Why Am I Here? (attn Avyra)
Posted: March 23rd, 2017, 2:20 am
Capell walked pointedly to his destination in the Gardens, a small crook in the bushes in one of the corners. Not only was there a small enclosure where a person could sit, but even the approach to the enclosure was, for the most part, out of sight. He kept his posture straight and also continued to move forward with purpose. If one looked as if they had a reason to go where they needed, then for the most part people wouldn't question you, even if they should. They saw an individual who appeared to have a mission or reason for their presence, and assumed all was according to normal.
As he got closer to his destination, Capell broke his act for a brief moment to glance about and take stock of what was going around him, and no one appeared to be looking in his general direction or paying him heed. Seeing this, Capell slipped into the enclosure and sat down, crossing his legs. As he did, he let out a powerful, but audibly subdued sigh. It felt as if all the stiff posture and rigidity he forced himself into drained out of that breath, leaving him feeling rather vulnerable. He'd been at this Warder training for a couple of days, and it hardly was the worst thing he'd done. Annoying, with less breaks and ability to control them, but labor was labor. It wasn't too different from farming, just that the crop in this instance was himself. Just that, if he didn't till the ground, sow the seed, and harvest the product properly, he'd die on the end of a blade instead of through slow wasting. In one way, it was a more merciful way to go, but the longer the death the more you can do about it.
As is always inevitable lately, thoughts of his previous life brought thoughts of his brother, father, and mother. His mother wasn't a recent addition to his worries, but more...a reintroduction. For the most part, Capell had overcome his mother's death after a couple of years. After all, Capell, his brother Malder, and his father were still there to run her family plot and maintain her legacy. Even after Malder would have left for the military, Capell would be there to maintain the farm. But then...well, life, or death, happened. And here Capell was, having abandoned the legacy of his mother for the legacy of his brother and father. It felt so wrong, but yet, it felt wrong to have not done it. He grabbed his knees with his hands in a vain attempt to ground his emotions, but at least he wasn't shaking. He even left those bandits to rot in the house.
His brother should be here, or somewhere. All Capell was supposed to do was run the farm and somehow convince some girl to marry him in the neighboring town. Not out here, chasing glory, risking his life, confirming that he'll kill again. He had a home to go back to, but what does it matter? He'd never be able to go back in more than passing. Just in coming here, he signed a life sentence. Just in coming here he all but confirmed he'll die in the edge of a sword with no child to carry on his family, leaving everything they did for him, his brother, their parents, their friends, for nothing. That particular thought lanced through his mind like a hot nail, hot enough to make him shudder physically. What was he doing? Why was he here? Why?
As he got closer to his destination, Capell broke his act for a brief moment to glance about and take stock of what was going around him, and no one appeared to be looking in his general direction or paying him heed. Seeing this, Capell slipped into the enclosure and sat down, crossing his legs. As he did, he let out a powerful, but audibly subdued sigh. It felt as if all the stiff posture and rigidity he forced himself into drained out of that breath, leaving him feeling rather vulnerable. He'd been at this Warder training for a couple of days, and it hardly was the worst thing he'd done. Annoying, with less breaks and ability to control them, but labor was labor. It wasn't too different from farming, just that the crop in this instance was himself. Just that, if he didn't till the ground, sow the seed, and harvest the product properly, he'd die on the end of a blade instead of through slow wasting. In one way, it was a more merciful way to go, but the longer the death the more you can do about it.
As is always inevitable lately, thoughts of his previous life brought thoughts of his brother, father, and mother. His mother wasn't a recent addition to his worries, but more...a reintroduction. For the most part, Capell had overcome his mother's death after a couple of years. After all, Capell, his brother Malder, and his father were still there to run her family plot and maintain her legacy. Even after Malder would have left for the military, Capell would be there to maintain the farm. But then...well, life, or death, happened. And here Capell was, having abandoned the legacy of his mother for the legacy of his brother and father. It felt so wrong, but yet, it felt wrong to have not done it. He grabbed his knees with his hands in a vain attempt to ground his emotions, but at least he wasn't shaking. He even left those bandits to rot in the house.
His brother should be here, or somewhere. All Capell was supposed to do was run the farm and somehow convince some girl to marry him in the neighboring town. Not out here, chasing glory, risking his life, confirming that he'll kill again. He had a home to go back to, but what does it matter? He'd never be able to go back in more than passing. Just in coming here, he signed a life sentence. Just in coming here he all but confirmed he'll die in the edge of a sword with no child to carry on his family, leaving everything they did for him, his brother, their parents, their friends, for nothing. That particular thought lanced through his mind like a hot nail, hot enough to make him shudder physically. What was he doing? Why was he here? Why?