if only to extract some personal glee from her suffering. It was all warranted.
Elia turned from Dax's penetrating gaze. His judgement, above all others, was what mattered. Oh yes, he would love her to the ends of the world and through Tarmon Gai'don and beyond, but his judgement... It would soak through every thought and every action he did. It would be visible in his eyes, in his kisses, even in his shrugs. Everything he did would be tainted by her. The only thing worse than failing her own standards was failing his.
More tears streamed down her cheeks, and she let them fall unblemished. This wasn't a play for sympathy. Dax had accepted her, and she wouldn't hide from him. He was due much more than that, but naked honesty was a beginning.
Her mind turned back to his question. Am I a Friend of the Dark? Her actions said yes. She'd killed fellow Aes Sedai and Asha'man. A memorial stood in the Gardens dedicated to the fifty-one students she had murdered. She had spread misery far and wide, whether through direct action or via the multitude of pawns loyal to her.
She could have done worse. Much worse. She had the Black Ajah at her command. She was a natural at creating ter'angreal. The fifty-one students in the Great Serpent had been killed through ter'angreal she'd discovered, but the knowledge of how to replicate those objects was stored in her brain. If she wanted to, she could have orchestrated another attack. And her gifts with Compulsion weren't anything to sniff at either. There were babbling idiots in all eight corners of the world thanks to her tender administrations. She could have made so many pawns within the Tower itself.
Could have, could have, could have. But she hadn't. She could have done a lot of damage, but her hand held the Black Ajah close, restraining their natural tendencies. There was no benefit in mindless destruction, but even sensible plans had been crushed under heel by her authority.
Finally, she brushed away her tears and looked up towards Dax. His gaze stung, although it was only the third most painful feeling she'd felt today.
"I don't know, but I hope not."
Her eyebrows rose when he stated that he knew about her loyalties before asking to be with her. Keeping that secret had been far and away her biggest strength, even amongst members of the Supreme Council. She could literally count on one hand the number of people who knew about that secret. Two had just tried to kill her on the commands of a third, then there was Murdock, and now also Dax. Six now, including Fiona.
She'd ceased questioning the why of Dax's commitment to her on the same day they bonded. The truth of his devotion to her was seated in her head. He never needed to say anything, but he had said and done plenty to confirm that fact beyond any hint of doubt. Seeing Dax playing with their children was far and beyond her happiest moments.
Looking up at Dax from the couch, she knew her answer didn't matter. Regardless of what words passed through her lips, Dax would remain devoted to her. He's mad, a small voice whispered. But love was a madness of sorts. Dax had placed love higher in his list of priorities than his oath to the Grey Tower, or even his allegiance in the eternal war between the Dark One and the Creator. Light or Shadow, he would follow her to the end.
Elia rubbed at her eyes, then scrubbed the back of her hands over her cheeks. She didn't deserve Dax's loyalty or his love. The right thing for any sane person to do was to shield her and lock her up to await a trial. She deserved to be stilled for certain, then put in front of a hundred questioners to squeeze out every scrap of information she had about the Black Ajah. She could see them in her mind's eye. Jaryd with his stupid knife; the fires of fanatical hatred behind Miahala's eyes. Murdock would take a turn, if only to extract some personal glee from her suffering. It was all warranted.
Elia turned from Dax's penetrating gaze. His judgement, above all others, was what mattered. Oh yes, he would love her to the ends of the world and through Tarmon Gai'don and beyond, but his judgement... It would soak through every thought and every action he did. It would be visible in his eyes, in his kisses, even in his shrugs. Everything he did would be tainted by her. The only thing worse than failing her own standards was failing his.
More tears streamed down her cheeks, and she let them fall unblemished. This wasn't a play for sympathy. Dax had accepted her, and she wouldn't hide from him. He was due much more than that, but naked honesty was a beginning.
Her mind turned back to his question. Am I a Friend of the Dark? Her actions said yes. She'd killed fellow Aes Sedai and Asha'man. A memorial stood in the Gardens dedicated to the fifty-one students she had murdered. She had spread misery far and wide, whether through direct action or via the multitude of pawns loyal to her.
She could have done worse. Much worse. She had the Black Ajah at her command. She was a natural at creating ter'angreal. The fifty-one students in the Great Serpent had been killed through ter'angreal she'd discovered, but the knowledge of how to replicate those objects was stored in her brain. If she wanted to, she could have orchestrated another attack. And her gifts with Compulsion weren't anything to sniff at either. There were babbling idiots in all eight corners of the world thanks to her tender administrations. She could have made so many pawns within the Tower itself.
Could have, could have, could have. But she hadn't. She could have done a lot of damage, but her hand held the Black Ajah close, restraining their natural tendencies. There was no benefit in mindless destruction, but even sensible plans had been crushed under heel by her authority.
Finally, she brushed away her tears and looked up towards Dax. His gaze stung, although it was only the third most painful feeling she'd felt today.
"I don't know, but I hope not."