Why Am I Here? (attn Avyra)

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nojanath
"New Spring"
Posts: 24
Joined: February 19th, 2017, 5:51 am
PC: Capell Maycura

Why Am I Here? (attn Avyra)

Post by nojanath » March 23rd, 2017, 2:20 am

Capell walked pointedly to his destination in the Gardens, a small crook in the bushes in one of the corners. Not only was there a small enclosure where a person could sit, but even the approach to the enclosure was, for the most part, out of sight. He kept his posture straight and also continued to move forward with purpose. If one looked as if they had a reason to go where they needed, then for the most part people wouldn't question you, even if they should. They saw an individual who appeared to have a mission or reason for their presence, and assumed all was according to normal.

As he got closer to his destination, Capell broke his act for a brief moment to glance about and take stock of what was going around him, and no one appeared to be looking in his general direction or paying him heed. Seeing this, Capell slipped into the enclosure and sat down, crossing his legs. As he did, he let out a powerful, but audibly subdued sigh. It felt as if all the stiff posture and rigidity he forced himself into drained out of that breath, leaving him feeling rather vulnerable. He'd been at this Warder training for a couple of days, and it hardly was the worst thing he'd done. Annoying, with less breaks and ability to control them, but labor was labor. It wasn't too different from farming, just that the crop in this instance was himself. Just that, if he didn't till the ground, sow the seed, and harvest the product properly, he'd die on the end of a blade instead of through slow wasting. In one way, it was a more merciful way to go, but the longer the death the more you can do about it.

As is always inevitable lately, thoughts of his previous life brought thoughts of his brother, father, and mother. His mother wasn't a recent addition to his worries, but more...a reintroduction. For the most part, Capell had overcome his mother's death after a couple of years. After all, Capell, his brother Malder, and his father were still there to run her family plot and maintain her legacy. Even after Malder would have left for the military, Capell would be there to maintain the farm. But then...well, life, or death, happened. And here Capell was, having abandoned the legacy of his mother for the legacy of his brother and father. It felt so wrong, but yet, it felt wrong to have not done it. He grabbed his knees with his hands in a vain attempt to ground his emotions, but at least he wasn't shaking. He even left those bandits to rot in the house.

His brother should be here, or somewhere. All Capell was supposed to do was run the farm and somehow convince some girl to marry him in the neighboring town. Not out here, chasing glory, risking his life, confirming that he'll kill again. He had a home to go back to, but what does it matter? He'd never be able to go back in more than passing. Just in coming here, he signed a life sentence. Just in coming here he all but confirmed he'll die in the edge of a sword with no child to carry on his family, leaving everything they did for him, his brother, their parents, their friends, for nothing. That particular thought lanced through his mind like a hot nail, hot enough to make him shudder physically. What was he doing? Why was he here? Why?
Last edited by nojanath on March 30th, 2017, 2:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

Avyra
"The Path of Daggers"
Posts: 1079
Joined: February 21st, 2016, 10:03 pm
PC: Avyra *bloody* Moeryr - Accepted

Re: Why Am I Here? (attn Avyra)

Post by Avyra » March 30th, 2017, 2:33 am

And why under the light's name was someone using her brooding spot?!

Not that Avyra minded sharing, but it was polite to ask first, and she very much didn't want to share the spot when she needed it.

Her days had not been the best, as usual, but this one had hurt more than it should have. She couldn't place why. Maybe it was because she saw others enjoying it and knew she had to be too, but couldn't. She had no one to enjoy the world with.

It was easier being alone, isolated. No one could hurt you that way. What was even the point of love if it just ended up always hurting? Was there even such thing as true love? Did anyone actually love each other?

And if so how did everyone else seem to have such a thing? How come she was always the odd one out?

Maybe it was because she was too small for it. No one would ever see her as an adult. She'd always be a child. Never seen as something to love. Not. Not like that.

Which was why she needed her spot, but someone else had found it.

She pushed back her own emotions. They didn't matter. She wasn't worth them anyway. "Are you... are you okay?" She asked softly, looking down at the man who occupied the space she wanted to go curl up and disappear forever in.

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nojanath
"New Spring"
Posts: 24
Joined: February 19th, 2017, 5:51 am
PC: Capell Maycura

Re: Why Am I Here? (attn Avyra)

Post by nojanath » March 30th, 2017, 3:11 am

Capell flinched when he heard the voice from behind him. His hand immediately began darting to his waist for a dagger or weapon that wasn't there, but he forced his hand to stop not an inch or two from his knee, where it rested previously. Holding his hand still, watching it shake, he forced himself to relax and put his hand back down on his knee. It had been weeks since the event at his home, but distractors that he didn't notice before they happened still made his vision run a tad red, even if he didn't mean it, or if he knew with only a moment's retrospect that such a reaction had literally no worth or necessity. Maybe that would make him a good Warder? Capell didn't even know anymore. Such thoughts didn't matter anyway.

Putting his hands on the ground, Capell spun himself around to face the origin of the voice, which appeared belong to a Novice? Accepted? Certainly not an Aes Sedai as she wore white, but Capell didn't really know the difference. Did it matter? Probably. Would she care that a Warder trainee was sitting here moping? The...individual, for lack or knowledge of a proper term, did ask if he was alright, which meant that he wasn't in immediate trouble. But that Novice from before got in trouble just from talking to him. But he was in a bush right now? Alone with a female channeling trainee at the Tower. In one sense, it was better because they were out of sight, but in another it was worse, because they were out of sight. Letting out an incredibly slight, yet dejected sigh Capell shook his head. "I'm...surviving." She didn't need to know about his baggage. It was his, nobody else's. "I just..." Should he say Ma'am like before? Blood and Ashes, at this point it didn't matter, "I just need to adjust. I'm not honestly sure why I'm here...physically. The motivation is all there, the reason is all there, but...well...is the purpose? I just don't know."

It was the truth. He probably shouldn't have opened up at all to this random stranger. She did ask after him, but it was probably out of courtesy instead of an actual motivation to know. Would the Gaidin punish him for complaining? He imagined they might, but at the same time it seemed foolish to punish someone who is having doubts. Hatred would only catalyze under hostile or oppressive atmosphere. But that environment was exactly what drove such military minded places. He...just didn't know.

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